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Feeling the Fear, and REALLY Doing It Anyway

3/31/2014

Ok...I figure it's time to show you that I practice what I preach - I'm not some smarmy little-know-it-all who stands here and pretends to know what other people should do with their lives. (Heck, I hardly know what to do with MINE!) In the spirit of helping you see how some of this stuff I've been writing about works, I'm going to tell you my story of today:

So, I'm expanding my private practice here in Fort Collins/Loveland CO...and I'm scared spitless. I'm looking at the costs, and realize that I BARELY will have enough to do this, even with cutting corners and paring things down to the bone. Before I know it, I start thinking of the "what ifs" and "I don't know how to's" and I start feeling paralyzed and helpless. I've spent a good part of the day like that, and finally decided that I'd had enough of sitting there feeling crappy.

So, I took my own advice and first, moved. Very simple...I went with my husband to the home/repair store to look for a bookshelf. VERY simple, right? But it got me out of my chair, off my but and doing something. It distracted me enough from the paralysis so that I could think.

When I got home, I continued to "move" - I told myself, do one thing. Just one, and it doesn't have to be anything huge or threatening. Just one small thing. So, I decided to work on my web page some more. Ok...it was something, and I felt like maybe I could do one more thing.

So, next on my list was looking at information for developing a business plan...THIS is something that for some reason sets off the alarm bells inside. I don't know why, but this is the part I'm most afraid of. SO..."feel the fear and do it anyway" as Susan Jeffers counsels. I also worked on some emotion regulation and distress tolerance as this was really hard for me. I went on the internet and looked at information - that wasn't so bad, so I did one more step...I thought about my SWOT material. (For those of you who are like me and don't have a clue as to what that means, this is what I found out: S=strengths, W=weaknesses, O=opportunities, and T=threats.)

Long story short, I got a LOT more done today than I ever expected. I used my skills, did just a LITTLE bit outside my comfort zone and I hope it's going to pay off. Doing something new, something you're not very good at, or something where there's a lot at stake is frightening. Facing that can be liberating and wonderful.

Usually in these situations, the things at stake are things that are very important to us - our social standing, our financial survival, our reputations - these are hard things to risk losing or damaging. And yet, sometimes to grow we have to do just that - risk it.

There is a plaque in my therapist's office that says, "Only those who risk going too far can possibly know how far they can go." (And yes, I see a therapist - it's good for the soul - and good for me professionally too ;> ) I love this quote - it gives me hope, because every time I go beyond my comfort zone, I feel like I'm going too far. I feel like I go too far when I even think of trying to run a business - it intimidates the heck out of me. This quote lets me know that it's not just ok, but that it's going to help me do better.

Fear is a really tough emotion to counter. It often hides under a lot of other emotions, like anger, insecurity, embarrassment, shyness, etc. Fear doesn't just stop us from doing what we want, or from living the life we deserve, it stops us from trying, from growing, and from being who we are - our authentic, beautiful selves.

So countering fear usually has to be done consciously. Being aware it's there is the first step - like I said earlier, fear likes to hide behind other feelings. Recognizing fear for what it is, and pulling it into the light takes away a lot of the power it has over us. This is where Mindfulness skills help - realize that fear is pulling you WAY over into emotional mind and that you can use your logical mind to find balance - the wise mind.

From there...MOVE. Do one, tiny, little, teensy-eensy thing that contradicts the fear. If you're afraid of flying, look up trips you'd like to go on and just LOOK at the flight schedules. If you're afraid of failing - do one thing you know you're good at, so you fight the fear with an accomplishment. (For me? NOBODY can "out organize" me! I am the queen of organization when I want to be!) The bottom line here is that you want to first DO something, and second do something that flies in the face of your fear. For me, it was facing the bewildering world of business planning. For you...it could be anything.

My next step in the fear parade is the IRS and tax stuff...I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but I am scared spitless of making a financial mistake and having the IRS on my tail. So... my movement is to first read the forms, make notes of what I don't understand, and research answers. It takes a while, but I feel more confident in my work.

I've found that there are always things to be afraid of. What sets us apart is that we can work to overcome our fears, and we can change our lives. We don't have to be ruled by what scares us. I'm not saying it's easy to do this - in fact, it's one of the hardest things you could ever do. AND it's worth it to live freely and authentically.

So...my battle against fear continues, and I hope that my baby steps will take me eventually to expanding my private practice. Where will yours take you?

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected] .

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Dealing with Emotional Paralysis (Long post)

3/31/2014

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When you're depressed, there are many things going on. I know...that's an understatement, but bear with me. People who are depressed show many symptoms in common, among them a depressed or sad mood that lasts for a prolonged period of time, lack of energy, difficulty concentrating, changes in appetite or sleep patterns, and a whole host of other little things that make it really tough to get out of bed in the morning, much less function well during the day.

Our brains are affected, our social interactions are affected, and our ability to sometimes even recognize depression is affected. I remember reading a passage once in a book written by a teenage girl, describing depression as a monster creeping up on you. First, you have a bad day - but everybody has a bad day once in a while, right? Well...ok, you have some more bad days, but again that happens to a lot of people - you're basically ok. Then, there are more and more bad days, but it's easy to push those away, because everybody DOES have bad times, right? Then...you realize that you're having bad days most of the time, and that you don't remember your good days. That's when you realize that you may be clinically depressed. The illustration that went along with the description showed a girl trying to walk away from a monster that was chained to her leg, a lot like a ball and chain. That's what chronic depression feels like - you may get a little further away from the chained beast, but it's always there, and you never know when it's going to catch up to you. Honestly...chronic depression stinks, and that's putting it mildly. (And if anyone knows the name of the book or the author of this analogy - let me know. I'd love to credit her AND get the book.)

Luckily, we have medications that help - but that's not what this post is about. In my opinion, one of the msot insidious symptoms of depression is the sense of paralysis that accompanies it. This sense of paralysis goes beyond the negative and depressed thinking like, "This is never going to end, and nothing will ever change." It goes beyond feeling unmotivated or unhappy. This type of paralysis is affected by all these things - and made worse by them - but is more a sense of not being able to have any ability whatsoever to even deal with these symptoms. It's the sense that not only will things not change, but there's not a damn thing you can do about it, because you don't know how, aren't able to muster up the energy to move, and/or are afraid that anything you do will backfire or end up not working. When I talk about emotional paralysis, I mean paralysis. It feels like you are stuck in your thinking and your doing. The thought of doing something seems impossible, and you may not even know why.

Ok, now that I've got everyone feeling lousy...(hopefully not) What do you do? Well, first - if this has gone on for a while, please see your doctor. Medications help, they are not addictive, and you won't get "high" on them - Clinical depression is as much biological and medical as it is psychological, and medications help with the biological aspect. Second, if you can - see a good therapist. (I know, I know...I'm biased and I say it all the time) A good therapist can help you be aware of your thought patterns and the things you do - and help you and support you as you climb out of the hole. Third - please know, you CAN climb out of the hole - it really is possible. Which brings me to my point - what can YOU do when you're dealing with this?

First of all - realize what's going on. I know I sound like a broken record, but being aware is huge. You can't work on a problem you don't see. If you wonder about experiencing this...ask yourself what it's going to hurt to try to feel better? It's a low risk pain for a potentially huge gain. So..work on awareness. You can do this by keeping track of your symptoms. The DBT diary card has one side devoted to mood tracking (see DBT Self-Help for a great example and printable version of the diary card: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/diary_card_1.html ) On the diary card, you track the intensity of things such how suicidal you felt/feel, how much of an urge to self-harm you felt, how intense your feelings of shame, fear, anger, and sadness were. Honestly, it's a rigorous system that requires a high level of self-honesty. You can also make your own mood charts - and add "Paralysis" as one of the categories - the point is, you want to make yourself aware of how often and how intensely you feel this.

The ironic thing is that by doing this, you are already counteracting the sense of paralysis. As I wrote in another post - one of the major things you can do to cope is move .It sounds simple, it sounds silly - and it works. Anything you do that doesn't hurt you or someone else will start to counteract the sense of paralysis. Moving can be physical - even getting out of bed in the morning can be an accomplishment and I'm not exaggerating or being sarcastic when I say that. Moving can also be psychological - consider a change in what you do, even if you don't do it right away. Even thinking of changing something changes the way you look at things.

The thing is, I know when you're stuck in this that even the idea of moving is exhausting. In DBT, we talk about something called dialectics (and please note, for the record that this is NOT the same as "dianetics" - not even close). A "dialectic" exists when you have two situations that seem to be opposites yet are both true. The dialectic here is that you're exhausted by even thinking of moving, yet by even thinking about it, you ARE moving. I know...it's a microstep - but it IS a step. Once you realize this (awareness, remember?) it's easier to move a little more.

Mindfulness also helps - don't get stuck in the emotional sapce ("emotion mind") or let yourself be numbed into pure logic ("reasonable mind") - find your "wise mind," balance and let yourself see things as they really are. When you're stuck in emotional paralysis, your "emotional mind" has hijacked the process and taken over. The Core Mindfulness skills in DBT can help you here. Work with your thinking patterns - recognize the negative patterns that come up and challenge them with more positive and/or realistic thoughts.

So, you're exhausted, numb, feeling hopeless and helpless...work with me here and try a little experiment. It's going to sound silly...but get up, walk to the kitchen or drinking fountain and get a drink of water. Seriously - do it. I'll wait.......

...........

...........Ok, you're back. How did that feel, just to do that? Nothing hard, probably something you'd need to do eventually anyway, right? Here's the thing - you MOVED. Now, I'm not going to claim that moving is going to erase all your worries, bring out the sun tomorrow, and make everything better. It will help YOU, though.

Ok - move. Check. What else? Well...when you're dealing with emotional paralysis, another thing that's likely to be there is fear. Fear of screwing up, fear of failing, fear of looking like or being a fool, fear of succeeding sometimes...sometimes it's just a nameless dark blob of fear that engulfs you. Fear is a powerful emotion. Counteracting fear takes a lot of hard work. I'm going to show you what a geek I was in high school - anyone ever read "Dune" by Frank Herbert? It's a classic in science fiction. Anyway, there is a passage where the main character is being tested with the threat of death if he does not endure excruciating pain (a metaphor for dealing with depression if I ever heard one). While he is being tested, he mentally recites something his mother taught him - the "Litany Against Fear":

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Fear is an emotion, like any other. It evolved as a way of protecting us and warning us of danger, and is one of our most intense and primitive emotions. There are many situations in which fear is appropriate, but I've found that in cases of depression, many times the fear (or the intensity of the fear) is overwhelming and harmful. I don't know if any of you remember the analogy of emotions being like a wave - but it works for fear too. As the litany says, it will pass over and through you and you will remain. Counteracting the fear you feel in emotional paralysis requires not only this awareness, but the willingness and mindfulness to let it pass. Fear is easy to hang on to - our "what ifs" are paralysing sometimes. AND, we can choose to let go, and let it wash over us. Visualing this helps, and so does doing something opposite to what the fear is telling us.

In behavioral psychology, one way we treat phobias (severe, specific fears) is by gradually exposing someone to the thing they're afraid of. (It's not as harsh as it sounds - really!) We do this in baby steps, until the person is able to deal with and even approach the thing they feared. Emotionally, we need to do the same thing. If you're afraid of failing...do something along the path on which you're afraid of failing. Here's an example from my life - my fear is that I'm going to be a failure as a psychologist (I can't afford the expenses of getting set up, I'm not going to get the hours for licensure, etc.) Honestly, it paralyzes me sometimes. My "homework" was to contact one person about possibly being willing to supervise me. Long-story short, she wrote back, we met and she's willing. It's a step on the path. I'm still afraid - but am willing to take another step. The thing here is, set yourself up with something where you have a pretty good to really good chance of succeeding. If I chose to start by going to the bank and asking for a $10,000 loan to start a business (with no plan or setup in place), I wouldn't stand much of a chance of succeeding. Pick something you can do - and will likely succeed at. Doing something will help, but succeeding will help more. My next step is researching insurance companies to see what they charge - no risk in checking it out, right? Again - baby steps and something that will help.

The last thing I want to mention is this (and these ideas are certainly NOT the only things you can do to counteract emotional paralysis): cope. Do everything and anything you can (that doesn't harm you or someone else) to hang on, even if for just another minute. The minute will pass. The emotion will pass eventually, too- the wave will wash over you and you will still be there. The problems may not have gone away, and you may have to do this many times and in many ways but you will be on the path to being able to get to where you want to be. Coping - all those things like DBT skills, self-care skills, coping techniques, moving - helps you. Coping can also be taking care of yourself - seeing your doctor, seeing a therapist, getting exercise and eating well, doing the best you can to rest well and sleep well (not too much or too little). Coping - bottom line - is doing what it takes to keep you here. Working on wellness is another step down the road, and we'll address that soon.

For right now, in this moment, in this place - right where you are, be aware and mindful of what you're feeling, move (even if it's a microstep), let the wave of emotion pass over and through you, and cope in the best way that you can without hurting yourself or others. As you work this process, you're likely to feel less paralyzed, and hopefully a little better.

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected].

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Anxiety, me... and all of us

3/31/2014

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As I work on expanding my business and "getting myself out there," I'm reminded again how much anxiety is a part of life. I know...some of you are saying, "Well, duh - of course it is!" The thing is, anxiety for most of us isn't a crippling thing. When I'm preparing to teach, or give a presentation, I get butterflies in my stomach. I may sweat a little, feel a little shaky - but basically I'm able to to pull it together and go on with the show. My anxiety is sometimes made worse by worrying about being judged, looking foolish, and feeling insecure. In the end, though, I'm able to do it
.
But what about those people who aren't able to do that? What's anxiety like when it takes over? It's paralyzing, in short. Anxiety can take over your life - whether around specific things like certain phobias, or around entire large chunks of your life like interacting with people (social phobia) or even going about your life in general. I've seen people wanting desperately to live normal lives, that aren't able to because of the fear that holds them back.

Anxiety, is in large part, fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the known, and sometimes both all rolled together. So what do you do when you feel paralyzed by worry, uncertainty and/or insecurity? Well, therapy tells us that the best treatment is to confront whatever it is that makes you anxious, but that's WAY easier said than done. And yet...it's a way out of the hell that anxiety boxes us into.

Years ago, I had a phobia of driving. I'd been in a few accidents in my teens and early twenties, and would not get behind the wheel of a car. I was certain that if I did, I would crash and hurt myself or someone else. I was afraid of the other drives, because I couldn't control what they did. Getting behind the wheel of the car provoked panic attacks: I felt like I couldn't breathe, I sweated and shook, and felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest.

Now, my ex-husband (another long story) got tired of having to drive everywhere, and he encouraged me (ok - told me flat out) that I had to get behind the wheel of the car. This was, to be honest, terrifying. At first, I opened the door, and just sat in the driver's seat. I couldn't even turn on the engine. I just sat there, and kept on sitting there until I could do it without the panic attack, and that took a few weeks. Next, I turned on the car. I didn't have to go anywhere, but I turned on the car. By this time, it wasn't taking as long to get comfortable, and by the end of the week, I was okay. Next came backing out and driving VERY slowly around the parking lots of our apartment complex. Again, this took time and I was completely panicked the first time I drove. I was out all of about 5 minutes because I couldn't stand it. Eventually, though, I was able to drive around the complex, and from there to easy, simple places. All in all, this took about 3-4 months.

The point I want to make with this story is that first, anxiety and phobias can be overcome. You have to be motivated and willing to do what it takes -which means confronting the fear. I never underestimate how hard this is to do. In fact, it can be terrifying. In therapy, we make up what we call a "hierarchy of fears" where you list the things that cause you panic from least panicky to completely and overwhelmingly terrifying. We start from the easy stuff and gradually work our way up to the tough stuff - just like I did with driving.

Second, it's important to know that you're not alone in dealing with these. People all over the planet - therapists included - have dealt with these fears and anxieties. Anxiety, worry, and fear can be overwhelming - for anyone. I can't tell you this often enough: You are not alone. I'll say it again: You are NOT alone in this. Please remember this - when it feels darkest and it doesn't feel like there is a way out of the anxiety, you really aren't alone and there is a way.

As Always:
Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, or are thinking about hurting yourself, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected]

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Feeling the Fear, and REALLY Doing It Anyway

Dealing with Emotional Paralysis (Long post)

Anxiety, me... and all of us

Laura Burlingame-Lee:

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