Category: Affirmation

Why Work With a Life Coach?

7/21/2014

If you go into a bookstore, or on a e-commerce site that sells books, you'll notice that the self-help section is huge. Really HUGE. It seems like we want to improve so many areas of our lives - our size and appearance, our love life, our business and work lives, our mental health, and so many others. There are self-improvement programs you can buy online, and the books are full of ideas that you can use and apply to help improve your life. However, when we buy these programs or try these techniques, many times they don't seem to work - why is that?

There are a few reasons that might explain this. One factor is that our time and energy is limited. We get caught up in work and work issues, daily hassles like cooking and paying bills, family responsibilities... If you think about it, you'll find there are many, many reasons that we don't accomplish all the self-help and self-enhancement programs we purchase. All of these activities take time, and they take energy. When we do have a few minutes for leisure, many times we want to do something else. It's understandable - if something feels like too much work, we tend to avoid doing it.

Another factor might be lack of support. We know that when people have support, they're more likely to make changes and they're more likely to stick to them. Beginning an exercise program is a great example: You're way more likely to keep moving and exercising when you have someone there with you. They support you, and to some extent, keep you accountable. Your coach is there to mentor you and to cheer you along as you creat the life you want to have.

Accountability is the third factor I want to mention. I'm not thinking about accountability in a pressurized "have to" sense. Rather, I am suggesting that having another person to work with who knows your goals, your struggles, and your strengths can be an amazing support for you as you work to reach those goals and change your life!

I love the word "coach" - it has such a positive connotation. Coaches share their knowledge with you, support you as you challenge yourself to reach goals (and challenge you themselves by nudging you toward your goals), and celebrate progress and life changes as they happen. It's a life-affirming, positive, and healthy profession.

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Depression - Dealing with and Taming the Beast Within

7/14/2014

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I think I mentioned this story in another post, but I'll tell it here again because I really like the analogy. This was written by a teenage girl who had been dealing with chronic depression. She wrote that it starts with having a bad day. Everyone has bad days, though, right? You don't think about it too much, and go on living your life. Ok, so you have a few more bad days mixed in here and there, but again - everyone has bad days, so it's nothing to really worry about...Then you realize that you're having more bad days than not, but you don't want to think about it because it might jinx you and bring on more bad days - everyone knows that if you let it get to you, then it gets worse, right? So...finally you realize that the bad days are winning - you feel awful, life doesn't seem to have a whole lot of purpose and the future looks bleak. You realize that the beast has caught up with you again, and that you're depressed.

Depression feels like a heavy weight, a wet blanket, and day upon day of lousy weather all rolled into one. AND, it's more than that. To use the example of an antidepressant commercial, depression hurts in a lot of ways - physically, emotionally, mentally, and interpersonally. You feel rotten, it's hard to think clearly and/or move, life sucks and nobody around you seems to understand or care, or care enough. You feel like things will never change or get better. It's bleak.

I'm not going to lie and say there's an easy way out - there isn't. Honestly, what I've found works the best is a combination of medication and psychotherapy, and I'll tell you why. From what I've seen, it's like fixing a house with a cracked foundation. Having the foundation cracked doesn't mean that the house is broken or useless - far from it. It means that some repair work needs to be done, and that the house can be and is worthy of saving.

So...to begin the repairs, you first have to shore up the house, right? Using medications is like shoring up the foundation - it helps get the biological, chemical piece working again so you can get at the root cause and work on that. That's where psychotherapy comes in. Even if there is no deep, dark past to examine, therapy can help you figure out what triggers depression for you, how to recognize it and the warning signs, how to cope when it hits, and how to let other people know how to help you. Therapy also gives you a chance to really let loose and talk about what it's like to feel and deal with depression - with someone who's not going to judge you, tell you to "pull yourself out of it," or try to fix your problems for you. It will give you someone to talk to, who's got some training in how to deal with it, and can help you develop and practice skills for dealing with it.

Now, that said, I realize that for some people depression is more biochemical than anything else - therapy can help you too, though - in the ways I mentioned above. If you do happen to have things in your past that are affecting your mood, therapy will almost certainly help you with that - but you don't have to have had trauma, abuse, or other painful past experiences in order to benefit from therapy.

Ok, before I start sounding too much like an informercial...what can you do on your own? As trite as it sounds, I usually recommend that people start at the beginning. Accept the reality that you're dealing with depression. For some people, that alone is a huge step - there is still stigma out there about "mental illness" and many people don't understand what depression is, or how it affects you. So, accept reality and then realize you have a choice in how you're going to deal with it. (Yeah, I'm taking a page from my DBT training - radical acceptance again!)

Dealing with depression takes a LOT of energy. Depression is a condition that saps your strength - emotionally and physically. It feels sometimes like you're trying to slog through thick, sticky mud and is every bit as exhausting. You can choose, though, whether you're going to stay in it or not, and there are consequences either way.

Choosing to try to move out of it means choosing that you're going to move, even if it's just a little bit. It's a form of opposite action. It may mean something as simple as getting up and taking a shower, or making yourself go outside for a few minutes.I tell the people I work with that I don't underestimate how much of an accomplishment getting out of bed is. It might be the only major movement someone has made in days or weeks. Moving may mean more - calling a friend, a doctor, or someone you trust and asking for help (and believe me, I know that's HUGE.) Either way - if you're going to choose to deal with it, it means YOU have to do something. And, as I always say (and mean), seeking help really is a sign of strength, and not a weakness in any way, shape, or form. Moving - and then moving consistently are important parts of this process.

If you choose not to deal with it, then you have to be willing to take those consequences - it may mean that someone else has to make decisions for you, if you're not able to do so. It may mean giving up some control so that someone can get help for you...it may even mean hospitalization for some.

One thing I want to make crystal clear here is that I don't think that being hospitalized is shameful. In fact, I believe that it's helpful, and that getting well and being able to function is the goal - and I realize that there are many of you who disagree with me, and I respect your right to do so. After all - I'm not walking in your shoes. However, if you're not able to or are unwilling to make decisions for your care - or if you're self-harming or threatening to self-harm, hospitalization is a possible outcome for your safety and well-being.

The point of all this is that I'm assuming you don't want to deal with feeling depressed. You can't control what's coded in your genes, but you can choose how you're going to deal with it. And I'm not saying that positive thinking, affirmations, etc. are going to magically pull you out of it. These may help, but depression is a lot more complicated than just negative thinking. You can choose to shore up your foundation with meds, or you can choose not to. You can choose to use therapy, or not. You can choose a combination of the two - the point is, you have a choice.

When you're in the throes of a major depression, it may not feel like you have any choices, or that no matter what you do it's not going to work. This is where you have to use your active trust - your emotions are not necessarily giving you the best information, and you may have to let your head overrule your heart on this one. Get help if you need it, and help yourself. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, any more than kidney disease or diabetes is. It's a treatable condition, and there is hope.

Does getting help mean it's going away for good? For some people, maybe...for others it means that the beast is pushed away again for a while, but will keep following you. For you...well, learning about your triggers, symptoms, etc will help you. Learning this stuff also helps you feel more in control and stronger - nice side effect, huh? One great program, developed by a lady who both does therapy and has bipolar disorder is called the "WRAP program."

WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) is a system that helps you recognize your triggers and symptoms, and put into place a plan to help yourself feel better. If that plan doesn't work, WRAP also helps you develop a plan that tells who you want involved in your care, how you want to be treated, and who can make decisions for you. It's a great system, and Mary Ellen Copeland (the creator) has some great articles on her website: www.mentalhealthrecovery.com. The purpose of WRAP? "Getting well and staying well." Copeland is also the author of several wonderful self-help books/workbooks for coping with depression and manic-depression - her work is widely respected and used. (I highly recommend her books both to clients and non-clients.)

So, bottom line is that even if it feels like there is nothing you can do or that nothing you do works or has an effect, there ARE things that will help. Talking to a therapist (heck, talking to someone you trust, period!), working with medications, using some great self-help resources, and your own strength all help. (And yes, you ARE strong - it takes a lot of energy to deal with this!) Cognitive behavioral therapy is one route that seems to help a lot of people - Copeland's books actually use a lot of CBT-style work. DBT skills help too - trying them won't hurt, and you have a lot to possibly gain.

Just remember - you're not alone, even if it may feel that way. There are many, many people who are dealing with and have dealt with depression. I have tremendous respect and admiration for those of you dealing with this, whatever the root cause may be. It takes a lot of energy and strength, and pulling yourself out takes even more. You're not alone - really.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, or are thinking about hurting yourself, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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Loneliness: When the World Seems to Go On Without You

7/14/2014

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Loneliness is something we've all probably experienced at one time or another, and quite frankly it sucks. In my experience, feeling lonely is one of the most intensely uncomfortable, depressing, and isolating feelings that exists. When you're feeling lonely, it seems that the world is going on around you, and that you're invisible or worse, that no one cares.

I mark a difference between loneliness and solitude. Solitude is when YOU want be be alone - it's a very different thing from wanting to be around others but not being able to. There are many reasons for loneliness, among them shyness or social anxiety, or depression and/or thinking that no one wants to be around you (Remember the "stinkin' thinking"? This is an example).

Feeling lost in the crowed or different from everyone around you is a factor. Loneliness can come up in different situations - when you're single among couples, childless among families, ill or emotionally traumatized around people who seem healthier than you, a member of a minority group surrounded by the majority...there are any number of situations which may trigger loneliness.

There are no easy answers for changing loneliness - this is one of those situations where, if I did have a magic wand, it would be useless. (And trust me, I wish I did have one.) The basic reason there are no easy answers is because the causes are so varied. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps with some causes like social anxiety, depressive thinking, or dealing with "Shoulds" or "Stinkin' Thinking". Ok...well, that's fine and dandy. I change my thinking and I just feel better, like that?

Uh, well...not really. I wish it was that simple. CBT will help you work with your thought patterns AND with the behaviors that get in your way. This is where the "homework" stuff comes in again. If you want to counter loneliness stemming out of anxiety or depression...guess what? You have to interact with people. Typical homework assignments in this realm might be something like, "Talk to five people about a current news topic" or "Compliment 3 people sincerely." The idea here is to get you out and getting experiences that contradict your fears.

And also - loneliness is a feeling. I know...some of you are saying, "Well, DUH!" Here's the thing though - you can use your skills to deal with feelings that are overwhelming. Call it "riding the wave," DBT, Coping, Self-Care, Self-Soothing - whatever. The idea is you use the skills you've got and have learned to help yourself feel better. "Emotion Regulation" and "Distress Tolerance" have these names for a reason!

Ok, so CBT and DBT help. What if you're stuck in a situation where you really DO "stick out like a sore thumb"? Those are a little harder, to be honest. Your differences will likely be harder to hide, and it may feel as if the situation around you is moving on and leaving you behind, or worse, ignored. I can't tell you what to do in these situations, but I can share what's helped me.

First of all... if I seem to be in a completely different, alien, strange, unsual environment or group, I look around and see if there's someone else who seems something like me. By this I mean, "Is there one other person here who looks uncomfortable - for whatever reason - like I do?" If so, then I gather up my assertiveness and interpersonal effectiveness skills and introduce myself. I'll ask an open question like, "What do you think of all this?" and then LISTEN. Nine times out of ten, this helps.

Err...what about the 10th time? When the person just kind of looks at me as if I'm an alien from another planet, or as if I've just spilled spinach juice and red wine down the front of my shirt? Well..I politely say, "It was nice to meet you," and then move on to something else. At that point (and this may seem silly), I look for someone who has one thing in common with the way I look, or one thing about them that is intriguing to me - maybe it's wearing the same color, or a similar hairstyle, or style of outfit...maybe it's that the person is wearing some outrageously bright colors that I adore, or has eyes that seem to smile. SOMETHING I notice and can comment on.

Y'all are going to think that I'm a pain in the tushie with how I do things, but again, I go up and introduce myself, and say, "Those shoes are so cute! Would you mind telling me where you got them? I love those colors." Or I might say, "You know, I don't know many people here...and honestly, you look like someone I might be able to chat with. I'm Laura. What's your name?"

Here's the thing - fundamentally I am a VERY shy person. (You'd never guess it watching me now, but I swear - it's true.) It took me years of practice and yes, therapy to get over it. During this process I learned, though, that most people are generally nice. I also learned that if I say something completely stupid, or fumble for words, saying, "I feel a little awkward - I'm worried I look like a fool" and then laughing, most of the time people will laugh with me. Do they laught AT me? I'm sure some people do. I know for a fact when I was younger, people did.

And the sad fact is that there are some people who are judgmental and mean. Appearance seems to be a particularly favored target, and it sucks. People have judged me on my appearance, both when I was thin and now that I'm fat. And you know what? I survived. No matter what other people think of me, my sense of who I am is intact. It took YEARS to get here, and I'm not going to say that other people's perceptions don't matter - they certainly do. What matters the most, though, is what YOU do and what YOU think of yourself. I decided that I would try to like myself, no matter what anyone else thought. I don't know about everyone, but for me it was a choice and a conscious decision. And it took hard work.

When you have the sense that you are not just OK, but that you are a worthwhile, interesting, and caring person, loneliness has a harder time getting in. I won't lie - it sure does get in on occasion. But - I have a stronger sense that I can do something important, that I matter, and that I have gifts and talents to share. That goes a long way in pushing loneliness out the door. Even if no one listens, or no one seems to care, I know I matter.

So, when I start feeling lonely...well, I do something to kick it on it's butt out the door. I'll go talk to someone, engage myself in something I enjoy, write, read, take a nap, go sit outside, pet my cat... you get the idea.

And you know what? You don't have to be lonely - I'll talk with you. Seriously. Send me an email message, and I'll get in touch. I know how hard it is to feel lonely, and I want you to know that you're not alone. Really.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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CBT: An Introduction to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

7/14/2014

Ok...I'll be the first to admit that I"m not perfect when it comes to having wonderful, positive, affirming thoughts about myself. One of the reasons I went into counseling psychology as a graduate student was because I wanted to learn everything I could about it, so that I could help myself. I have a LONG history of working on self-esteem issues, negative thinking patterns, and dealing with unnecessary guilt. The reasons don't matter at this point (to me anyway) but dealing with these issues does. I'm imagining that a lot of you are dealing with this too, so I'm going to share some tricks from the therapists' bag.

The cool thing is that you can find a lot of these and more help at your local bookstore. So, a lot of these "tricks" (everyday people-ese for techniques) come from a branch of therapy called "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" or CBT. CBT has a long history, most of which I'll avoid here except to throw out a couple of names when appropriate. The bottom line with CBT is that therapists with this orientation (and trust me, there are many) ascribe to the idea that our thoughts affect our behavior, and that if we work to change the way we're thinking, then our behavior will be easier to change and we'll feel better. The nice thing about CBT is that a lot of research has been done on it, and most of the research is very positive - it's something that generally works, if done long enough and well enough.

Here's the problem though - a lot of people think that since it seems to be based in common sense, it should be easy and quick. Creating change using CBT isn't a "quick fix" - in fact it takes a lot of commitment and practice to get to where you want to be. If you're really looking for change, though, it's likely that you're feeling lousy to start with and will do what it takes to feel better. And CBT generally helps.

The basics of CBT are grounded in the idea that what we think and how we think about and interpret the world around us affects how we behave. Cognitions are the things that go through our minds: thoughts, interpretations, judgments, hopes, dreams, expectations, reasonings, rationalizations, plants, motivations, doubts, images - pretty much anything that goes on in your conscious mind is a "cognition." (I use conscious mind deliberately here because CBT therapists generally don't work with the subconscious or unconscious mind - that's a more psychoanalytic approach.)

Here are a couple of examples of how these work:, "Geez, that driver is such an IDIOT! He cut me off! He saw me, and he cut me off anyway!" is a cognition that can be taken apart for analysis: the observation: "he cut me off,:, the interpretation: "he cut me off deliberately," the assumption:"he saw me," and the judgment:"what an idiot!" And another: "I can't do anything right. No one wants to be around me anymore because I'm such a failure. I absolutely nose-dived that interview, and I know I came across as stupid. I should have had a job 6 months ago, and I keep screwing it up. No wonder I can't find something." And here's the analysis: The observation: "I don't have a job," the interpretation: "I'm stupid," "I keep screwing up," the assumptions: ""no one wants to be around me," "I can't do anything right," the judgments: "I'm a failure," "I come across as stupid," and "I should have had a job 6 months ago." And this is just one way to take it apart!

On to the "nuts and bolts" - what do you do in CBT? Well, when you're working with a therapist, generally we're pretty empathetic people. We're not out to tell you, "Geez, get your act together...honestly!" Frankly, if most therapists were judgmental, mean people we wouldn't have much worth, now would we? Generally, therapists will sympathize with you and check in with you to see if they're understanding you - a process we call "reflection." It works like this:

Client: I've been feeling really depressed lately. I just look at where my life is and I think I"m just a huge failure. I feel like the worst person in the world.
Therapist: I'm hearing a couple of things here...first is that you've been pretty down lately, is that right?
Client: Yeah, pretty much. I still don't have a job and I just can't seem to get out of this hole.
Therapist: So it seems like you've been pretty hard on yourself...I heard you say that you felt like the worst person in the world. That's pretty harsh. (therapist's interpretation of client's statements)

So, you can see that a therapist - of any orientation - is likely to be sympathetic. From there, where you go with your therapist depends a lot on their orientation, or what style of therapy they do. A CBT therapist will focus on the way you're thinking and how it affects you. The therapist will gently challenge you on negative thinking (or "stinking thinking" as we sometimes call it), and encourage you to think of other interpretations that aren't so negative in nature. Using our earlier example, this is how a CBT therapist might continue:

Therapist: I wonder where that idea that you're the worst person in the world came from? (exploration)
Client: Well, I can't seem to do anything right. Nothing seems to work out the way I want it to. I can't get a job, I can't do things right with my husband. Even my kids are mad at me.
Therapist: Wow...that's a lot of stress. (empathizing) You know, though...somehow I think there are people who are probably a lot closer to being "the worst person in the world" than you are...you know...maybe guys like Hitler? Somehow, I'm guessing that you're a little higher up than he is on that scale. What do you think? (gentle challenge, with a little humor)
Client: <laughing a little> Yeah, you're probably right on that one. I still feel pretty lousy about myself though.
Therapist: I know you've really had a tough time with the job stuff and what's going on at home. Is it possible that maybe it's not all because of you, though? What else could be going on? (reframing)
Client: Well...I guess the economy is probably making it harder to find jobs now. I still feel like I should have gotten something by now.
Therapist: <making time out signal> whoah...hang on there...time-out. Do you remember how we talked about "shoulds"? How they're like guilt-trips inside your head? I just heard you "shoulding" on yourself... (gentle confrontation)
Client: yeah...I guess I am pretty hard on myself.
Therapist: What would it be like to ease up a little? What would change? (challenge and exploration)

And so you see, that the therapist here is working with the client's pattern of thinking negatively about herself. We use gentle challenges, reframing things ("what else could cause this"), turning negative thoughts into positive thoughts, and give clients "homework" - thing to practice and use between sessions. It's actually a pretty cool system. If you've read my posts on DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), you'll recognize some of this. DBT is a specific form of CBT. Another cool thing is that you can find CBT-based self-help in a LOT of places. New Harbinger, a publisher of self-help materials, has a lot of self-help workbooks that have a CBT orientation for dealing with all kinds of issues: depression, anxiety, stress and relaxation, obsessive-complusive disorder (OCD, and I would recommend working with a therapist if you're dealing with this), PTSD, anger, and grief and sorrow. And I'm sure this is only a partial list!

The point is, CBT techniques are relatively easy to teach and learn - the tough part is putting it together, practicing them in real-life and actually continuing to use and practice them. This kind of therapy can help you learn a lot of things: coping skills, relationship skills, and all the nuts and bolts stuff we talked about: reframing, thought changing, challenging negative or all-or-nothing thinking, and a whole host of other things Next up: "Stinkin' Thinking" - how to work with negative thought patterns and some more tricks from the therapists' bag.

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help.

Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com to ask questions or get information.

Why Work With a Life Coach?

Depression - Dealing with and Taming the Beast Within

Loneliness: When the World Seems to Go On Without You

CBT: An Introduction to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Laura Burlingame-Lee:

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