These are a sample of the prompts in my book, "Loving the Questions: Creating a Life You Love Through Journaling and Art." The main book has 8 chapters, and there is an appendix containing a manual with an additional 14 sessions for art projects to use either individually or in a group.
The Masks We Wear
Do you remember dressing up at Halloween? When I was a child, we dressed up in cheap, polyester costumes that had plastic masks. We could be anything – Wonder Woman, a clown, a mummy, Frankenstein’s monster, a vampire – the limit was your imagination. If you didn’t get to dress up for Halloween, you may remember seeing a play or a film showing a masquerade ball. The actors or dancers could hide their identity behind the masks they wore.
As we grow up, we learn that we need to show a certain face to the world. We learn to hide what we really feel, think, and want so that we can get along in a world that generally pushes us to conform to certain standards (that may or may not fit). We learn to put on masks of social acceptability. Over time, we learn to hide ourselves behind these masks, but risk losing our true selves inside the socially acceptable identities we take on. Sometimes, we even mistake the mask for our true face - who we really are. We all have parts that we hide from the world. We put on and wear masks, sometimes many of them, during our waking hours.
Wearing masks isn’t necessarily bad. We need to put them on to function in our world. For example, I wear a psychologist mask, a mother mask, a wife mask, a colleague mask, and several others. Just like a real mask can look like the person who puts it on, sometimes the masks we wear do reflect parts of who we are. However, masks can hide who we are as well. What masks do you wear? Do the masks reflect who you are? Do they hide who you are? What’s on the inside of your mask?
Do you remember dressing up at Halloween? When I was a child, we dressed up in cheap, polyester costumes that had plastic masks. We could be anything – Wonder Woman, a clown, a mummy, Frankenstein’s monster, a vampire – the limit was your imagination. If you didn’t get to dress up for Halloween, you may remember seeing a play or a film showing a masquerade ball. The actors or dancers could hide their identity behind the masks they wore.
As we grow up, we learn that we need to show a certain face to the world. We learn to hide what we really feel, think, and want so that we can get along in a world that generally pushes us to conform to certain standards (that may or may not fit). We learn to put on masks of social acceptability. Over time, we learn to hide ourselves behind these masks, but risk losing our true selves inside the socially acceptable identities we take on. Sometimes, we even mistake the mask for our true face - who we really are. We all have parts that we hide from the world. We put on and wear masks, sometimes many of them, during our waking hours.
Wearing masks isn’t necessarily bad. We need to put them on to function in our world. For example, I wear a psychologist mask, a mother mask, a wife mask, a colleague mask, and several others. Just like a real mask can look like the person who puts it on, sometimes the masks we wear do reflect parts of who we are. However, masks can hide who we are as well. What masks do you wear? Do the masks reflect who you are? Do they hide who you are? What’s on the inside of your mask?
Being Broken
“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” – Ernest Hemingway (Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises, 1929)
If you look closely at the rocks around you, you’ll notice that there are many different kinds. Sedimentary rocks are made from mud, silt and dust that has been layered and compressed, but this layering is not enough to create a rock. The compressed material must be also put under incredible pressure for a long time to become a rock. Many times, we’re like that – we become hard and rock-like when we’ve been under pressure/stress for a long time. Here’s where this metaphor applies more: Many times, these sedimentary rocks get heated, and they change into something different. It’s still a rock, but now we call it a metamorphic rock. We, too, go through fire and change as a result. Sometimes, even igneous rocks (the ones formed from magma and lava) get broken and changed too.
When I was younger, I was fascinated by rocks and could lose myself for hours in searching for interesting rocks and fossils. One day, after a particularly hard day when I was 12, I was searching. While I was looking, I came across an interesting rock. I was really upset and almost threw it back, but I looked closely at it before tossing it. I noticed that it had been crushed into pieces at one time. While in that crushed state, something had filled in the gaps and changed the rock. You could still see where it had been crushed and broken, but when it was changed, it became stronger. Because of its brokenness, it was stronger and more beautiful. This rock has been with me throughout the years – I still have it – reminding me that we can grow stronger at our broken places.
How are you strong at the broken places? How have you become stronger for having been through everything you’ve experienced?
“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” – Ernest Hemingway (Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises, 1929)
If you look closely at the rocks around you, you’ll notice that there are many different kinds. Sedimentary rocks are made from mud, silt and dust that has been layered and compressed, but this layering is not enough to create a rock. The compressed material must be also put under incredible pressure for a long time to become a rock. Many times, we’re like that – we become hard and rock-like when we’ve been under pressure/stress for a long time. Here’s where this metaphor applies more: Many times, these sedimentary rocks get heated, and they change into something different. It’s still a rock, but now we call it a metamorphic rock. We, too, go through fire and change as a result. Sometimes, even igneous rocks (the ones formed from magma and lava) get broken and changed too.
When I was younger, I was fascinated by rocks and could lose myself for hours in searching for interesting rocks and fossils. One day, after a particularly hard day when I was 12, I was searching. While I was looking, I came across an interesting rock. I was really upset and almost threw it back, but I looked closely at it before tossing it. I noticed that it had been crushed into pieces at one time. While in that crushed state, something had filled in the gaps and changed the rock. You could still see where it had been crushed and broken, but when it was changed, it became stronger. Because of its brokenness, it was stronger and more beautiful. This rock has been with me throughout the years – I still have it – reminding me that we can grow stronger at our broken places.
How are you strong at the broken places? How have you become stronger for having been through everything you’ve experienced?
When You Want to Escape Pain
Life brings us pain. From the very beginning – birth – there is pain. (Luckily, we don’t remember being born – it’s not for the faint-hearted!) There are plenty of platitudes that talk about the value of enduring and surviving pain and there is wisdom there, but the fact remains that being in pain is not something we humans like to experience. Pain HURTS.
In my skills training groups, when we talk about learning to cope with pain, I like to use a metaphor. Imagine for a minute that you’ve burned your hand on the stove's coil. The next time you’re in the kitchen, you’re not going to want to go near the stove or the burners, right? Now let’s say that you must fry something in a frying pan, and you need to put the food in and take it out. This task requires you to be near the burner again. What is going to happen if you refuse to go near the burner? Well, in all likelihood, you’re not going to get your food cooked. To get the food cooked, you must learn to get near the burner again. Pain is like that – we want to avoid what hurts us, but we're not always able to do that.
However, there is a time and a place for escape. If wanting to escape is human, how do you do it in a way that meets your needs and doesn’t make the situation worse? Honestly, some escapes are better and healthier than others. Escaping into drinking, drug use, self-harm, abusive behaviors, or avoiding responsibilities generally doesn’t help. DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) teaches the importance of taking “a vacation from adulthood” (Linehan, Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder, 1993); although the language was changed slightly in the second edition of DBT, the principle of using breaks to cope with distress stands (Linehan, DBT Skills Training Manual and Handouts/Worksheets, 2014a and 2014b). These escapes work best if they are short and should be non-harmful to you or anyone/anything else.
How do you know when it’s right for you to endure and survive pain? How do you know when it is the right time for you to escape it? When you need to escape pain, how can you do it in a healthy way – how can you “take a vacation from adulthood” when you need it, and what would it look like? Think short-term and longer-term, if needed. Write about or create a piece around the ideas of endurance and escape.
Life brings us pain. From the very beginning – birth – there is pain. (Luckily, we don’t remember being born – it’s not for the faint-hearted!) There are plenty of platitudes that talk about the value of enduring and surviving pain and there is wisdom there, but the fact remains that being in pain is not something we humans like to experience. Pain HURTS.
In my skills training groups, when we talk about learning to cope with pain, I like to use a metaphor. Imagine for a minute that you’ve burned your hand on the stove's coil. The next time you’re in the kitchen, you’re not going to want to go near the stove or the burners, right? Now let’s say that you must fry something in a frying pan, and you need to put the food in and take it out. This task requires you to be near the burner again. What is going to happen if you refuse to go near the burner? Well, in all likelihood, you’re not going to get your food cooked. To get the food cooked, you must learn to get near the burner again. Pain is like that – we want to avoid what hurts us, but we're not always able to do that.
However, there is a time and a place for escape. If wanting to escape is human, how do you do it in a way that meets your needs and doesn’t make the situation worse? Honestly, some escapes are better and healthier than others. Escaping into drinking, drug use, self-harm, abusive behaviors, or avoiding responsibilities generally doesn’t help. DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) teaches the importance of taking “a vacation from adulthood” (Linehan, Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder, 1993); although the language was changed slightly in the second edition of DBT, the principle of using breaks to cope with distress stands (Linehan, DBT Skills Training Manual and Handouts/Worksheets, 2014a and 2014b). These escapes work best if they are short and should be non-harmful to you or anyone/anything else.
How do you know when it’s right for you to endure and survive pain? How do you know when it is the right time for you to escape it? When you need to escape pain, how can you do it in a healthy way – how can you “take a vacation from adulthood” when you need it, and what would it look like? Think short-term and longer-term, if needed. Write about or create a piece around the ideas of endurance and escape.
Creating Personal Rituals
Whenever I visit the ocean, I have a small ritual I love. I first take off my shoes and focus on the feeling of the sand under my feet. I then take two or three deep slow, breaths and focus on the smell of the salt in the air as well as the taste of the salt on my tongue. I pick up a handful of sand and feel it in my hands and then I walk down to the water. At the edge of the shore, where the water kisses the land, I let my feet sink into wet sand and watch the water and sand cover my toes. I bend down, put a finger in the water, and taste the salty water on my finger. Then, and only then, do I breathe in deeply and think, “I’m home.”
While this personal ritual may not mean much to anyone other than myself, it’s a way of honoring the moment I feel connected to a sense of place and home. We all create rituals. These highly structured experiences help us relax and feel connected, whether to each other, our communities, or the sacred. Many people have a mindfulness practice that they perform daily; it creates inner peace and calm, and strengthens them so that they feel better able to cope with the stress of the day. There are a nearly infinite numbers of ways we can create ritual, and they all will have their own meanings.
In creating your personal rituals, you may choose to share them with others, or not. You may choose to make it elaborate and lavish, or simple and private, or any combination of these. The key here is that you create something that has meaning for you and helps you feel connected to something. In creating a personal ritual, think about what you want to recognize as important. Rituals have power and can bring deep meaning to our lives. What part of yourself to want to feel connected to? Or maybe, what part of your life do you want to recognize as special or even sacred?
Create a ritual that has meaning for you, using words, images, music, or other elements that you feel connected to. Then, bring that ritual into the light – do it, and feel it. Write about or create a depiction of your experience, and how you felt.
Whenever I visit the ocean, I have a small ritual I love. I first take off my shoes and focus on the feeling of the sand under my feet. I then take two or three deep slow, breaths and focus on the smell of the salt in the air as well as the taste of the salt on my tongue. I pick up a handful of sand and feel it in my hands and then I walk down to the water. At the edge of the shore, where the water kisses the land, I let my feet sink into wet sand and watch the water and sand cover my toes. I bend down, put a finger in the water, and taste the salty water on my finger. Then, and only then, do I breathe in deeply and think, “I’m home.”
While this personal ritual may not mean much to anyone other than myself, it’s a way of honoring the moment I feel connected to a sense of place and home. We all create rituals. These highly structured experiences help us relax and feel connected, whether to each other, our communities, or the sacred. Many people have a mindfulness practice that they perform daily; it creates inner peace and calm, and strengthens them so that they feel better able to cope with the stress of the day. There are a nearly infinite numbers of ways we can create ritual, and they all will have their own meanings.
In creating your personal rituals, you may choose to share them with others, or not. You may choose to make it elaborate and lavish, or simple and private, or any combination of these. The key here is that you create something that has meaning for you and helps you feel connected to something. In creating a personal ritual, think about what you want to recognize as important. Rituals have power and can bring deep meaning to our lives. What part of yourself to want to feel connected to? Or maybe, what part of your life do you want to recognize as special or even sacred?
Create a ritual that has meaning for you, using words, images, music, or other elements that you feel connected to. Then, bring that ritual into the light – do it, and feel it. Write about or create a depiction of your experience, and how you felt.
Confession and Cleansing: How Does Revealing Our Secrets Help Us?
In an earlier prompt in the book, I mentioned a community art project called “PostSecret” (www.postsecret.com). I’ve followed this blog for years and have loved seeing how the secrets shared show that we are similar in so many ways. I’ve seen some common themes in comments on this blog, along the lines of:
Think about a secret you held or hold, and how you felt acknowledging or revealing your secret(s) - even if it was just to yourself. There is power in releasing secrecy appropriately, and it’s similar to something called catharsis. Catharsis is the process of releasing strong emotion and gaining a sense of relief from the release. It’s allowing yourself to feel and experience the emotional intensity associated acknowledging deeply buried or ignored traumas. Common feelings that come with catharsis are liberation or freedom, relief, release, feeling purified or cleansed but may also include fear, anger, sadness, exhaustion, and/or grief. At times, the emotions can feel overwhelming, but it’s important to know that letting yourself feel is important to healing yourself. In this area especially, having someone to support you through this work can be critical, and working with a therapist or someone trained in supporting people through grief or trauma can really help.
For this exercise, create a postcard or other physical depiction of a secret you want to share. It doesn’t have to be any traditional piece, and it doesn’t have to use words - Warren has had secrets sent on bananas, coconuts, and shoes, among other items. He has also received secrets in code, images, and symbols. Find a way to both honor your experience of keeping the secret and of releasing it if you’re able. Depending on how you feel, perhaps consider submitting your postcard to PostSecret – there are no guarantees it will be shown on the website, but who knows? Keep in mind if submitting it is not something want to do, that’s fine too. Try to find some way to release the energy the secret held, though – you may want to burn it, destroy it in another way, or depending on what it is, perhaps celebrate it.
In an earlier prompt in the book, I mentioned a community art project called “PostSecret” (www.postsecret.com). I’ve followed this blog for years and have loved seeing how the secrets shared show that we are similar in so many ways. I’ve seen some common themes in comments on this blog, along the lines of:
- Me, too! I never knew anyone (did/thought/dreamed/felt) this!
- I’m so glad I’m not alone!
- I’m glad to find out I’m not so crazy after all!
- Wow…and I thought I was weird!
- We have so much in common, and I don’t feel so alone anymore
- This community has been so supportive I don’t feel so ashamed now (or embarrassed, alone, lonely, sad, scared, weird, etc.…)
Think about a secret you held or hold, and how you felt acknowledging or revealing your secret(s) - even if it was just to yourself. There is power in releasing secrecy appropriately, and it’s similar to something called catharsis. Catharsis is the process of releasing strong emotion and gaining a sense of relief from the release. It’s allowing yourself to feel and experience the emotional intensity associated acknowledging deeply buried or ignored traumas. Common feelings that come with catharsis are liberation or freedom, relief, release, feeling purified or cleansed but may also include fear, anger, sadness, exhaustion, and/or grief. At times, the emotions can feel overwhelming, but it’s important to know that letting yourself feel is important to healing yourself. In this area especially, having someone to support you through this work can be critical, and working with a therapist or someone trained in supporting people through grief or trauma can really help.
For this exercise, create a postcard or other physical depiction of a secret you want to share. It doesn’t have to be any traditional piece, and it doesn’t have to use words - Warren has had secrets sent on bananas, coconuts, and shoes, among other items. He has also received secrets in code, images, and symbols. Find a way to both honor your experience of keeping the secret and of releasing it if you’re able. Depending on how you feel, perhaps consider submitting your postcard to PostSecret – there are no guarantees it will be shown on the website, but who knows? Keep in mind if submitting it is not something want to do, that’s fine too. Try to find some way to release the energy the secret held, though – you may want to burn it, destroy it in another way, or depending on what it is, perhaps celebrate it.
“Sticks and Stones”: The Power of the Words We Use
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” – Childhood rhyme
Do you remember being a child and hearing that rhyme? I grew up hearing that and always thought it was wrong. Words can hurt and leave scars that can last a lifetime. Ironically, physical injuries in some cases heal faster than the emotional and psychological wounds left from bullying, name-calling, taunting, and verbal abuse. Most of us have a strong internal radar that recognizes painful words as harmful when we hear them, whether aimed at us by others, at other individuals, or at groups that are stigmatized and discriminated against. These words don’t always take the form of name-calling; they can be more subtle when they reference harmful stereotypes or generalizations, negative or highly judgmental appraisals, mean-spirited satire or sarcasm, or gaslighting. (Gaslighting is a process where one person attempts to make another person feel crazy or wrong by attempting to control their perception of reality or their experiences. In doing so, the person who is doing the gaslighting asserts dominance and the person being gaslighted doubts their ability to accurately judge reality or situations.) A common example of these processes is seen when someone makes a hurtful comment and when called out says, “I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?”
It’s hard enough when it’s coming from someone else, but we also do this to ourselves. In fact, when I work with cognitive restructuring and identifying cognitive distortions, I ask about self-talk. As harsh as we can be with others, we can be even more so with ourselves. We say things like, “I know this is silly, but…” or “I’m such an idiot…” Words like never, always, everyone, no one, total, complete, etc. amplify our emotions. So do thoughts like, “I just know she hates me,” or “this will never end.” These thoughts are known by many names including “irrational thinking,” “cognitive distortions,” “stinkin’ thinkin’,” or “error thoughts.” When they are tied up with our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us, they become ingrained in our psyches. Marsha Linehan (1993, 2014a, 2014b) refers to them as “myths” and I find this characterization helpful. A “myth” is a story told to explain something that seems unexplainable, and many of these beliefs form when we’re too young to develop our own explanations and ideas of who we are in relation to others and the world. They become powerful stories we repeat to ourselves over and over, until they eventually feel true – to the point where we don’t even question whether they are valid. (For more information on cognitive distortions, see “15 Cognitive Distortions to Blame for Negative Thinking, on PsychCentral: https://psychcentral.com/lib/cognitive-distortions-negative-thinking.)
In helping people develop healthier and kinder ways of thinking or talking about themselves, we go through a basic, four-step process. I challenge them to first identify the distortions they think they use the most, out of a list of common cognitive distortions. However, we don’t think in categories. So, we then look at and identify some common but negative statements from another list; most people can find at least one or two that they have thought before. As part of this step, we discuss how reading these statements or saying them to themselves feels. Again, most people recognize a noticeable (even if small) negative change to mood or energy. The third and fourth steps tend to be the hardest; we work to develop realistic and more positive statements (known as “challenges” or “coping statements”). This step tends to be very difficult for those who have been in the habit of putting themselves down or calling themselves names, as the habit has likely taken on a veneer of truth by this point. I provide lists of ways to challenge these negative thought patterns, and I ask the person if the identified thought is something they would say to their best friend, if that friend was in distress or pain. Nearly always, they say no; I then ask why it’s ok to say it to themselves. I point out that we almost never treat others the way we treat ourselves, and that it’s important to speak to ourselves the way we would speak to someone for whom we care deeply.
The last step in the process is to consciously and actively practice challenging the negative/distorted thoughts that arise. Life constantly provides us opportunities to practice. However, here is where I encounter a real block. We tend to think this should come naturally, and it doesn’t. I suspect it’s partly because we live a culture that actively discourages us from speaking of our strengths and partly because we’re surrounded by others who do the same thing we are doing. I sometimes find myself saying that having healthy self-esteem in our culture is a radical act of rebellion, as there are billion-dollar industries designed to make us feel “less than” or insecure so they can sell their products (like the dieting industry, makeup/cosmetics businesses, clothing companies). Having healthy self-worth does not make money for them.
The challenge for this exercise is to start by identifying the types of distortions you tend to use. The article from PsychCentral is a good place to start; I’d recommend reading it and noting the distortions you use the most. Keep in mind, we all do this to some extent, and it’s a human thing – basically a mental shortcut that has gotten a little too powerful. Next, identify or list negative or distorted thoughts that tend to amplify negative emotions or moods. I’ll include the worksheet I give my clients at the end of this section, as it’s a good place to start. Third, develop some challenges to these negative thoughts; if you have trouble, ask yourself, “What would I tell my best friend (or my parent, or child) if they were really upset and said that same thing out loud?” Write down the challenge – doing so is important, because the more ways you can work with something, the more likely it is to stick in your memory. Last, practice your challenges on a regular basis. Try to catch yourself when you make judgmental or negative statements (either out loud or internally) and immediately follow it up with a healthier challenge. This process will probably feel awkward at first; we’re not used to either challenging our negative thoughts or saying positive things about ourselves. This is a normal part of the process – if we believed the challenges, we wouldn’t have trouble with them! Keep practicing and don’t give up. Journal around what it felt like to notice and say the negatives as well as notice and say the positives. (The worksheets can be found on the Resources page, under "DT_Myths_and_Challenges.pdf". You can follow the link in the "Resources Page" button below to access them)
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” – Childhood rhyme
Do you remember being a child and hearing that rhyme? I grew up hearing that and always thought it was wrong. Words can hurt and leave scars that can last a lifetime. Ironically, physical injuries in some cases heal faster than the emotional and psychological wounds left from bullying, name-calling, taunting, and verbal abuse. Most of us have a strong internal radar that recognizes painful words as harmful when we hear them, whether aimed at us by others, at other individuals, or at groups that are stigmatized and discriminated against. These words don’t always take the form of name-calling; they can be more subtle when they reference harmful stereotypes or generalizations, negative or highly judgmental appraisals, mean-spirited satire or sarcasm, or gaslighting. (Gaslighting is a process where one person attempts to make another person feel crazy or wrong by attempting to control their perception of reality or their experiences. In doing so, the person who is doing the gaslighting asserts dominance and the person being gaslighted doubts their ability to accurately judge reality or situations.) A common example of these processes is seen when someone makes a hurtful comment and when called out says, “I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?”
It’s hard enough when it’s coming from someone else, but we also do this to ourselves. In fact, when I work with cognitive restructuring and identifying cognitive distortions, I ask about self-talk. As harsh as we can be with others, we can be even more so with ourselves. We say things like, “I know this is silly, but…” or “I’m such an idiot…” Words like never, always, everyone, no one, total, complete, etc. amplify our emotions. So do thoughts like, “I just know she hates me,” or “this will never end.” These thoughts are known by many names including “irrational thinking,” “cognitive distortions,” “stinkin’ thinkin’,” or “error thoughts.” When they are tied up with our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us, they become ingrained in our psyches. Marsha Linehan (1993, 2014a, 2014b) refers to them as “myths” and I find this characterization helpful. A “myth” is a story told to explain something that seems unexplainable, and many of these beliefs form when we’re too young to develop our own explanations and ideas of who we are in relation to others and the world. They become powerful stories we repeat to ourselves over and over, until they eventually feel true – to the point where we don’t even question whether they are valid. (For more information on cognitive distortions, see “15 Cognitive Distortions to Blame for Negative Thinking, on PsychCentral: https://psychcentral.com/lib/cognitive-distortions-negative-thinking.)
In helping people develop healthier and kinder ways of thinking or talking about themselves, we go through a basic, four-step process. I challenge them to first identify the distortions they think they use the most, out of a list of common cognitive distortions. However, we don’t think in categories. So, we then look at and identify some common but negative statements from another list; most people can find at least one or two that they have thought before. As part of this step, we discuss how reading these statements or saying them to themselves feels. Again, most people recognize a noticeable (even if small) negative change to mood or energy. The third and fourth steps tend to be the hardest; we work to develop realistic and more positive statements (known as “challenges” or “coping statements”). This step tends to be very difficult for those who have been in the habit of putting themselves down or calling themselves names, as the habit has likely taken on a veneer of truth by this point. I provide lists of ways to challenge these negative thought patterns, and I ask the person if the identified thought is something they would say to their best friend, if that friend was in distress or pain. Nearly always, they say no; I then ask why it’s ok to say it to themselves. I point out that we almost never treat others the way we treat ourselves, and that it’s important to speak to ourselves the way we would speak to someone for whom we care deeply.
The last step in the process is to consciously and actively practice challenging the negative/distorted thoughts that arise. Life constantly provides us opportunities to practice. However, here is where I encounter a real block. We tend to think this should come naturally, and it doesn’t. I suspect it’s partly because we live a culture that actively discourages us from speaking of our strengths and partly because we’re surrounded by others who do the same thing we are doing. I sometimes find myself saying that having healthy self-esteem in our culture is a radical act of rebellion, as there are billion-dollar industries designed to make us feel “less than” or insecure so they can sell their products (like the dieting industry, makeup/cosmetics businesses, clothing companies). Having healthy self-worth does not make money for them.
The challenge for this exercise is to start by identifying the types of distortions you tend to use. The article from PsychCentral is a good place to start; I’d recommend reading it and noting the distortions you use the most. Keep in mind, we all do this to some extent, and it’s a human thing – basically a mental shortcut that has gotten a little too powerful. Next, identify or list negative or distorted thoughts that tend to amplify negative emotions or moods. I’ll include the worksheet I give my clients at the end of this section, as it’s a good place to start. Third, develop some challenges to these negative thoughts; if you have trouble, ask yourself, “What would I tell my best friend (or my parent, or child) if they were really upset and said that same thing out loud?” Write down the challenge – doing so is important, because the more ways you can work with something, the more likely it is to stick in your memory. Last, practice your challenges on a regular basis. Try to catch yourself when you make judgmental or negative statements (either out loud or internally) and immediately follow it up with a healthier challenge. This process will probably feel awkward at first; we’re not used to either challenging our negative thoughts or saying positive things about ourselves. This is a normal part of the process – if we believed the challenges, we wouldn’t have trouble with them! Keep practicing and don’t give up. Journal around what it felt like to notice and say the negatives as well as notice and say the positives. (The worksheets can be found on the Resources page, under "DT_Myths_and_Challenges.pdf". You can follow the link in the "Resources Page" button below to access them)
What is Happiness?
Merriam-Webster Dictionary online defines happiness as:
1a: a state of well-being and contentment: JOY
b: a pleasurable or satisfying experience, as in: I wish you every happiness in
life. I had the happiness of seeing you— W. S. Gilbert
2: FELICITY, APTNESS: A striking happiness of expression
(Merriam-Webster Dictionary, 2022)
When I work with people in counseling, a common theme is wanting to be happy. And honestly, most of us want that as well. I’ve noticed over the years, though, that there seems to be a misconception about what “being happy” means. We want to be happy, and we want it to be an ongoing state of being – once there, we want to stay there. However, we humans also have what is called a “negative bias,” meaning that negative events, emotions, and thoughts tend to stay with us longer than do positives. There is an adage in couples’ therapy that for every negative that comes up, a couple needs roughly 5 positives to bring it back into balance; in my experience, that ratio seems true for many individuals as well. We tend to remember the negative things longer, focus more intensely on the negative things that happen, and overall take a more pessimistic view of life based on those negative factors. People dealing with depression experience it even more intensely and it can seem nearly impossible to even think of positives, much less try to balance the scale. When you combine the tendency toward negative bias with a relatively unrealistic standard of believing we should be happy all or most of the time, you end up with a recipe for unhappiness.
So, what does it mean to be happy? Happiness is a feeling of well-being, and does encompass satisfying or pleasurable experiences, but it isn’t an ongoing, never-ending state of being. I tend to think of happiness being more like beads on a string. Each bead represents a happy moment, thought, or experience, and they are strung together but remain separate from each other. Sometimes, there is space between the beads of empty string, and sometimes there are beads or spacers in there that we don’t like. The trick to “being happy” involves recognizing and appreciating the positive experiences and fully enjoying them while they last. Immersing yourself in the experience and allowing yourself to fully feel and savor it creates not just happiness in the moment, but memories of that happiness that you can recall and enjoy later. In DBT, at least one of the skills involves building positives in order to reduce vulnerability to negative emotional states; the “A” in ABC PLEASE stands for accumulating positives (Linehan, 2014a and 2014b). Accumulating positives (involving the creation of positive experiences, savoring them while engaged, and being unmindful of when the experience will end) is important, because it helps us create positive memories and an “emotional piggy bank” that we can draw on when feeling strong, negative emotions. Accumulating positives involves creating short-term experiences that you can savor as well as long-term positives created by living according to your values.
This prompt is a little different than most of the prompts because it’s more of a project than a journaling prompt, although you can do it in a journal if you wish. It’s one of my favorite “homework assignments” for my clients, and it’s called the “positivity jar” or “positives jar.” First, you get slips of paper or index cards and write down as many positive memories as you can. They can be about anything, but each item goes on a separate card. Next, think about favorite or inspiring quotes or sayings. Another area would be soothing, pleasurable, or fun sensory experiences (first bite of a freshly picked apple in fall, anyone?). Gratitudes, spiritual inspiration, things you like to do – if it’s positive or a positive memory or experience, it’s fair game. Next, put all the slips in a jar, box, basket, or container. Keep adding to it as you think of things or as things that qualify happen. You don’t have to limit yourself to written items, either – small objects or pictures that are reminders can also go in.
This prompt does a few things that are important to recognizing happiness. First, it gets you thinking about things that have already happened that created those moments of happiness we talked about earlier. Second, it helps you savor the ones that have already passed – you can do this with a friend or loved one, if you want, as that can make it even more meaningful. Third, it starts creating a pathway in your brain to help you look for and recognize these moments when they are happening, so you can savor them and enjoy them even more.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary online defines happiness as:
1a: a state of well-being and contentment: JOY
b: a pleasurable or satisfying experience, as in: I wish you every happiness in
life. I had the happiness of seeing you— W. S. Gilbert
2: FELICITY, APTNESS: A striking happiness of expression
(Merriam-Webster Dictionary, 2022)
When I work with people in counseling, a common theme is wanting to be happy. And honestly, most of us want that as well. I’ve noticed over the years, though, that there seems to be a misconception about what “being happy” means. We want to be happy, and we want it to be an ongoing state of being – once there, we want to stay there. However, we humans also have what is called a “negative bias,” meaning that negative events, emotions, and thoughts tend to stay with us longer than do positives. There is an adage in couples’ therapy that for every negative that comes up, a couple needs roughly 5 positives to bring it back into balance; in my experience, that ratio seems true for many individuals as well. We tend to remember the negative things longer, focus more intensely on the negative things that happen, and overall take a more pessimistic view of life based on those negative factors. People dealing with depression experience it even more intensely and it can seem nearly impossible to even think of positives, much less try to balance the scale. When you combine the tendency toward negative bias with a relatively unrealistic standard of believing we should be happy all or most of the time, you end up with a recipe for unhappiness.
So, what does it mean to be happy? Happiness is a feeling of well-being, and does encompass satisfying or pleasurable experiences, but it isn’t an ongoing, never-ending state of being. I tend to think of happiness being more like beads on a string. Each bead represents a happy moment, thought, or experience, and they are strung together but remain separate from each other. Sometimes, there is space between the beads of empty string, and sometimes there are beads or spacers in there that we don’t like. The trick to “being happy” involves recognizing and appreciating the positive experiences and fully enjoying them while they last. Immersing yourself in the experience and allowing yourself to fully feel and savor it creates not just happiness in the moment, but memories of that happiness that you can recall and enjoy later. In DBT, at least one of the skills involves building positives in order to reduce vulnerability to negative emotional states; the “A” in ABC PLEASE stands for accumulating positives (Linehan, 2014a and 2014b). Accumulating positives (involving the creation of positive experiences, savoring them while engaged, and being unmindful of when the experience will end) is important, because it helps us create positive memories and an “emotional piggy bank” that we can draw on when feeling strong, negative emotions. Accumulating positives involves creating short-term experiences that you can savor as well as long-term positives created by living according to your values.
This prompt is a little different than most of the prompts because it’s more of a project than a journaling prompt, although you can do it in a journal if you wish. It’s one of my favorite “homework assignments” for my clients, and it’s called the “positivity jar” or “positives jar.” First, you get slips of paper or index cards and write down as many positive memories as you can. They can be about anything, but each item goes on a separate card. Next, think about favorite or inspiring quotes or sayings. Another area would be soothing, pleasurable, or fun sensory experiences (first bite of a freshly picked apple in fall, anyone?). Gratitudes, spiritual inspiration, things you like to do – if it’s positive or a positive memory or experience, it’s fair game. Next, put all the slips in a jar, box, basket, or container. Keep adding to it as you think of things or as things that qualify happen. You don’t have to limit yourself to written items, either – small objects or pictures that are reminders can also go in.
This prompt does a few things that are important to recognizing happiness. First, it gets you thinking about things that have already happened that created those moments of happiness we talked about earlier. Second, it helps you savor the ones that have already passed – you can do this with a friend or loved one, if you want, as that can make it even more meaningful. Third, it starts creating a pathway in your brain to help you look for and recognize these moments when they are happening, so you can savor them and enjoy them even more.
Being Wild
“You were once wild here. Don’t let them tame you.” –Isadora Duncan (Duncan, 1981)
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild, precious life?” –Mary Oliver (Oliver, 1992)
We were born wild. As we grew, we were shaped into ‘proper’ people by our parents, our teachers, our peers, and society at large – we learned the spoken and unspoken rules of what was acceptable and what was not. We learn to sit still, be quiet, do what we’re told, and walk (not run.) We learned “indoor voices” and to pay attention in class, even when bored out of our minds. We learned the things that our cultures deemed important as well as important facts and information about the world around us, and we learned how to communicate our knowledge through writing essays and papers, taking tests and quizzes, and presenting to others. These are not necessarily bad – we need to know how to get along and thrive in our cultures. However, there is a dialectical dilemma (a situation with opposites that are both true) here: We need to learn these things AND we need to remember our deep, natural, wild nature. We learn to suppress it to survive and/or thrive in our environments, but we also risk losing something fundamental in ourselves if we neglect our wild side. We need to cut loose and let it out occasionally (even if in safe and culturally acceptable ways).
The goal for this section is to explore how you’ve been tamed and how you are or can regain your “inner wild child.” At least in part, our wild sides are what makes us unique – and my wild is different from your wild! Spend some time in your journal or with your expressive art or writing and explore how the wild in you has been tamed over the years. Think about the multiple forces in your life that have led to you becoming the person you are – both tame and wild. Then spend some time exploring your “wild side” – what does it look like? Feel like? What would you do differently (if anything) if you were going to integrate more of that side of you into your life? If you feel up to it, start planning to do just that – and let yourself honor and respect that wild part of you that lives inside.
“You were once wild here. Don’t let them tame you.” –Isadora Duncan (Duncan, 1981)
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild, precious life?” –Mary Oliver (Oliver, 1992)
We were born wild. As we grew, we were shaped into ‘proper’ people by our parents, our teachers, our peers, and society at large – we learned the spoken and unspoken rules of what was acceptable and what was not. We learn to sit still, be quiet, do what we’re told, and walk (not run.) We learned “indoor voices” and to pay attention in class, even when bored out of our minds. We learned the things that our cultures deemed important as well as important facts and information about the world around us, and we learned how to communicate our knowledge through writing essays and papers, taking tests and quizzes, and presenting to others. These are not necessarily bad – we need to know how to get along and thrive in our cultures. However, there is a dialectical dilemma (a situation with opposites that are both true) here: We need to learn these things AND we need to remember our deep, natural, wild nature. We learn to suppress it to survive and/or thrive in our environments, but we also risk losing something fundamental in ourselves if we neglect our wild side. We need to cut loose and let it out occasionally (even if in safe and culturally acceptable ways).
The goal for this section is to explore how you’ve been tamed and how you are or can regain your “inner wild child.” At least in part, our wild sides are what makes us unique – and my wild is different from your wild! Spend some time in your journal or with your expressive art or writing and explore how the wild in you has been tamed over the years. Think about the multiple forces in your life that have led to you becoming the person you are – both tame and wild. Then spend some time exploring your “wild side” – what does it look like? Feel like? What would you do differently (if anything) if you were going to integrate more of that side of you into your life? If you feel up to it, start planning to do just that – and let yourself honor and respect that wild part of you that lives inside.
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