Category: Letting Go

Word Power: Journaling as a Tool

7/14/2014

In my attempt to turn the mood around here a bit, I thought I'd write about one of my favorite wellness tools: Journaling. I have to start by saying that my definition of what makes a "journal" is pretty broad - for years I kept a copy paper box full of file folders with inspiring articles, pictures, quotes - and my comments on them. That, for a while, was my "journal." My bottom line in terms what constitutes a "journal" is that it's anything you want it to be. If you call it a "journal," then in my book, it's a journal. Period. There are way too many things in our lives and our worlds that end up being judged - the last thing we need judged is our creative and psychological expressions. Make it whatever you want it to be!

Today, my journals tend to be a little more traditional, but that doesn't mean that I don't branch out on occasion. I usued to keep a "creative journal" which used to be a page-a-day appointment book - I used the pages as something on which to mount my creative expressions. I've been feeling "blocked" creatively for the last couple of months, so there hasn't been anything new to add, but I'm hoping that I'll let loose with a barrage of visual creativity here soon.

I also keep a "regular" journal in one of those cheap composition books that you can buy in the grocery store. This is really my therapeutic journal. When I have trouble thinking straight or am feeling overwhelmed, this is the spot where it all comes out. For me, my creative journal is my "public" journal - if anyone sees it, it's not that big of a deal (after all, I posted pictures of it - how picky can I be?). My "regular" journal is a different story, though. This is the private stuff. When I'm really having a tough time coping, I get this out and write until I can't write anymore. If you're going to do this kind of writing, make sure you feel safe, or that you have some safety to do it. You may want or need to hide, lock up, or keep your journal in a place you feel is safe.

I'm not kidding about that either - once I was so overwhelmed and feeling so down that I wrote for nine straight pages! I've found that there are some incredible books and systems for journaling - my advice would be to do what works for you. That's an important point, because there's a perception that there are a lot of rules to follow, like you should write every day, or write for a certain amount of time or a certain number of pages. It's really important to do what works for YOU. Forget the rules, and forget the shoulds. Let yourself play, too - this can be fun as well as insightful!

I don't put any pressure on myself to write every day, or to write about a certain topic - my journal is MY expression. If you're the kind of person who thinks journaling would help you, I would encourage you to do this - again, do what works for you. Some people have spent lots of money and taken lots of courses on certain systems, like the Progoff system. Others, myself included, buy tons of books on writing and journaling. Other people simply just do it. Some people keep one journal and work through one book at a time. Other people have three or four going at once.

The point here is that this is a tool to help you cope, to help you feel better, and to help you deal with the world around you in a healthy way. It's a tool to help you get to know yourself, and to have a safe place to vent, let off steam, ponder deep thoughts, record your history - whatever you want to make it. This is not the only tool, by far - but it is a very helpful one.

The hard thing is that I see so many people start this, and then quit because they think they are "not doing it right" or read something that makes them feel they are "not good enough." Frankly, as a journal-ist AND as a mental health professional, I can honestly tell you that there IS no one, right or true way to do this. Anything you do here IS good enough, because it's an expression of who you are, where you are in your life, and what you're dealing with.

And if it helps you cope and feel better - as well as be a better person, than it is good enough, right enough, and healthy. If it appeals to you, look up journal prompts, or join a site with an ongoing journal support group. One of my projects that I have going is writing an e-book of journal prompts. I'm excited about it, and hope to offer it in time for the new year.

Whatever you do, do what works. It's effective, and it's healthy.

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected]

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It's the Little Things...

7/14/2014

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Have you ever noticed how something small can be a "tipping point" that changes your day from "good" to "bad" in an instant? It can be a critical comment from someone at work, or a family member saying or doing something that makes you pause and think, "Wow...that was out of line." It can be something impersonal, like getting flipped off or cut off in traffic because someone else is in a hurry and not driving carefully...there are any number of things that can really mess up our day, and leave us feeling drained, irritated and/or angry, and feeling like everything's going downhill.

Frankly, it sucks. We've all been there, and know what it's like. I'm not going to lie and say I never get stuck in it. It's easy to let things add up and take over, and may feel like we're riding a wild, out-of-control, roller coaster. So, what do you do? Well...as usual, there are some answers and tips from the therapeutic couch that may help. These aren't necessarily the only things you can do, or "THE ULTIMATE COSMIC ANSWER" - rather, they're things you can try to help YOU feel better. Unfortunately, there's no magic wand to change the world around you, and we can't make your husband/kid/boss/coworker/"idiot on the road" change. That's just beyond our control. (In therapy I sometimes take a kid's pretend magic want, whap it on the table or chair and say, "See? It's broken - it doesn't work! NOW what do we do?")

Well...now what do we do? The first thing, in my experience, is to try and separate yourself from what's going on. You can't make your boss be nice, or make that person on the road or in the grocery store be polite and reasonable. You can't make your family members stop making comments about your appearance. However, you can set up some good boundaries and realize that you don't have to allow them to get you upset. I'll fully admit, though - some situations are easier to do this with than are others.

Easier said than done, isn't it? Trust me, I know - from tons of personal experience myself. And yet, it's important to know what's your stuff and what's their stuff. (Remember the definition of a boundary? It's where you end and I begin.) Eastern faith traditions call this compassionate detachment - you can look at what's going on and realize (or even say to yourself) that "this is what's going on for him or her. If I have something to apologize for, I can do it. But their anger or their irritation is NOT me."

It sounds a little weird, I'll admit. And it does take practice to become a habit. But if you think about it, it's incredibly freeing to realize that you're not responsible for someone else's anger, or even their feelings in general. Now, don't get me wrong - certainly what we say or do affects the way other people feel - this isn't a "get out of jail free" card to say or do whatever you want. In fact, our actions can be the tipping point for someone else - so it pays to watch what you say and do as well.

Anyway - realizing that you are separate from someone else's emotional reaction can help you deal with what's going on in a more rational "wise mind" kind of way. (If you don't know what "wise mind" is, see the post for DBT Skills, Part 1 )

So, knowing what's you and what isn't you helps. Another trick from the DBT bag is to try "opposite action" - this is where you do the exact opposite of what you want to do (part of the DBT Emotion Regulation skills). I know...it sounds hard, and it is. When you want to spit back a sarcastic response, you instead say something nice. "Thanks for your input. I hope you have a great day from here on." It might be the last thing in the world that you want to do - and it does help. You'll have to trust me on this one - but think of it this way - if nothing else, it confuses the heck out of the other person!

Another thing to do is just take a quick breathing break - practice distress tolerance skills (another DBT post: Distress Tolerance Skills) or relaxation and stress reduction skills: breathing, distracting yourself, self-soothing (a coffee or tea break can work wonders), a little bit of exercise (say a walk at lunch), or anything that helps you feel better (and doesn't harm anyone - including the person who ticked you off to start with ;p ). All these things can help. Finally - all the CBT stuff I talked about earlier will also help.

These may not completely turn around your day, but they can help you feel better. The key point is to remember that you don't have to let someone else's bad mood or bad day ruin yours. So...have a great day, and remember that someone out here is rooting for you!

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected]

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Playing Hooky: Healthy Selfishness and Play

7/13/2014

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This has been a busy year so far. I've studied for (and passed) the EPPP, psychology's licensing exam, I've finished my supervision hours, and I've done what seems like endless amounts of paperwork. This last week was no different, except that there were more than a usual amount of clinical issues to be documented. I've put in several 11-hour days this week, and I need a break. SO...I'm taking one.

When I work with clients, I'm always encouraging people to be gentle with themselves and to take care of themselves. That doesn't mean not being accountable for your actions, by the way - it does mean if you have to take yourself to task you can do it in a way that's kind and gentle. One of my friends recently talked about how the Golden Rule also means treating yourself the way you'd want to be treated. If you'll notice, the Golden Rule doesn't say, "Treat others as you treat yourself," but rather "as you'd want to be treated." So, why do we have so much trouble treating OURSELVES the way we'd want to be treated?

How often do we find ourselves chronically putting our needs last? Or ignoring our bodies' needs for rest and relaxation? How often do we take care of everyone else, leaving no time to do so for ourselves? For women, especially, it's a chronic issue. For parents, it's a necessity a lot of the time. For students, workers...the list of situations in which we put our own care last is nearly endless.

When I work with people who chronically ignore or negate their own needs I used what I call "Healthy Selfishness." I use this term for a couple of reasons. One is that "selfishness" has been a label thrown at many us since we were small children, and it has such a negative connotation that reclaiming the word in a different way helps people see that it's NOT a bad thing to take care of themselves. That's the "Healthy" piece. It's healthy to care for ourselves, and to let ourselves enjoy life and things we enjoy.

So, last night and today I spent some time playing. My kids like to get air-dry clay, so I made some beads that I will paint and varnish when they're dry. I got out my sketchbook and brainstormed ideas for fun things I want to do in my practice and in my life. I worked a little on a scrapbook of the cruise I went on with my mother. Tonight, I plan on watching a TV show, maybe reading a book or magazine, and (hopefully) going to bed early.

Somewhere along the way to being a "responsible adult," I lost all that. I was always the "responsible child" so losing play happened pretty early for me. Today, I find myself yearning to let go, to play, to let loose - and I don't know how. So...I'm going to the best teachers I know - my children.

I do have things I "should" do - I should work more on the business side of my job, I should work more on updating the paperwork for my private practice...AND I also should relax, take care of myself and treat myself the way I'd want to be treated. I should also not judge myself as harshly and punitively as I do. I should treat myself gently, respectfully, and lovingly. And that means paying attention to my need to relax, play, and cut loose a little.

So, I'm going to attempt more play. I'm going to get my kids to teach me how to make things, like clay representations of the heads on Mt. Rushmore, or how to properly have a combination tea/art party. These are the things that make life rich - and I plan to take a break from being an adult for a while. If you can, I encourage you to find the time and do it yourself.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected]

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Being "Cooped Up: Finding Freedom and Safety to be Ourselves

7/13/2014

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Have you ever noticed how kids act up and get into trouble when they're forced to be in a small space for a long period of time? It might (or might not) surprise you, but we "big people" are pretty much the same. These thoughts occurred to me last summer as we drove from our home in Colorado to visit my mom in Utah and from there to visit my husband's folks in Idaho

Now my kids are generally pretty good travelers, and we bring lots for them to do. I found that *I* got pretty cranky though, and felt antsy when I couldn't move a lot. Psychologically, we're like that too - when our minds and spirits are "cooped up," we tend to get irritable, cranky, and antsy.

"Cooped up" is obviously not a psychological or clinical term, but it's good for how we feel when we can't be ourselves - we're mentally and emotionally locked in a room that we can't leave for a variety of reasons. Maybe we're a little eccentric and people just don't understand us or think we're weird. Maybe the people and environment around us is toxic and it's not safe for us to be ourselves. Maybe we risk punishment in a variety of ways (ostracism, abuse, denigrating comments or discrimination) if we truly show who we are. My point is that we can't always be ourselves and that we suffer as a result.

Our world doesn't tolerate diversity and difference very well - we seem to be the kind of being that has to learn the hard way that our behaviors toward those who are different are hurtful and cruel. Sometimes, we don't realize this until we experience it ourselves and our eyes are opened. Some people never realize it, and some people never experience or recognize what it's like to be different. As painful as some of the experiences are, I think that coming through and overcoming them makes us stronger, more compassionate and more willing to change our own behaviors. In short - we grow, and become better people for the growing.

However, being emotionally and/or spiritually "cooped up" damages us while it happens. Part of being human is being able to express ourselves and who we are - it's what brings us joy and peace. Acceptance allows us to feel safe in sharing those soft vulnerable places where we let our humanity shine through. And being safe is crucial to being able to be who we are. When we're not safe, when we feel judged, or when we have to hide who we are, we wall off a part of ourselves that is crucial to being psychologically healthy. We lose the ability not just to play, but to grow, to thrive, to experience and fully immerse ourselves in joy and vitality.

Over time, we become anxious, depressed, angry, lonely, and maybe even traumatized (especially if abuse - ongoing or not - is occurring or has occurred.) We find ourselves "just getting through" - we may have trouble even knowing how to cope in healthy ways. We start to lose respect for and acceptance of ourselves as worthy, beautiful and interesting people. We may become isolated. It's tough to see the beauty in everyday life when we're focused on surviving and making it through instead of on living and thriving. It's next to impossible to feel free when you're cooped up by yourself or others and are unable to even think of breaking out. We become afraid - not just of the what will happen if we be ourselves, but of the punishments that hurt us and break our spirits. Fear becomes the companion of everyday life rather than joy - and the cost is locking up and losing ourselves.

I watch my children develop, and I really try to encourage them to be themselves, even if no one else understands.My son Aidan is different from other people, because he's on the autistic spectrum. Here's the thing - I celebrate those differences even as I worry about how he'll cope with being different once he's in school. My hope and goal, though, is that by showing him acceptance and by celebrating the things that make him unique - the things that make him Aidan - that he'll have the confidence to continue to be himself and have confidence in himself. I try to make his world safe and accepting while also showing him the realities of living in this world. We talk about how people are mean, and that it's ok to ignore that. It's ok to like "red balls" (marker balls), light poles, and power poles and not worry what other people think.

I try to use all the "tools" in my "toolbox" to help not just my kids, but myself break through and let go. I'm not completely successful yet, but realizing that this is a process helps (and that's one of the tools, too!) I use my DBT skills, my mindfulness skills, and my art skills to work on this - and I encourage the same in my children. Together we are curious, and go on "adventures" to see what's out there. I learn so much from THEM, too - noticing small things and seeing the world from such a different place...drawing on the sidewalk, splattering paint, using big, wide strokes to paint the world...there is a lot to learn from children.

We ALL need this kind of safety to grow. Without that safety, we may physically "grow up" - but inside there remains a scared, insecure side of ourselves that is "cooped up" and waiting to be able to run. Art therapists key into this when they encourage us to let go and play. The hard thing is that most of us don't know how to let go. Despite years of training, I include myself in this - even as I watch and encourage my children, I long to be able to release that side of myself.

One of the projects I've been involved with for a couple of years is a self-esteem seminar through Project Self-Sufficiency. I'm lucky enough to have been one of the facilitators, and one of the things I loved to do during that time was take part in providing safe and sacred space for the participants to let go and be who they were. I'd love to work on a "Letting Yourself Go" workshop, where I provide a safe place for music, dance, art and quiet time, all with the idea of breaking out of feeling "cooped up" and letting out who we are inside.

Just like children who get stuck in cars or planes or rooms or houses - we also get cooped up. We also need space, fresh air, play, safety, and love - and those things are not "extras" or "rewards" - they're basic human needs and if we didn't get them when we were little, let's work to have them now. Not just for ourselves - but for everyone. For the children who never get it, for the people we encounter everyday who are "cooped up" by jobs, bills, daily hassles, etc - we can ALL provide the breath of fresh air and just a little permission to let go.

Take care and remember to play!

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected]

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Coping With Tough Times, Part 1: Move

4/28/2014

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Today, I went for a walk. That might not seem like a big deal, but for me it was a change, and I’d like to share its importance with you. I moved, and that IS a big deal. I’ll explain why it’s a big deal in just a bit, so bear with me while I give you some background first.

Like many of you, I struggle in this economy. I try to be financially fair to the people I work with, because I realize that services like mine are expensive, and I want people to be able to get the help and support they need. This has been hard for me, though, because I struggle financially as well. I have been waiting for things to change, which brings me to the purpose of this post and the next few to follow. I’m finding that if I simply sit and wait for things to happen, I feel depressed, anxious and frustrated – and I’m generally not a pleasant person to be around when I’m feeling this way. A lot of us are like this - I know I'm not alone.

So, I decided to change the way I’m looking at my situation and living my life. Here’s where coping with tough times and moving comes in. There are things I can’t control, like the economy, and the fact that many of the things I'd like to do in my business rely on people wanting what I have to offer. There are a multitude of things I can’t control, and if I focus on them, then it’s an easy slide down to feeling lousy.

However, I CAN control myself and how I choose to react to this situation. After talking to people and experiencing unemployment myself, I know that it’s very easy to slip into feeling helpless, hopeless, and paralyzed about the future. There IS something I can do though. I can move. I can move my body, my mind, my feelings and my thoughts.

Ok, I can hear some people groaning, “Oh no…another Little Miss Sunshine who thinks that if I think good thoughts, everything good will happen to me.” So… hang in here with me. I’m NOT going to promise that if you change your thoughts you will automatically attract good things. What I AM telling you is that if you work to change the way you’re thinking, feeling and being now, you may start to feel better. How do I know this? I do it. It's the simple - I practice what I preach.

What I’m suggesting is that you move, somehow – even if it’s just getting out bed to face the day. Moving can be as simple as reframing your thoughts from “I’m never going to get a job” to “Things are tough right now. I’m doing the best I can.” Moving can be, “OK…I’m feeling pretty crummy right now and I have no money. What CAN I do to help myself feel better?” and coming up with ideas. Moving can be noticing the very little, simple things that make life worth living. For me, this is the smiles on my children’s faces and hearing their laughter. It’s feeling the sunshine on my face and noticing the colors and fragrances of the spring flowers. It's enjoying the feel of the wind on my face. For others, it might be the smell of a freshly-brewed cup of coffee, or the feel of your favorite blanket wrapped around you. The point is, moving – no matter how or how much – is a change that may help you start to feel better. And that’s why my walk today was so important – I moved.

I moved my body, and while moving my body, I moved my mind. Moving my mind (thinking) helped me move my feelings. During my walk, I thought about what I have to offer – what are my skills and talents? What am I passionate about? I thought about how to share what I know with others who might be feeling the same thing. And I felt better about myself, in spite of my job situation. I thought about how to market myself, and what I can do to promote my business. In short, moving helped.

SARK has made some worksheets that come from her book “Make Your Creative Dreams Real” involving what she calls “microMOVEments.” These involve taking baby steps toward creating and realizing a dream that you have. Whether you call them baby steps, micromovements, tiny leaps of faith – it’s still movement.

The world isn’t necessarily going to change because you move (but who knows - maybe it will!). However, YOU may start to change because you move. Honestly, this post – and the idea of coping with tough times - came out of my desire to feel better. I am “moving” by writing and sharing my knowledge with you. I can’t change the world, but I can offer my skills and gifts as a way to help me feel better and to hopefully make a difference for others who feel like I’ve been feeling.

I’m going to continue to write on ways to cope in tough times. If you have suggestions on topics you’d like to see, please get in touch with me: [email protected]. I’m always interested in feedback and ideas. For you? Move with hope in your heart and life in your soul!

Please Note: The information on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help.

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I Wish There Was a Magic Wand...

4/28/2014

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I wish there was a magic want. I really do. But...There really is no magic wand.

There. I've said it. It stinks, it hurts sometimes, it's depressing. And it's true: there is no magic wand to wave and make our troubles just disappear.

I always wanted to be Samantha on "Bewitched" - even if she got into messes, she could twitch her nose and all would be well. (Of course, she did have to put up with that dork of a husband Darrin...anyway...) Wouldn't it be nice if we could make ourselves look the way we want, make other people behave the way we want and do the things we want? If we could control everything and have it our way? (OK, there's an Endora streak in me too - I admit it.)

Well, believe it or not...no. As hard as it is sometimes, we learn from our struggles. We don't choose or deserve many of the things that happen to us or are done to us - but we have a choice in terms of learning to how deal with it without letting it control us. I know that sounds harsh, and I apologize - I never, ever want to minimize someone's pain by being flip. Here, though - this really is our choice. Recovery, healing, and moving forward are all "dealing with it." No matter what happens - we always have a choice: We can choose how we react and what we do with it,

The thing is, it's awfully easy to let whatever happened or whoever hurt us control us and I know that from experience. Emotions and mood states are POWERFUL, and can distort how we perceive reality. These things are also REAL - depression, anxiety, PTSD, anger, fear - they all are very real and affect us deeply. As tough as it is, our task is to try to see ourselves objectively and to try to do the best we can without further hurting ourselves or hurting other people. And doing so is not easy at all. It's a growth process, and a rebirth in many ways. It IS a process.

This process is not an easy thing to learn either. When I was doing my training, I used to keep a kid's magic wand in the little office where I did my counseling. Sometimes people would come in and would want to change someone else - like their children or spouse, their boss or coworkers, or extended family members. Other times, I'd hear people talk about how unfair things were and how others should do things/see things their way, or how life should be different. At this point, IF I'd established good rapport with my client, I'd take the magic wand and bang it on the end table or chair and say, "Look...it doesn't work. NOW what are we going to do? We've got to figure how to handle this, because the magic wand doesn't work!"

This almost always got a laugh - and made an important point. There is no easy fix for a lot of these issues. In fact, many of the issues that people talked about WERE unjust. However, we can't change other people, and sometimes we can't change what happens to us.

What we can do, however, is change ourselves. Again, it's not easy - this really is hard work. It involves letting go of our "shoulds" for others, our attempts to make them do what we want them to do or treat us the way we want them to treat us. Our challenge is to accept them as they are, and deal constructively and effectively with the things that happen to us. (For the record: Accepting other people as they are does NOT mean approving of, liking, or agreeing with their behaviors, the harm they do, or the hurt they cause. We're not condoning or accepting in any way, shape, or form abuse or other harmful/hurtful behaviors. What we're doing is letting go of trying to change them, and instead focus on what we can do to help ourselves.)

This is the essence of psychological healing, in my opinion. Therapy ideally gives someone a safe place to learn about and practice letting go, acceptance, and self-change. It's not a magic wand, but it can be a magic place because the work that's done in the therapy room, when successful, is transformational.

The old analogy of the caterpillar going into the cocoon and emerging a butterfly really is apt. It's a cliche, but it's one that fits. The struggle to emerge from the cocoon is not only difficult, it's necessary for the butterfly to survive. Helping the butterfly emerge - even when well-intentioned - kills the butterfly. Human birth is similar - the process of being born and being pushed/squeezed out the birth control compresses the newborn's lungs, so that when s/he emerges, they expand to bring the infant the breath of life. (With humans, we've learned to compensate - the "magic wand" of medical science helps here.)

The point with these analogies is that the "magic wand" - the quick fix, easy way out, getting someone else to do it for us, etc. - robs us of our ability to grow into the person we're meant to be. Without that struggle, we don't get to learn and grow in quite the same way. In my field, we call this ability to "bounce back" and heal resiliency - and resilience can be developed and strengthened over time. We learn to develop healthy boundaries, we learn to cope with strong emotions and tolerate distress, we learn to think in a healther and more effective way, we learn to be mindful of ourselves and all of these things as we grow and heal. We learn - or relearn - how to interact with other people and grow relationships.

These things said, would I wish abusive, harmful, traumatic, or painful experiences on anyone in the sake of growth? NO. I can't say that emphatically enough - NO. We can't control what other people do or many times We CAN work to heal ourselves and grow, though. We can die in our cocoons, or we can struggle and emerge reborn to face the world. It's up to us. It's not easy. It's not pretty - and there really is no magic wand.

The magic is instead in us, in our ability to overcome.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected]

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Trust the Process

4/14/2014

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In my work as a therapist, I practice a form of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT. I like it because it brings in awareness and mindfulness of the present as well as working on behavioral options. I find that there are generally two ways we can work with people. One is to be results-oriented - and in a therapy environment, this is not necessarily a bad thing. We - my clients and myself - want to see that the therapy we're doing is working, right? Makes sense.

The other way we work is being process-oriented. A process orientation involves more than looking for results - it's looking at what's going on between the two people in the room, in terms of how they're relating to each other, and how this relating reflects what's going on outside the therapy room for the client. It also means paying more attention to the deeper meaning of what clients say, and how their words reflect their emotions and experiences, as well as their growth.

Process is even more than that, though. Process is the flow of life that runs through us and with us and by us. How we react to life often reflects the process we're experiencing. Trusting the process means letting go of the illusion of control that's keeping us from growing and trusting that our process - our lives - will eventually be ok.

Letting go in this way is a scary thing to do. It's something I learn and re-learn every day, and have to consciously practice - trusting the process is an active trust kind of thing for me.

I have several "mantras" I use to remind me to trust the process. One of my favorites is, "It is what it is." I usually follow that up with a question that gets at the heart of the issue: "Now, how do you want to deal with it?" or "What are my options?"

There are several situations where I'm currently using this process...and none of them are easy. I'm finding for me, though, that letting go and trusting the process at the very least brings me some peace of mind. I take care of what I need to take care of, and the rest will be what it will be.

To me, one key to being able to trust the process is using one of my DBT skills: Radical Acceptance. The basic idea is that you realize that you first have to see what reality IS rather than what you want it to be, and then next, work on accepting that this reality exists. It's a tough process - but once you're there, you're better able to deal with what is, and won't get caught up on what should be, or what's not fair. Radical acceptance is key to learning to trust the process, because you can't begin to see the process until you accept the reality you're facing. It's that simple.

Another key piece is letting go. For me, this also takes conscious thought and action - I ask myself, "Ok, how important is this really? Am I going to be worrying about this, or be angry at this 10 years from now?" If the answer is no, it's probably a good thing for me to let go of. And I again struggle with this a lot - and am learning that the process is again, worth it.

So, trusting the process means first accepting reality for what it is, and then letting go of our expectations of what's fair or what "should be." What next?

Here's where it gets a little less behavioral...one of the things that DBT emphasizes is mindfulness, and I believe that mindfulness is another important key to trusting the process. Once we've accepted and have started letting go, mindfulness (being aware with compassionate nonjudgment) will allow us to be open to the possibilities and opportunities that DO exist. Mindfulness also allows us to be aware of what's going on around us, what triggers us, and what our choices are - it's an incredible tool for increasing awareness and connection, if we choose to use it that way - it's how we see the process part that's going on here.

The final key in trusting the process is simply, trust. Many have us have learned, and learned well that we can't trust anyone. Life has let us be hurt or injured maybe even by people who were supposed to love and protect us. Other people take advantage of us, or make fun of us, or generally make the world an unpleasant place in which to live. And here I'm telling you to trust. Yeah, right....

Here's where you use active trust (see earlier post). If you've learned to trust no one or anything, it may be time to try and see if the time is right to experiment a little with trust. To trust the process though, at some point, you have to take that leap and just let go and trust. Something, someone, sometime...Use your active trust if it helps, and realize that it's likely going to be worth the effort.

Trust the process - and see where life takes you. Even if you trust no other process than the fact that the sun will rise the next day, it's a start - and a good one. You may find yourself going in a direction you'd never considered, or meeting people you'd never have known otherwise. Let go, let yourself have an adventure...and trust the process.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected].

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Learning to let go

4/14/2014

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A few years ago, I was in the process of mucking out our basement - and it was a HUGE process. We had only been in our house 6 years, but the basement was stuffed to the gills with empty boxes, stored "stuff," hundreds of pounds of research articles and paperwork...cleaning it out was a JOB. During this process, I had to look at what I'd saved, and what I wanedt to keep.

This sorting process is a metaphor for what we do in our lives - how many times do we "save" relationships that don't work/are dysfunctional/we've outgrown? Or "store" our resentments, anger and/or crappy life experiences? All of us do, to some extent, and some people find it easier to let go of these things than others. Some of us are more like me and my "stuff" - it feels hard or maybe even impossible to let go. We may not want to, we may not know we've accumulated this much "stuff," or we may simply not even know HOW to let go. We may feel paralyzed by fear and anxiety - "Where do I even start? This is overwhelming and I'm not sure I can do it!"

In my basement, the first step was to start sorting - and I started with one corner of the room. "Stuff" went into three piles: Throw away/recycle, Give away, and Keep. Here's one thing that applies when we're doing our mental sorting - pay attention to where your emotions are during the process. Strong emotions usually indicate something going on; in my basement they indicated some kind of attachment to the object. In some cases, I couldn't bear to throw something away, but couldn't keep it, either (infants' playyard, anyone? Little Tikes Castle?) - those all went to Goodwill. *I* didn't have them anymore, but someone else could enjoy them and use them.

In our lives we have this kind of stuff too...relationships we don't want to give up, but that aren't really helping us or other person anymore, or activities we hang on to "because I've always done it this way," but that don't work for us anymore. So what do you do with these? You can't exactly give them away. For me...I work on releasing them. I don't necessarily take direct action, but I "give it away to the universe" and let it go emotionally. I figure that the old saying of, "if you love something, set it free and if it was meant to be it will come back to you," applies here. Some kind of releasing ceremony or ritual may help you here...writing a good-bye in your journal, blowing dandelion seeds or bubbles into the wind and watching the breeze catch and carry them away - something that will help you emotionally release the situation. When it crops up again, think of what you did to help release and revisualize letting go again. Or, if you need to, do it again. It may help.

The stuff that you "throw away/recycle" may be tougher in a lot of ways. Much of this stuff is composed of dead relationships that you still hang on to, situations or memories that you dredge up and use to nurture old resentments and/or anger, anger at the past that you can't change - there are so many things that fit here, it's impossible to list them all. What do you do with these? There isn't exactly a cosmic stretchy-trash bag you can throw them in, right? These take longer to heal, and acceptance and forgiveness is a part.

Now, before you jump all over me with, "How can I forgive what s/he did to me? It's unforgivable!" or "S/he doesn't deserve my forgiveness," etc. I want to tell you that I'm talking about acceptance and forgiveness in a different light than any religious or "approval" context.

Acceptance and forgiveness are processes where you realize you can't change what happened or change the person who did it and you begin moving on - for your sake. In the work I do, we call it "radical acceptance." Acceptance here is "radical" because it's total - there is no room for fantasy, for imagining "what you'd do if..." or "if only I'd..." - this is dealing with what actually IS, rather than what we want it to be or what it could have been. And it's hard. We don't always like what we see - and it's also necessary to clear out the clutter of these resentments. It also doesn't happen overnight - it's a process and takes time, and you'll likely be doing it over and over for a while before it starts to feel right.

One thing to realize with "acceptance" is that it's NOT approving or agreeing with the situation. It's not resigning yourself either - it's simply acknowledging that the situation is what it is. There is a certain peace that comes when you accept, but you may also find yourself needing to move to acceptance over and over - that's part of the process. You also get to look at the real options you have - when you accept what is, then you can see what you can do with it. One option is forgiveness.

The other piece of this equation, forgiveness, is also not quite what it might seem on the surface. We've all heard the maxims, "forgive your enemies," "forgive and forget," and "turn the other cheek," etc. This is not the kind of forgiveness I'm talking about. Our process may end up leading us there, but that's not the important part at this moment. The important parts are that a) forgiveness is for US, for OUR peace of mind and that b) we try. Like acceptance, this is a process and doesn't come overnight. Forgiveness here tends to take the form of coming to terms with our past or with the relationships that are not right for us in a way that we feel healthy about. It's NOT a blanket, "I forgive you and let's forget and move on." First of all, there is no way that many of us COULD forget what was done to us and second, moving on is for US.

When we're stuck in these relationships, in our pasts, or in our hurt and resentments, we're not moving on, and we're hurting ourselves. I'm not going to minimize the pain of what others do or have done to us, but we don't have to continue their process of hurting us by not letting go. Acceptance and forgiveness here is oriented toward ourselves - and letting go is the process by which it happens. Note the word "process" - this isn't something you decide to do in the morning and be all done with by lunchtime. Like the other processes I've mentioned, you'll have to come back to it over and over again, and do it over and over again.

I've also noticed that in a lot of these situations, there is so much self-blame and hurt - forgiveness here means forgiving yourself. (Some of you may be saying, "What? I have nothing to forgive myself for! I wasn't the one who hurt me!" You're right - and you're in a different place from the people I'm addressing here. And honestly? Good for you if you don't have it! :) ) A lot of us carry guilt, or harbor feelings of "If only I'd..." or "I should have..." Forgiveness here means again, first accepting the reality of what you did do and realistically could control, and then also accepting the reality that you did what you could do. Forgiveness here means letting go of the punitive "shoulds" and being gentle with yourself so healing can happen. And as always in this post, it's a process, and learning to trust the process is an important part of letting go.

Some of the ideas I gave you earlier in "giving away" things also work here - creating a "farewell" ceremony, writing a eulogy in your journal, or releasing the pain and hurt to the universe (burying it or a symbol of it, maybe) sometimes help. The key work is done inside you, though.

Some of the things in my basement were hard to throw away - my dissertation articles ("What if I need them again?"), boxes of things I"d kept from my first marriage (they reminded me of a very unhappy time in my life) and letters from old loves ("what if I'd..." "I wonder what could have been..."). And as hard as it was, it was a necessary process. When I began thinking about this, the clutter was about half clear, and I was still excavating. Occasionally, I came across things I still needed: teaching materials, art supplies, old photographs...these are like the things we keep in our lives. These are the things that lift us up, remind us of who we are, and of what's important to us. And once the clutter is cleared, it's easier to remember and easier to appreciate these things.

And now? It's time to re-evaluate and clear the clutter again. Like life, it's an ongoing process.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help.

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Coping With Tough Times, Part 1: Move

I Wish There Was a Magic Wand...

Trust the Process

Learning to let go

Laura Burlingame-Lee:

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