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Dealing With Trauma - Coping

4/28/2014

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Due to the length of this post, I am dividing it into two sections for readability. If you have any comments or questions, please feel free to contact me: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com.

During my training, I developed an analogy I'm going to share with you here. Using medication and therapy together is like working to fix a house with a crack in the foundation. The first thing you have to do before you fix the crack is shore up the house, right? Using medication is like shoring up yourself - it takes care of the biological and chemical aspects of what is going on. One thing I want to emphasize - these medications are not addictive! They help stabilize you and bring you up to feeling normal, NOT feeling "high." From there, you work to fix the crack in the house - this is where the therapy piece comes in. If you try to fix the house by shortcutting either one of these steps, guess what? The foundation is going to stay cracked, get worse, or possibly break again. Using both tools (medication and therapy) will help you heal the foundation and make your house - you - stronger by helping you learn to recognize problems and deal with them in a way that keeps you healthy and whole.

With these things in mind, there are things you can do to help yourself as well. Among those things are some of the techniques I mentioned earlier in the "Coping with tough times" posts. The difference here is that there is a slightly different focus. When you are dealing with recovery from trauma and/or PTSD, anxiety and fear are huge issues that don't simply "go away." When you're working with anxiety, self-soothing to reduce the anxiety, worry and fear that you feel is crucial. So, the same things I mentioned before: listening to relaxing music, meditating, journaling - whatever you find soothing and helpful that does NOT become hurtful - will help some.

The cognitive - or "thought" - piece that's different is that you want to recognize and acknowledge the emotion specifically related to the trauma or experience - "Ok, I'm really anxious and feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. What is behind this anxiety? Am I afraid that <insert whatever traumatized you> will happen again?" If that is the case, asking yourself, "how likely is it that it really will happen again?" may help.  In some case, the likelihood might be high - you'll want to work on what you can do to protect and shelter yourself if that's the case, and working with professionals in many fields (police, medical, psychological) may be part of that process. In other cases, the likelihood of the event reoccuring may be low - in that case, reassuring yourself that you're safe, that you're doing everything you can to keep yourself safe may also help. Please - again realize that you don't have to do this alone. The support you'll receive from a good therapist can really help you feel better.

Another area in which you may want to work involves your boundaries. Especially for those of you who were victims of abuse, rape or other traumas where your physical and emotional boundaries were violated, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucially important AND very hard work. For those of you who are in situations where your boundaries are still being violated, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries may threaten the person violating them - for you, I would strongly recommend seeking the support of a professional in working on these issues, creating a safety plan, and having an escape ready if necessary. You will need support and possibly protection, and working with a professional - whether it's a medical doctor, psychologist, therapist, or clergy - will help you get the physical and mental protection and support that you need. Do not hesitate to call 911 if you need help!

Learning to set boundaries takes practice and work. I've done completely separate posts on working on boundary issues, but for now, let's first discuss what boundaries ARE. The basic idea here is that a boundary is something that separates you from everything else. Your skin is a boundary between your insides and the outside world, and protects you from injury. Likewise, psychological boundaries are the ways that you know you are separate from everyone else around you. To quote the title of a popular book on boundaries, they are "where you end, and I begin." ("Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin" Anne Katherine). Another book described boundaries this way: "They define what is me, and what is not me" ("Boundaries" Henry Cloud & John Townsend). When your boundaries are violated, you are being told "it doesn't matter who you are, what you want, or what you need. What I need or want is what counts, and I'm going to take it whether you agree or not or whether you say no or not." For many of us who have experienced trauma, our boundaries have been severely violated and compromised; this leads to a sense of helplessness, fear, anxiety and/or depression. The best thing you can do at this point is first realize that your boundaries have been violated (and that you have a right to even HAVE boundaries), and from there, work on realizing what they are and how to set and maintain them. This, as I know from experience, is hard work.

Working on boundaries though, also helps you work on and deal with trauma. By building boundaries, you are saying that you have the right to be whole, the right to control who and what has access to your body, your thoughts, and your feelings. Dealing with trauma also involves understanding and working with your feelings. Emotions can be very frightening and very threatening sometimes, especially if they are powerful or intense, like anger/rage, depression, or anxiety. It may feel like they are going to engulf you, drown you, and/or never end. This is where envisioning the emotion as a wave can be helpful (see the previous post for more information.) If you feel you can't stand it, that you are going to do something harmful like cut yourself, hurt yourself or someone else - get help - call 911. If you're not to that point - do something that will help yourself - call a friend (or sponsor if you're in a 12-step program), distract yourself if it helps, write it out, something that will help you. The thing is, the emotion WILL pass, and you WILL survive it.

In "dialectical behavior therapy" - one of my areas of expertise - we teach people some skills for "emotional regulation" and "distress tolerance." These skills help people deal with the overwhelming sensations that their emotions are going to engulf them. What I've described for you in the coping skills post are some of those skills. I will write more about DBT in coming posts, as it is a very helpful system for dealing with trauma, emotional storms, and coping in general.

Trauma is also isolating - we may feel that we're all alone in this, or that we'll be punished or embarrassed if we talk - a common phrase I've heard is "we don't air our dirty laundry to others." The thing is, the "dirty laundry" that is being aired is often the very stuff that is traumatizing. Opening up - say, in the context of a trusted relationship or a support group, can be the most healthy thing you can do - you'll find out you're not alone, and that other people have experienced similar things. You may feel like you don't belong, or that you're alone, or that you're somehow "damaged" - being with other people who have experienced similar things or with someone you trust can help you see that you're not damaged and not alone.

The final thing I want to say at this point, is have a safe space. Someplace where you CAN relax - at least a little - and feel safe just being and healing. This might be your bedroom, a special spot in nature, going to your place of worship, or even just creating a safe spot in your mind, wherever you happen to be. While you're in this safe space, breathe slowly and deeply. This is part of learning to soothe yourself, and is part of healing. If you experience triggers related to your trauma, get help if you need it - take care of yourself! If you don't need immediate help, do what it takes to get through it.

Please Note: The content on  this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don't have to be alone in facing these things - there are people who care and who will help.

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Dealing With Trauma - What is PTSD? 

4/28/2014

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Due to the length of this post, I am dividing it into two sections for readability. If you have any comments or questions, please feel free to contact me: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com.

I've had several people over the past few days contact me and tell me about trauma-related incidents. First of all, for those of you who did contact me, thank you for trusting me. I respect you for your strength, and want you to know that your trust in me and your confidentiality is and will be honored.

That said, it seems that the posts around coping may have opened a door for talking about how to deal with trauma and PTSD. For those of you who don't know much about PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) beyond what you've heard about veterans, let me fill you in. PTSD is a reaction to dealing with extreme or long-standing traumatic stress. The classic example we most hear about is that of soldiers experiencing PTSD as a reaction to the horrific things they witness in combat and/or military activities. I'm NOT going to minimize those experiences at all - from what we've heard in the news, PTSD is - if anything - on the rise especially in current military personnel and veterans of the recent actions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

However, PTSD is also found in many people who experience other traumatic injuries and insults - both physical and psychological. Rape victims and victims of physical abuse may experience PTSD, people who are victims of emotional and psychological abuse also experience PTSD. The abuse or insult does not have to be an ongoing issue, either - people who have experienced a single episode of a traumatic event can also experience PTSD. Those involved in car or other vehicle accidents, victims of crimes, those who have had a family member hurt, those who have been victims of robberies or break-ins..the list of possibilities for who can experience this is nearly endless. Another thing to keep in mind is that what is traumatic and triggers PTSD in one person may or may not trigger it in someone else - we are all unique people with our own strengths and weaknesses and areas of resilience and vulnerability.

So, what is PTSD? Generally speaking, to receive a diagnosis of PTSD, one must have "experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with" something that risked death or severe injury, or a threat to the someone's  physical or psychological wholeness. The other major piece of this is that the person's response involved "intense fear, helplessness, or horror" (I'm quoting from our clinician's book of diagnosis information, the DSM-IV-TR). These are the two most basic things that have to be met. Beyond that, the trauma is re-experienced in a multitude of ways such as flashbacks, nightmares, not being able to get it out of your mind, or reacting disproportionately to things that remind the person of the trauma. In PTSD, the victim will also go out of her/his way to avoid things that remind them of the trauma, or may seem numbed or non-responsive to things that would normally cause a reaction. Finally, the person will experience other emotional and/or physical difficulties such as depression, difficulty concentrating or controlling their emotions, not being able to fall asleep, or startling at even little things. For true PTSD, these symptoms last longer than a month (in the cases of symptoms being less than a month, we call it "Acute Stress Disorder," but except for the duration of symptoms, they are generally the same thing.)

So, if you've been dealing with something in your life that has triggered these symptoms, what do you do? The first thing I would recommend, honestly, is working with a good psychologist or therapist. As I've mentioned before (and firmly believe from experience as well as training), seeing a therapist and/or getting help really IS a sign of strength and of hope, NOT a sign of weakness. We have such an unfortunate stigma in our society - you are NOT "crazy" if you seek out help. If anything, you're showing how sane you are.  These traumatic things that happen sap our strength, and test our abilities to function and live life - we have a right to be free of and heal from the traumatic things that happened, and a right to recover and live fully.

Seeing your doctor about medications might help as well - I and many other people view using medication for anxiety, depression and other disorders as being the same as using medication to treat diabetes or heart disease. The main difference is that you're working with brain chemicals that you can't see. Otherwise, there is a medical aspect to these conditions and working on that as well as the psychological is important. 

Please Note: The content on  this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don't have to be alone in facing these things - there are people who care and who will help.

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Coping With Tough Times, Part 2: Coping Skills

4/28/2014

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Ok, so what do you DO if things are still tough? "Tough Times" can be found in relationships, financial troubles, work situations, family issues - a whole range of things. What's "tough" for you, may not be tough for someone else, and what's tough for them might not be for you. So, given that these things are different for different people, what are some things that pretty much everyone can use? First of all:

If you have been feeling down for two weeks pretty much every day and for most of the day, if you have thoughts of hurting yourself and/or others, or if you're having trouble functioning, please see your doctor right away -  you may be dealing with clinical depression. If you are feeling that you might hurt yourself or someone else, please call 911.  Please also realize that seeking help really is a sign of strength and belief in yourself and not a sign of weakness.

As part of my training and my work with people in various situations in their lives, I learned a lot about coping skills - the fancy name for "learning to deal with it" - whatever "it" is. As you might imagine, this is a pretty important topic for therapists and their clients. And to be honest - I practice what I preach, and use these myself. There are a LOT of good self-help workbooks out there - I'll give a list at the end of this post - and these may help you structure your coping, if that's what you need. So - on to the meat of the post:

Let's start with things that end up being harmful.  Basically it boils down to two things: Stuff that gets you in trouble, and stuff that ends up hurting you and/or someone else. Stuff that gets you in trouble includes excessive drinking, using mind-altering substances, excessive spending, sex, gambling, not fulfilling responsibilities like going to work, etc. Stuff that hurts you and/or someone else includes: excessive eating or undereating, exercising too much or not enough, losing your temper and abusing yourself or someone else, physically hurting yourself or someone else, beating yourself or someone else up emotionally, getting caught up in or laying on guilt trips, calling names, insulting yourself or others, and talking or thinking in absolutes (like, "I'll never be able to get out of this hole" or "You always ruin my day"). If you're feeling out of control with these things, please find help for them, if for no other reason than it helps yourself and your loved ones.

So what are the things that may help?

First of all - when you're feeling down or really anxious, realize that emotions are like waves - they build up, peak, and then pass. This idea is not new; Marsha Linehan's "dialectical behavior therapy" uses this concept. To cope with strong emotions that really feel like they're going to knock you down, it can sometimes help to remind yourself that the emotion will not last forever, and that it WILL pass. You are not your emotions - your feelings are reactions to things in your environment. Just as your situations change, so will your feelings. For me, I visualize an ocean wave as it builds, swells, and washes over me. You might like this, or maybe a gust of wind - whatever works. The point is, the feelings WILL pass.

Second, you can help the wave pass by distracting yourself. There are many things you can do - I work in my journal, create art, go for a walk, listen to calming music, surf the internet, etc. What you want to do is find something that will take your mind off the "down" feelings - it doesn't have to last forever, but distracting yourself will pay off, even if you only are able to distract for a few minutes. It's at least a few minutes that you weren't focusing on feeling "down" or anxious, right?  There are an infinite number of ways to distract yourself - just use your imagination and see what you can come up with (and yes, this in itself is a distraction!) However, be careful with distractions - don't let them turn into "target behaviors" (the things that get you in trouble or harm you or someone else.)

One thing is important if you're feeling "down"  or super-anxious - do something positive for yourself every day, such as exercise, get involved in doing something you enjoy - a hobby or pastime - , enjoy some quiet time to yourself, etc. Treating yourself as you want other people to treat you (a twist on the golden rule) or as you would treat other people  is very important - you really are worth the effort and deserve to be treated well.

Third, try reframing your thoughts. This is admittedly sometimes a tough thing to do, especially when things feel hopeless or that a situation will never change or end. Sometimes working on changing your thoughts is a conscious effort; if you keep at it, hopefully the positive thinking will feel more natural. If you're having a tough time doing this, try writing down all the negative things you tell yourself and then contradicting them. Here's an example: With my work life, I admit to feeling like sometimes I'm spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere. I remind myself of what I've done (developed a private practice and found work with an amazing group of women at Beyond the Mirror), what I've achieved (my Ph.D., passed my licensing exam), and where I realistically am at (working on new content, expanding into new areas like life coaching, and applying my passions to my work) Reminding myself of the postives can help contradict the negative feelings.

Many therapists recommend keeping a "mood diary" or "thought record" where you can keep track of the thoughts you have, the feelings associated with them, how you changed your thinking, and what the result of the change was. Again, if this works for you - if you need and/or want to see your progress - by all means do it. It can be very simple - a piece of notebook paper divided into four or five columns (if you want to include the dates), and simply keeping track. It can be more complex, for example setting up an Excel spreadsheet. Keep in mind that first, the very act of doing this at all is a distraction (being busy tends to distract us from our feelings) and second of all, productive because you're working on helping yourself. 

Mary Ellen Copeland, a therapist who deals with bipolar disorder, has developed some excellent tools for dealing with stress. She recommends creating a "wellness action plan" that includes 5 distinct parts:

1) Developing a wellness toolbox (similar to the coping skills described above) and keeping track of your moods and activities on a daily basis (the "Daily Maintenance List")

2) Listing the things that trigger feeling rotten and planning on ways to deal with those

3) Listing the "Early Warning Signs" of impending mood changes, and planning on ways to cut off mood changes BEFORE they get too bad

4) What to do when things are breaking down - how to deal with crisis situations: what the signs of this are, who to call/contact in case of an emergency, and how to deal with this when/if it happens

5) Developing a Crisis Plan: How to help other people know when you're in crisis, how other people can help you, and again who to contact

Copeland's web site: http://www.copelandcenter.com has some excellent information and resources related to this program. She also has several workbooks in publication and again, I'll list those here at the end.

There are also the things that we hear everyday from all kinds of experts: eat well and moderately, exercise regularly (this really DOES work to help moods, by the way), limit how much alcohol and other substances you put in your body, get enough rest and/or sleep, and see your physician if you're having problems in any of these areas to rule out physical/medical causes.

Specifically getting involved things that are designed to be relaxing may also help. Again, listening to calming or relaxation music may help. Other tools include meditation, relaxing tense muscles/progressive relaxation (for example, tense and then relax each muscle group in turn, starting at head and working down), using deep breathing from your tummy (diaphramatic breathing) - all of these things (and more) help ease stress and help you cope with feeling in the dumps.

The bottom line is that working to change your thoughts, helping yourself relax, and soothing yourself by doing things that make you feel better help you deal with feeling down. These aren't a be-all and end-all to always feeling down, or a sure-fire "cure" for the blues. They ARE things that may help, though, and are time-tested tools that have been shown to help.

If you have any questions or comments, please contact me here or via email: theothersideofthecouch@live.com . I'll be happy to talk to you and listen to your input. 

Please Note: The information on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. If you wish to contact me, you can call (970) 776-6043 or send email to: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

Resources:

The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook, 5th ed. - Martha Davis, Elizabeth Robbins Eshelman, & Matthew McKay

The Depression Workbook, 2nd ed. - Mary Ellen Copeland

Mind Over Mood - Dennis Greenberger & Christine A. Padewsky

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Coping With Tough Times, Part 1: Move

4/28/2014

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Today, I went for a walk. That might not seem like a big deal, but for me it was a change, and I’d like to share its importance with you. I moved, and that IS a big deal. I’ll explain why it’s a big deal in just a bit, so bear with me while I give you some background first.

Like many of you, I struggle in this economy. I try to be financially fair to the people I work with, because I realize that services like mine are expensive, and I want people to be able to get the help and support they need. This has been hard for me, though, because I struggle financially as well. I have been waiting for things to change, which brings me to the purpose of this post and the next few to follow. I’m finding that if I simply sit and wait for things to happen, I feel depressed, anxious and frustrated – and I’m generally not a pleasant person to be around when I’m feeling this way. A lot of us are like this - I know I'm not alone. 

So, I decided to change the way I’m looking at my situation and living my life. Here’s where coping with tough times and moving comes in. There are things I can’t control, like the economy, and the fact that many of the things I'd like to do in my business rely on people wanting what I have to offer. There are a multitude of things I can’t control, and if I focus on them, then it’s an easy slide down to feeling lousy.

However, I CAN control myself and how I choose to react to this situation. After talking to people and experiencing unemployment myself, I know that it’s very easy to slip into feeling helpless, hopeless, and paralyzed about the future. There IS something I can do though. I can move. I can move my body, my mind, my feelings and my thoughts.

Ok, I can hear some people groaning, “Oh no…another Little Miss Sunshine who thinks that if I think good thoughts, everything good will happen to me.” So… hang in here with me. I’m NOT going to promise that if you change your thoughts you will automatically attract good things. What I AM telling you is that if you work to change the way you’re thinking, feeling and being now, you may start to feel better. How do I know this? I do it. It's the simple - I practice what I preach.

What I’m suggesting is that you move, somehow – even if it’s just getting out bed to face the day. Moving can be as simple as reframing your thoughts from “I’m never going to get a job” to “Things are tough right now. I’m doing the best I can.” Moving can be, “OK…I’m feeling pretty crummy right now and I have no money. What CAN I do to help myself feel better?” and coming up with ideas. Moving can be noticing the very little, simple things that make life worth living. For me, this is the smiles on my children’s faces and hearing their laughter. It’s feeling the sunshine on my face and noticing the colors and fragrances of the spring flowers. It's enjoying the feel of the wind on my face. For others, it might be the smell of a freshly-brewed cup of coffee, or the feel of your favorite blanket wrapped around you. The point is, moving – no matter how or how much – is a change that may help you start to feel better. And that’s why my walk today was so important – I moved.

I moved my body, and while moving my body, I moved my mind. Moving my mind (thinking) helped me move my feelings. During my walk, I thought about what I have to offer – what are my skills and talents? What am I passionate about? I thought about how to share what I know with others who might be feeling the same thing. And I felt better about myself, in spite of my job situation. I thought about how to market myself, and what I can do to promote my business. In short, moving helped.

SARK has made some worksheets that come from her book “Make Your Creative Dreams Real” involving what she calls “microMOVEments.” These involve taking baby steps toward creating and realizing a dream that you have. Whether you call them baby steps, micromovements, tiny leaps of faith – it’s still movement.

The world isn’t necessarily going to change because you move (but who knows - maybe it will!).   However, YOU may start to  change because you move. Honestly, this post – and the idea of coping with tough times - came out of my desire to feel better. I am “moving” by writing and sharing my knowledge with you. I can’t change the world, but I can offer my skills and gifts as a way to help me feel better and to hopefully make a difference for others who feel like I’ve been feeling.

I’m going to continue to write on ways to cope in tough times. If you have suggestions on topics you’d like to see, please get in touch with me: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com. I’m always interested in feedback and ideas. For you? Move with hope in your heart and life in your soul!

Please Note: The information on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help.

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I Wish There Was a Magic Wand...

4/28/2014

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I wish there was a magic want. I really do. But...There really is no magic wand.

There. I've said it. It stinks, it hurts sometimes, it's depressing. And it's true: there is no magic wand to wave and make our troubles just disappear.

I always wanted to be Samantha on "Bewitched" - even if she got into messes, she could twitch her nose and all would be well. (Of course, she did have to put up with that dork of a husband Darrin...anyway...) Wouldn't it be nice if we could make ourselves look the way we want, make other people behave the way we want and do the things we want? If we could control everything and have it our way? (OK, there's an Endora streak in me too - I admit it.)

Well, believe it or not...no. As hard as it is sometimes, we learn from our struggles. We don't choose or deserve many of the things that happen to us or are done to us - but we have a choice in terms of learning to how deal with it without letting it control us. I know that sounds harsh, and I apologize - I never, ever want to minimize someone's pain by being flip. Here, though - this really is our choice. Recovery, healing, and moving forward are all "dealing with it." No matter what happens - we always have a choice: We can choose how we react and what we do with it,

The thing is, it's awfully easy to let whatever happened or whoever hurt us control us and I know that from experience. Emotions and mood states are POWERFUL, and can distort how we perceive reality. These things are also REAL - depression, anxiety, PTSD, anger, fear - they all are very real and affect us deeply. As tough as it is, our task is to try to see ourselves objectively and to try to do the best we can without further hurting ourselves or hurting other people. And doing so is not easy at all. It's a growth process, and a rebirth in many ways. It IS a process.

This process is not an easy thing to learn either. When I was doing my training, I used to keep a kid's magic wand in the little office where I did my counseling. Sometimes people would come in and would want to change someone else - like their children or spouse, their boss or coworkers, or extended family members. Other times, I'd hear people talk about how unfair things were and how others should do things/see things their way, or how life should be different. At this point, IF I'd established good rapport with my client, I'd take the magic wand and bang it on the end table or chair and say, "Look...it doesn't work. NOW what are we going to do? We've got to figure how to handle this, because the magic wand doesn't work!"

This almost always got a laugh - and made an important point. There is no easy fix for a lot of these issues. In fact, many of the issues that people talked about WERE unjust. However, we can't change other people, and sometimes we can't change what happens to us.

What we can do, however, is change ourselves. Again, it's not easy - this really is hard work. It involves letting go of our "shoulds" for others, our attempts to make them do what we want them to do or treat us the way we want them to treat us. Our challenge is to accept them as they are, and deal constructively and effectively with the things that happen to us. (For the record: Accepting other people as they are does NOT mean approving of, liking, or agreeing with their behaviors, the harm they do, or the hurt they cause. We're not condoning or accepting in any way, shape, or form abuse or other harmful/hurtful behaviors. What we're doing is letting go of trying to change them, and instead focus on what we can do to help ourselves.)

This is the essence of psychological healing, in my opinion. Therapy ideally gives someone a safe place to learn about and practice letting go, acceptance, and self-change. It's not a magic wand, but it can be a magic place because the work that's done in the therapy room, when successful, is transformational.

The old analogy of the caterpillar going into the cocoon and emerging a butterfly really is apt. It's a cliche, but it's one that fits. The struggle to emerge from the cocoon is not only difficult, it's necessary for the butterfly to survive. Helping the butterfly emerge - even when well-intentioned - kills the butterfly. Human birth is similar - the process of being born and being pushed/squeezed out the birth control compresses the newborn's lungs, so that when s/he emerges, they expand to bring the infant the breath of life. (With humans, we've learned to compensate - the "magic wand" of medical science helps here.)

The point with these analogies is that the "magic wand" - the quick fix, easy way out, getting someone else to do it for us, etc. - robs us of our ability to grow into the person we're meant to be. Without that struggle, we don't get to learn and grow in quite the same way. In my field, we call this ability to "bounce back" and heal resiliency - and resilience can be developed and strengthened over time. We learn to develop healthy boundaries, we learn to cope with strong emotions and tolerate distress, we learn to think in a healther and more effective way, we learn to be mindful of ourselves and all of these things as we grow and heal. We learn - or relearn - how to interact with other people and grow relationships.

These things said, would I wish abusive, harmful, traumatic, or painful experiences on anyone in the sake of growth? NO. I can't say that emphatically enough - NO. We can't control what other people do or many times We CAN work to heal ourselves and grow, though. We can die in our cocoons, or we can struggle and emerge reborn to face the world. It's up to us. It's not easy. It's not pretty - and there really is no magic wand.

The magic is instead in us, in our ability to overcome.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com


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Trust the Process

4/14/2014

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In my work as a therapist, I practice a form of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT. I like it because it brings in awareness and mindfulness of the present as well as working on behavioral options. I find that there are generally two ways we can work with people.  One is to be results-oriented -  and in a therapy environment, this is not necessarily a bad thing. We  - my clients and myself - want to see that the therapy we're doing is working, right? Makes sense.

The other way we work is being process-oriented. A process orientation involves more than looking for results - it's looking at what's going on between the two people in the room, in terms of how they're relating to each other, and how this relating reflects what's going on outside the therapy room for the client. It also means paying more attention to the deeper meaning of what clients say, and how their words reflect their emotions and experiences, as well as their growth. 


Process is even more than that, though. Process is the flow of life that runs through us and with us and by us. How we react to life often reflects the process we're experiencing. Trusting the process means letting go of the illusion of control that's keeping us from growing and trusting that our process - our lives - will eventually be ok.

Letting go in this way is a scary thing to do. It's something I learn and re-learn every day, and have to consciously practice - trusting the process is an active trust kind of thing for me.

I have several "mantras" I use to remind me to trust the process. One of my favorites is, "It is what it is." I usually follow that up with a question that gets at the heart of the issue: "Now, how do you want to deal with it?" or "What are my options?"

There are several situations where I'm currently using this process...and none of them are easy. I'm finding for me, though, that letting go and trusting the process at the very least brings me some peace of mind. I take care of what I need to take care of, and the rest will be what it will be.

To me, one key to being able to trust the process is using one of my DBT skills: Radical Acceptance. The basic idea is that you realize that you first have to see what reality IS rather than what you want it to be, and then next, work on accepting that this reality exists. It's a tough process - but once you're there, you're better able to deal with what is, and won't get caught up on what should be, or what's not fair. Radical acceptance is key to learning to trust the process, because you can't begin to see the process until you accept the reality you're facing. It's that simple.

Another key piece is letting go. For me, this also takes conscious thought and action - I ask myself, "Ok, how important is this really? Am I going to be worrying about this, or be angry at this 10 years from now?" If the answer is no, it's probably a good thing for me to let go of. And I again struggle with this a lot - and am learning that the process is again, worth it.

So, trusting the process means first accepting reality for what it is, and then letting go of our expectations of what's fair or what "should be." What next?

Here's where it gets a little less behavioral...one of the things that DBT emphasizes is mindfulness, and I believe that mindfulness is another important key to trusting the process. Once we've accepted and have started letting go, mindfulness (being aware with compassionate nonjudgment) will allow us to be open to the possibilities and opportunities that DO exist. Mindfulness also allows us to be aware of what's going on around us, what triggers us, and what our choices are - it's an incredible tool for increasing awareness and connection, if we choose to use it that way - it's how we see the process part that's going on here.

The final key in trusting the process is simply, trust. Many have us have learned, and learned well that we can't trust anyone. Life has let us be hurt or injured maybe even by people who were supposed to love and protect us. Other people take advantage of us, or make fun of us, or generally make the world an unpleasant place in which to live. And here I'm telling you to trust. Yeah, right....

Here's where you use active trust (see earlier post). If you've learned to trust no one or anything, it may be time to try and see if the time is right to experiment a little with trust. To trust the process though, at some point, you have to take that leap and just let go and trust. Something, someone, sometime...Use your active trust if it helps, and realize that it's likely going to be worth the effort.

Trust the process - and see where life takes you. Even if you trust no other process than the fact that the sun will rise the next day, it's a start - and a good one. You may find yourself going in a direction you'd never considered, or meeting people you'd never have known otherwise. Let go, let yourself have an adventure...and trust the process.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com. 

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Learning to let go

4/14/2014

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A few years ago, I was in the process of mucking out our basement - and it was a HUGE process. We had only been in our house 6 years, but the basement was stuffed to the gills with empty boxes, stored "stuff," hundreds of pounds of research articles and paperwork...cleaning it out was a JOB. During this process, I had to look at what I'd saved, and what I wanedt to keep.

This sorting process is a metaphor for what we do in our lives - how many times do we "save" relationships that don't work/are dysfunctional/we've outgrown? Or "store" our resentments, anger and/or crappy life experiences? All of us do, to some extent, and some people find it easier to let go of these things than others. Some of us are more like me and my "stuff" - it feels hard or maybe even impossible to let go. We may not want to, we may not know we've accumulated this much "stuff," or we may simply not even know HOW to let go. We may feel paralyzed by fear and anxiety - "Where do I even start? This is overwhelming and I'm not sure I can do it!"

In my basement, the first step was to start sorting - and I started with one corner of the room. "Stuff" went into three piles: Throw away/recycle, Give away, and Keep. Here's one thing that applies when we're doing our mental sorting - pay attention to where your emotions are during the process. Strong emotions usually indicate something going on; in my basement they indicated some kind of attachment to the object. In some cases, I couldn't bear to throw something away, but couldn't keep it, either (infants' playyard, anyone? Little Tikes Castle?) - those all went to Goodwill. *I* didn't have them anymore, but someone else could enjoy them and use them.

In our lives we have this kind of stuff too...relationships we don't want to give up, but that aren't really helping us or other person anymore, or activities we hang on to "because I've always done it this way," but that don't work for us anymore. So what do you do with these? You can't exactly give them away. For me...I work on releasing them. I don't necessarily take direct action, but I "give it away to the universe" and let it go emotionally. I figure that the old saying of, "if you love something, set it free and if it was meant to be it will come back to you," applies here. Some kind of releasing ceremony or ritual may help you here...writing a good-bye in your journal, blowing dandelion seeds or bubbles into the wind and watching the breeze catch and carry them away - something that will help you emotionally release the situation. When it crops up again, think of what you did to help release and revisualize letting go again. Or, if you need to, do it again. It may help.

The stuff that you "throw away/recycle" may be tougher in a lot of ways. Much of this stuff is composed of dead relationships that you still hang on to, situations or memories that you dredge up and use to nurture old resentments and/or anger, anger at the past that you can't change - there are so many things that fit here, it's impossible to list them all. What do you do with these? There isn't exactly a cosmic stretchy-trash bag you can throw them in, right? These take longer to heal, and acceptance and forgiveness is a part.

Now, before you jump all over me with, "How can I forgive what s/he did to me? It's unforgivable!" or "S/he doesn't deserve my forgiveness," etc. I want to tell you that I'm talking about acceptance and forgiveness in a different light than any religious  or "approval" context.  


Acceptance and forgiveness are processes where you realize you can't change what happened or change the person who did it and you begin moving on - for your sake. In the work I do, we call it "radical acceptance." Acceptance here is "radical" because it's total - there is no room for fantasy, for imagining "what you'd do if..." or "if only I'd..." - this is dealing with what actually IS, rather than what we want it to be or what it could have been. And it's hard. We don't always like what we see - and it's also necessary to clear out the clutter of these resentments. It also doesn't happen overnight - it's a process and takes time, and you'll likely be doing it over and over for a while before it starts to feel right.

One thing to realize with "acceptance" is that it's NOT approving or agreeing with the situation. It's not resigning yourself either - it's simply acknowledging that the situation is what it is. There is a certain peace that comes when you accept, but you may also find yourself needing to move to acceptance over and over - that's part of the process. You also get to look at the real options you have - when you accept what is, then you can see what you can do with it. One option is forgiveness. 

The other piece of this equation, forgiveness, is also not quite what it might seem on the surface. We've all heard the maxims, "forgive your enemies," "forgive and forget," and "turn the other cheek," etc. This is not the kind of forgiveness I'm talking about. Our process may end up leading us there, but that's not the important part at this moment. The important parts are that a) forgiveness is for US, for OUR peace of mind and that b) we try. Like acceptance, this is a process and doesn't come overnight. Forgiveness here tends to take the form of coming to terms with our past or with the relationships that are not right for us in a way that we feel healthy about. It's NOT a blanket, "I forgive you and let's forget and move on." First of all, there is no way that many of us COULD forget what was done to us and second, moving on is for US.

When we're stuck in these relationships, in our pasts, or in our hurt and resentments, we're not moving on, and we're hurting ourselves. I'm not going to minimize the pain of what others do or have done to us, but we don't have to continue their process of hurting us by not letting go. Acceptance and forgiveness here is oriented toward ourselves - and letting go is the process by which it happens. Note the word "process" - this isn't something you decide to do in the morning and be all done with by lunchtime. Like the other processes I've mentioned, you'll have to come back to it over and over again, and do it over and over again.

I've also noticed that in a lot of these situations, there is so much self-blame and hurt - forgiveness here means forgiving yourself. (Some of you may be saying, "What? I have nothing to forgive myself for! I wasn't the one who hurt me!" You're right - and you're in a different place from the people I'm addressing here. And honestly? Good for you if you don't have it! :) ) A lot of us carry guilt, or harbor feelings of "If only I'd..." or "I should have..." Forgiveness here means again, first accepting the reality of what you did do and realistically could control, and then also accepting the reality that you did what you could do. Forgiveness here means letting go of the punitive "shoulds" and being gentle with yourself so healing can happen. And as always in this post, it's a process, and learning to trust the process is an important part of letting go.

Some of the ideas I gave you earlier in "giving away" things also work here - creating a "farewell" ceremony, writing a eulogy in your journal, or releasing the pain and hurt to the universe (burying it or a symbol of it, maybe) sometimes help. The key work is done inside you, though.

Some of the things in my basement were hard to throw away - my dissertation articles ("What if I need them again?"), boxes of things I"d kept from my first marriage (they reminded me of a very unhappy time in my life) and letters from old loves ("what if I'd..." "I wonder what could have been..."). And as hard as it was, it was a necessary process. When I began thinking about this, the clutter was about half clear, and I was still excavating. Occasionally, I came across things I still needed: teaching materials, art supplies, old photographs...these are like the things we keep in our lives. These are the things that lift us up, remind us of who we are, and of what's important to us. And once the clutter is cleared, it's easier to remember and easier to appreciate these things.



And now? It's time to re-evaluate and clear the clutter again. Like life, it's an ongoing process.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help.

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Boundaries and You, Part 3: Working on developing and maintaining healthy boundaries

4/6/2014

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“Heads up” Note: This post may bring up painful and/or overwhelming issues. If you feel that you are being overwhelmed by reading this, please stop, contact a therapist and/or call 911 if you feel you need/want immediate help. As always, this post is NOT meant as therapy and I give it you for informational purposes only. That said, I realize how sensitive a topic this can be, and want you to take care of yourself and do what it takes to be safe and whole. My email is: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com,  if you wish to email me, or you may leave comments on the blog. I do respond to each and every comment, so if you wish to leave a comment, I will get back to you. You may also call me at (970) 776-6043 and leave me a message.

Also: This discussion may seem to move “backward” as I’m describing boundary violations before I talk about healthy boundaries. The reason for this setup is that I want us all to have a common understanding of what a violation is – and many of us may not even recognize that our boundaries were violated. So we start with a common awareness, and will move to a discussion of healthy boundaries from there.


Working on Your Boundaries

(Caveat for children or minors: Setting boundaries when someone hurts you may be difficult to impossible. This is where telling a trusted adult and gaining help to stop abuse - whether it's one time or ongoing - is necessary. NO ONE has the right to abuse you and telling someone may be hard, but it will help you in the end. Find someone you trust and think will help you - and ask them to help you.) 



So, where do we go from here? Well, knowing where you are – and where you end – is the first step in becoming aware of what a healthy boundary is. The most obvious boundary to become aware of, set, and maintain is physical. You – and we all – have a right to keep our bodies safe and separate from anyone else’s. This means that you do have the right to say no to “Uncle Al who hugs too tight and maybe gropes a little” no matter what your family (or other people say). You have the right to be a child in your own bed and to be safe from your stepfather coming in and molesting you. You have a right to go on a date and not be forced to kiss your date at the end, or be raped. You have a right to go in and have a drink if you’re comfortable with that, and NOT be forced to have sex. Lines such as “You asked for it, “ “You’re a tease,” “You know you wanted it, I knew you wanted it,” or “You’ll like it – just wait and see” ARE boundary violations – they are overruling your right to say “NO” and be respected for that. Your body is your own. With the exception of normal, non-sexualized, physical care when needed, you have the absolute right to control your body and who has access to it. And even then - unless your ability to make decisions is severely compromised, you STILL have the right to say 'no.'

One of the first steps in this process is realizing that you have choices. You can keep going on the way you have, or you can work toward change. That is a choice that is in your hands. You also have choices in how you react to other people. You can’t change what they say or do, but you CAN control how you react. Another choice we have is whether or not we are going to take responsibility for ourselves. As adults, that is far easier to do than when you are a child. It’s a lot easier to slip into blame and being the victim – taking responsibility for ourselves is hard work. It also requires that we set and maintain boundaries with ourselves (such as, “If Rick hits me again, I will contact the police and press charges. I am going to take care of myself and respect myself enough to do that. I will set up a plan for how to deal with this now, so that when/if it happens, I’ll have a place to go and a plan in place.”)  And, as you might imagine, follow-through is crucial, whether it’s a boundary you’ve set with someone else (“Uncle Al, if you touch me again, I’m going to tell Aunt Beru and my parents”) or with yourself (“I will press charges if he does this again”). The thing about choices is that we *always* have them – we just may not like the options we have. Robert Burma described it this way: "And we always have a choice. If someone sticks a gun in my face and says, "Your money or your life!" I have a choice. I may not like my choice but I have one. In life we often don't like our choices because we don't know what the outcome is going to be and we are terrified of doing it 'wrong.' "  (Burman, http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm). Another of my favorite authors, Susan Jeffers, puts it this way – “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” Setting boundaries, making choices and taking responsibility is hard work and can be scary. Feel the fear, and do it anyway.

Robert Burman describes three parts of a boundary: “If you,” “I will,” and “If you continue this behavior…” This is a formalized way of putting together a boundary statement – if you’ve never done this, or have had your boundaries destroyed and/or ignored over time, setting up your boundaries and thinking of them in these terms may be helpful. The idea is that you state the behavior you don’t like:

“Uncle Al, if you keep touching me or pushing me for a hug after I tell you I’m uncomfortable…” Then you state what you will do: “…I will tell Aunt Beru and my parents.”  Then you continue with, “If you continue to do this, I’ll contact the police and let them know that you have continued to touch me after I’ve said don’t.” (and then follow through – threats mean nothing if consequences don’t follow.)

Here’s the thing with consequences – they have to be realistic, and you have to be willing to follow through on them. If you tell Uncle Al that you’ll deck him the next time he touches you, and you’re 11 and he’s a 350-lb linebacker, that’s not a realistic consequence and could lead to putting yourself in more danger. The other problem I see a lot is that it really is hard to follow through on the consequences. Often the people abusing us or breaking our boundaries are people we love, value, or need in our lives. Following through may feel dangerous – this is WHY having the support of a good group or professional is important to us.

The other difficult thing is realizing that the other person’s reaction is out of our control. We can set the boundary, we can follow through, and they may react by trying to hurt us more, getting us to stop setting the boundaries, hurting something else we care about, or any number of things. You cannot control what they do – you CAN control what you do, and following through on the consequences you set is one way to get the message through that you will not tolerate having your boundaries violated anymore. This is not a threat – it’s simply behavior leading to consequences. If you engage in behavior A, then B will happen. It’s like telling a young child, if you put your hand on a hot stove, you will get burned.  “Rick, if you hit me one more time, or call me stupid one more time, I am leaving. I will not tolerate that behavior anymore.” And then FOLLOW THROUGH.

Dealing with "Pushback":



If you’re setting boundaries for the first time, the people who are used to you “the old way” may have some trouble accepting the “new you.” When you say “no” to Uncle Al, you may get him saying, “I didn’t mean nuthin’. You’re being an uptight bitch” or, "Loosen up. It's just a hug!" or you may experience your family members enabling Uncle Al - "Aw, darlin' - Uncle Al's just being himself. Lighten up and it will be ok."  This is where standing strong is both hard and helpful. No matter what Uncle Al or the rest of the family says, if you’re uncomfortable with him touching you, you have the right to be free from that touch. I’ve found that early in the boundary setting process, the people you interact with may have trouble accepting your new boundaries and the “new you.” Working with a good therapist can help you remain strong and focused when these issues arise. Support – whether from a support group, a therapist, another friend working on boundaries, a church group , wherever you can find support – is crucial.

Setting emotional boundaries can be every bit as difficult. If you’ve been compliant, saying “no” will be hard at first. You may feel guilty, you may encounter things like, “But you’ve always done ________” or “You’ve helped me before/done this for me before, why can’t you now?” People will get used to the new you – it will take time, though. If you’re standing up to emotional abuse – from someone who is a controller or nonresponsive – you may face more of the same, at a more intense or frequent rate until they “get” that you’re not backing down. Again, the support of a good therapist, group, neighbor, friend, church – anything/anyone that supports you in this work, is crucial to your success. Support and information are the two pillars that help support the work that you’re doing – creating stability and success in being you. The third pillar is you – do all you can, get the support and help you need, and (even thought it sounds simple) just move! Getting over the inertia of helplessness, depression, history, etc is HARD and necessary. For your sake – for being who you are, and becoming you – move. Personally, I can tell you that, while it IS hard work, it is also very worth it and that you come out on the other side much better equipped to take care of yourself and love your self.

Great Resources:

Henry Cloud &  John Townsend, Boundaries: When to say YES, how to say NO to take control of your life (Revised 2008). Zondervan Publishers

Anne Katherine, Boundaries: Where you end and I begin. (1993) Fireside Publishers

Robert Burney, http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

Please Note: The content on  this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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Boundaries & You, Part 2: How our boundaries get broken

4/6/2014

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“Heads up” Note: This post may bring up painful and/or overwhelming issues. If you feel that you are being overwhelmed by reading this, please stop, contact a therapist and/or call 911 if you feel you need/want immediate help. As always, this post is NOT meant as therapy and I give it you for informational purposes only. That said, I realize how sensitive a topic this can be, and want you to take care of yourself and do what it takes to be safe and whole. My email is: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com,  if you wish to email me, or you may leave comments on the blog. I do respond to each and every comment, so if you wish to leave a comment, I will get back to you. You may also call me at (970) 776-6043 and leave me a message.

Also: This discussion may seem to move “backward” as I’m describing boundary violations before I talk about healthy boundaries. The reason for this setup is that I want us all to have a common understanding of what a violation is – and many of us may not even recognize that our boundaries were violated. So we start with a common awareness, and will move to a discussion of healthy boundaries from there.

Ways Our Boundaries Get Broken:

Ignoring someone’s healthy boundaries is a sign of disrespect at the very least and is abusive at the worst. Ignoring someone's boundaries may also be tied to anger, insecurity, substance abuse, or an inability to recognize and respect any boundaries (including their own).  Unfortunately there are many, many instances – far too many to list here – when someone’s healthy, human rights and needs have been physically and metaphorically run over.

Child abuse – physical and sexual – are severe, physical boundary violations. Emotional/verbal abuse is a severe psychological boundary violation. These violations *always* traumatize the victim. The level and type of trauma varies, but it is there. Relationship and elder abuse have the same pattern and consequences – the body and the right to control your body is taken from you without your consent, and that is, pure and simple, a violation and abusive. Beyond standard and accepted care issues, any time someone does things to your body without your consent, that is a violation. I’ve heard many people reframe these violations in many terms such as “discipline,” “seduction,” “she wanted it,” “he deserved it,” “she was leading me on,” “I had to bring him in line,” – there are as many excuses for perpetrating violence as there are perpetrators. Beyond the obvious trauma of the physical invasion and violation, there are often long-standing psychological scars and wounds, which are often made worse by further psychological and emotional boundary violations.

Emotional abuse wasn’t even on our “radar” until about 30 years ago. I remember as a child watching one of the first “awareness” public service messages and thinking, “So, THAT’s what it is - that's what's been happening.” Emotional and psychological abuse have been part of the fabric of our families and our society for likely as long as we’ve had families and societies. It’s unfortunate and tragic that some people need to hurt other people – physically or emotionally – but there are people who do that. WHY they do it could be a book, and part of it may be another post entirely, but for now, let’s understand that they do exist.

So, what are these kinds of abuse? Emotional abuse is abuse that focuses on the person’s sense of self, sense of worth, and ability to function as a whole, worthy human being in our world. Comments like “If you’re so smart, why do you do such stupid things?”, “You ruined my life”, or “You’re nothing without me. You’d have nothing if it weren’t for me and you’d fall apart if I weren’t around” all count as emotional abuse. When these are perpetrated over the course time, one’s self-esteem, self-worth, and ability to function independently are compromised. I’m often asked why women who leave partners that batter them tend to go back to those partners…it’s a combination of many factors, but among them is that over time, they’ve come to believe these negative, horrible things about themselves that their partners and/or others have told them. Calling names, refusing to acknowledge your needs  or even acknowledge you as a person, or talking to others about your perceived failures – all of these over time leave scars. These scars are on the inside, though, and aren’t easily seen – so we who have them tend to hide them as well as we can.

Many of us were victims of these kinds of abuse when we were children – this abuse was likely perpetrated by someone we should have been able to trust – parents, extended family, teachers, neighbors…and the fact is, we couldn’t trust them. We learned that our needs, our wants, and things important to us didn't matter and that what mattered was the needs and wants of the people who hurt us. As children, we were way more likely to try to please others (“the good child” – If I do what they want, maybe they’ll like/love me and I’ll know what I’ve been doing wrong) or act out (“the bad child” – It doesn’t matter what I say, need, feel, or do because I’m going to get punished one way or another anyway, so I might as well do what I want). There are/were people who fall in the middle, too – trying to look like the “good person” on the outside, but perpetrating themselves or acting out when they think it is safe to do so. These certainly aren’t the ONLY outcomes of childhood abuse – some of us are resilient and survive and thrive anyway. There are always scars though, and being able to recognize, set, and hold to healthy boundaries is one of the most common consequences of these types of violations and abuse.

Not all trauma and/or boundary violations occur in childhood, either…rape, spousal abuse (especially if passively condoned by family members who are aware, or if the abuse has gone on for a long time), other violent crime, other nonviolent crime – Identity theft comes to mind as an example of a crime that can lead to feeling extreme boundary violations. Your very legal life has been hijacked! Military personnel who find themselves in a situation where they must follow orders or risk the consequences associated with not doing so (and they can be very severe, especially the unofficial sanctions) experience boundary violations – their sense of what is right and wrong is overthrown and minimized in the service of the military action or exercise. Elder abuse in care situations also comes to mind, as does harassment in the workplace or being stalked. There are a myriad of situations where our personal boundaries can and are violated.

Cloud and Townsend have a neat way of understanding people with boundary problems – both violators and those whose boundaries have been violated. Their chart is reproduced in the Word file below. They talk about different ways we respond to boundaries - whether or not we can hear "yes" or "no" and whether or not we can say "yes" or "no." This chart is a good way to think about how boundary violations work. Chances are most of us have fallen in one or even more than one of these at one time. I can tell you, I'm a great compliant/avoidant, and it’s taken a LOT of work to become different in that regard. The real problem comes when we’re stuck in one or more of these and are not able to set, maintain, or respect other people’s boundaries.

Ok, now that we have a sense of what it’s like when boundaries are violated, let’s talk about what good boundaries look like.  One thing Cloud and Townsend emphasize over and over is knowing where “we” end and where everything else begins. People who violate boundaries don’t get this, and people whose boundaries were violated also have a hard time “getting” this. (I use “getting” to mean a gut-level, emotional AND mental understanding.) A boundary is knowing where *I* end – what I can control, what I can do, how I feel, how I react – and where everything else begins (e.g., what I can’t control, what other people feel, say, or do.) This truth is the essential core of what a boundary is. Again: A boundary is where I end, and everything else begins - it's a rule I set for where I choose to let in or keep out other people or things.

Please Note: The content on  this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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Boundaries and You, Part 1: What are they, and why do they matter?

4/6/2014

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Boundaries and You: What are they, and why do they matter?

“Heads up” Note: This post may bring up painful and/or overwhelming issues. If you feel that you are being overwhelmed by reading this, please stop, contact a therapist and/or call 911 if you feel you need/want immediate help. As always, this post is NOT meant as therapy and I give it you for informational purposes only. That said, I realize how sensitive a topic this can be, and want you to take care of yourself and do what it takes to be safe and whole. My email is: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com if you wish to email me, or you may leave comments on the blog.You may also call me and leave at message at (970) 776-6043. I do respond to each and every comment, so if you wish to leave a comment, I will get back to you.

Also: This discussion may seem to move “backward” as I’m describing boundary violations before I talk about healthy boundaries. The reason for this setup is that I want us all to have a common understanding of what a violation is – and many of us may not even recognize that our boundaries were violated. So we start with a common awareness, and will move to a discussion of healthy boundaries from there.

Boundaries are a popular and important aspect of my work. However, many people aren't sure what we mean when we talk about "boundaries." Simply put, a boundary is a rule that you set, or someone else sets, about what is ok and what is not ok. We all have boundaries, although some of us may have more difficulty with setting, keeping, or respecting them than do others. 
Boundaries come in many different forms. In this discussion, I’m relying heavily on Cloud & Townsend’s excellent book, “Boundaries:  When to say YES, When to say NO to take control of your life” (Zondervan, 1992 – there may be a second edition available at this point.) I’m also relying on my experiences – both as someone who’s had boundaries violated and from working with people whose boundaries were violated. Boundaries are NOT trying to control anyone else, or get them to do what we want.  Rather, it’s trying to set rules and guidelines for ourselves about what is acceptable to us, what is not, and how we’re going to take care of ourselves.


There are many kinds of boundaries, the most basic of which is the fact that we are separate physical beings from other people. When someone else – intentionally or not – invades and/or ignores that separateness without our permission, that is what we call a “boundary violation.” A boundary violation is exactly what it sounds like – a boundary that should have been maintained or honored has been crossed.

Boundaries are all around us in the world – you know the signs that say “Do Not Enter” or “Store Personnel only beyond this point”? Those are boundaries. A “stop” sign is a boundary, as is a locked door. Having separate restrooms for men and for women is a boundary, our very homes are boundaries that separate our family from the rest of the world. The list of boundaries that exist physically in our world is nearly limitless. Boundaries in the world around us are not always physical, either – generally speaking, we don’t go up to people and ask them what kind of underwear they’re wearing – that’s a social boundary. All those verbal and nonverbal rules about how we behave around other people are also boundaries. Here’s another example of a social, unspoken boundary: When you’re visiting your doctor’s office, you generally don’t ask about his/her spouse by the first name and ask about how their businesses are going (unless you have a REALLY good, outside-the-office friendship). You may share things about your life, but the general rule is that you don’t ask the professionals you work with about their personal lives and relationships. (There are, of course, exceptions – sometimes we therapists may say things about our lives to help you understand and trust us. These should always be done, however, with YOUR best interest in mind.) Think about what happens when you cross one of these boundaries: you may get a surprised reaction, someone may reiterate the boundary with you (“I don’t think it’s appropriate for me talk with you about that”), they may move away from you and/or have little interaction with you from that point on, etc. The point here is, social boundaries aren’t always clear or spoken – AND they still exist and must be observed, or there are consequences. These are “group” boundaries – they apply to us as a social group. There are also individual boundaries, and we are going to focus here on those.

Your individual boundaries, like the group boundaries are both physical and social. Physically, your skin is a boundary – it keeps us separate from and protected from the world around us. When that boundary is compromised, we risk being hurt – bleeding, damage, infection. Our bodies themselves are a boundary. Other than normal infant, medical, or physical care, our bodies belong to us and we should have the ultimate say about who touches them or has access to them. Unfortunately, these boundaries are violated way more that we would care to admit. A cross-over boundary between the physical and psychological boundaries is our "space" - how close we all allow people to get before we feel uncomfortable. Depending on our culture, how we've been treated physically and psychologically and a whole host of other factors, our personal space may or may not be a huge boundary issue.

Psychologically speaking, boundaries are the way we respect ourselves and our needs while respecting others and their needs – it’s how we take care of ourselves and let others do the same. Ideally, this is a two-way street, but as many of us know, that’s not always the case. Healthy boundaries mean we take responsibility for our “stuff” – our issues, our growth, our needs and wants – and that we respect those same things in other people. Having healthy boundaries means realizing that someone may do or "be" in ways different from us, and that we don’t have to impose our way of being on them. Having healthy boundaries also means that we are able to tell other people that they have done something harmful or hurtful to us, in a way that is respectful to both them and us. Robert Burney has a great discussion of setting boundaries on his website (http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm). While he is discussing boundaries in the context of codependency, some of his words are applicable to many situations. His concepts echo Cloud and Townsend, where they speak of boundaries being flexible. There are some boundaries that are not meant to be flexible – having the right to control your body and what’s done to it is one of those. Other boundaries leave room for negotiation and change: “While I’m a student, I’ll accept your expertise and authority. Once I’m working on my own, though, you need to respect my needs for independence and growth.” (As you’re probably guess by now, this boundary stuff can get sticky sometimes!)

Cloud and Townsend have a great analogy for what a healthy boundary would look like. If your boundaries are too tight or too rigid, it's like putting up a stone wall keeping the rest of the world outside. Too many of us have had to do this to survive, and learning to take down the walls is hard work. Boundaries that are too "loose" or too permeable are like an open rail fence - they may keep somethings in or out, but generally there isn't much of a barrier there - both for protecting what's inside and for keeping what's inside from leaking out. Again - many of us have not been allowed to learn to set healthy boundaries, and may have boundaries that are too open. Ideally, healthy boundaries are like a strong, secure fence with a gate - we can keep in what we want and protect ourselves from the world, and can let out what we want to let out in a healthy manner.

Please Note: The content on  this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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    Laura Burlingame-Lee:

    I am someone who thoroughly loves life and believes in the power we have to help each other. I think that having a hot cup of tea, a good book, and a warm, purring kitty are some of the most soothing experiences available in life, and loving my family, hearing the sound of children laughing, feeling rain on my skin, and smelling the salt air by the ocean are some of the best possible things in life! 

    I believe we all have inner wisdom, and that learning to listen to it is one of the hardest and most rewarding things we can do. I believe we all have gifts and talents to share, and that we have the opportunity every day to learn something new. We learn, we grow, and we shine!


    I'd love to hear from you!

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