Category: Responding

It's the Little Things...

7/14/2014

Have you ever noticed how something small can be a "tipping point" that changes your day from "good" to "bad" in an instant? It can be a critical comment from someone at work, or a family member saying or doing something that makes you pause and think, "Wow...that was out of line." It can be something impersonal, like getting flipped off or cut off in traffic because someone else is in a hurry and not driving carefully...there are any number of things that can really mess up our day, and leave us feeling drained, irritated and/or angry, and feeling like everything's going downhill.

Frankly, it sucks. We've all been there, and know what it's like. I'm not going to lie and say I never get stuck in it. It's easy to let things add up and take over, and may feel like we're riding a wild, out-of-control, roller coaster. So, what do you do? Well...as usual, there are some answers and tips from the therapeutic couch that may help. These aren't necessarily the only things you can do, or "THE ULTIMATE COSMIC ANSWER" - rather, they're things you can try to help YOU feel better. Unfortunately, there's no magic wand to change the world around you, and we can't make your husband/kid/boss/coworker/"idiot on the road" change. That's just beyond our control. (In therapy I sometimes take a kid's pretend magic want, whap it on the table or chair and say, "See? It's broken - it doesn't work! NOW what do we do?")

Well...now what do we do? The first thing, in my experience, is to try and separate yourself from what's going on. You can't make your boss be nice, or make that person on the road or in the grocery store be polite and reasonable. You can't make your family members stop making comments about your appearance. However, you can set up some good boundaries and realize that you don't have to allow them to get you upset. I'll fully admit, though - some situations are easier to do this with than are others.

Easier said than done, isn't it? Trust me, I know - from tons of personal experience myself. And yet, it's important to know what's your stuff and what's their stuff. (Remember the definition of a boundary? It's where you end and I begin.) Eastern faith traditions call this compassionate detachment - you can look at what's going on and realize (or even say to yourself) that "this is what's going on for him or her. If I have something to apologize for, I can do it. But their anger or their irritation is NOT me."

It sounds a little weird, I'll admit. And it does take practice to become a habit. But if you think about it, it's incredibly freeing to realize that you're not responsible for someone else's anger, or even their feelings in general. Now, don't get me wrong - certainly what we say or do affects the way other people feel - this isn't a "get out of jail free" card to say or do whatever you want. In fact, our actions can be the tipping point for someone else - so it pays to watch what you say and do as well.

Anyway - realizing that you are separate from someone else's emotional reaction can help you deal with what's going on in a more rational "wise mind" kind of way. (If you don't know what "wise mind" is, see the post for DBT Skills, Part 1 )

So, knowing what's you and what isn't you helps. Another trick from the DBT bag is to try "opposite action" - this is where you do the exact opposite of what you want to do (part of the DBT Emotion Regulation skills). I know...it sounds hard, and it is. When you want to spit back a sarcastic response, you instead say something nice. "Thanks for your input. I hope you have a great day from here on." It might be the last thing in the world that you want to do - and it does help. You'll have to trust me on this one - but think of it this way - if nothing else, it confuses the heck out of the other person!

Another thing to do is just take a quick breathing break - practice distress tolerance skills (another DBT post: Distress Tolerance Skills) or relaxation and stress reduction skills: breathing, distracting yourself, self-soothing (a coffee or tea break can work wonders), a little bit of exercise (say a walk at lunch), or anything that helps you feel better (and doesn't harm anyone - including the person who ticked you off to start with ;p ). All these things can help. Finally - all the CBT stuff I talked about earlier will also help.

These may not completely turn around your day, but they can help you feel better. The key point is to remember that you don't have to let someone else's bad mood or bad day ruin yours. So...have a great day, and remember that someone out here is rooting for you!

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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CBT: An Introduction to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

7/14/2014

Ok...I'll be the first to admit that I"m not perfect when it comes to having wonderful, positive, affirming thoughts about myself. One of the reasons I went into counseling psychology as a graduate student was because I wanted to learn everything I could about it, so that I could help myself. I have a LONG history of working on self-esteem issues, negative thinking patterns, and dealing with unnecessary guilt. The reasons don't matter at this point (to me anyway) but dealing with these issues does. I'm imagining that a lot of you are dealing with this too, so I'm going to share some tricks from the therapists' bag.

The cool thing is that you can find a lot of these and more help at your local bookstore. So, a lot of these "tricks" (everyday people-ese for techniques) come from a branch of therapy called "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" or CBT. CBT has a long history, most of which I'll avoid here except to throw out a couple of names when appropriate. The bottom line with CBT is that therapists with this orientation (and trust me, there are many) ascribe to the idea that our thoughts affect our behavior, and that if we work to change the way we're thinking, then our behavior will be easier to change and we'll feel better. The nice thing about CBT is that a lot of research has been done on it, and most of the research is very positive - it's something that generally works, if done long enough and well enough.

Here's the problem though - a lot of people think that since it seems to be based in common sense, it should be easy and quick. Creating change using CBT isn't a "quick fix" - in fact it takes a lot of commitment and practice to get to where you want to be. If you're really looking for change, though, it's likely that you're feeling lousy to start with and will do what it takes to feel better. And CBT generally helps.

The basics of CBT are grounded in the idea that what we think and how we think about and interpret the world around us affects how we behave. Cognitions are the things that go through our minds: thoughts, interpretations, judgments, hopes, dreams, expectations, reasonings, rationalizations, plants, motivations, doubts, images - pretty much anything that goes on in your conscious mind is a "cognition." (I use conscious mind deliberately here because CBT therapists generally don't work with the subconscious or unconscious mind - that's a more psychoanalytic approach.)

Here are a couple of examples of how these work:, "Geez, that driver is such an IDIOT! He cut me off! He saw me, and he cut me off anyway!" is a cognition that can be taken apart for analysis: the observation: "he cut me off,:, the interpretation: "he cut me off deliberately," the assumption:"he saw me," and the judgment:"what an idiot!" And another: "I can't do anything right. No one wants to be around me anymore because I'm such a failure. I absolutely nose-dived that interview, and I know I came across as stupid. I should have had a job 6 months ago, and I keep screwing it up. No wonder I can't find something." And here's the analysis: The observation: "I don't have a job," the interpretation: "I'm stupid," "I keep screwing up," the assumptions: ""no one wants to be around me," "I can't do anything right," the judgments: "I'm a failure," "I come across as stupid," and "I should have had a job 6 months ago." And this is just one way to take it apart!

On to the "nuts and bolts" - what do you do in CBT? Well, when you're working with a therapist, generally we're pretty empathetic people. We're not out to tell you, "Geez, get your act together...honestly!" Frankly, if most therapists were judgmental, mean people we wouldn't have much worth, now would we? Generally, therapists will sympathize with you and check in with you to see if they're understanding you - a process we call "reflection." It works like this:

Client: I've been feeling really depressed lately. I just look at where my life is and I think I"m just a huge failure. I feel like the worst person in the world.
Therapist: I'm hearing a couple of things here...first is that you've been pretty down lately, is that right?
Client: Yeah, pretty much. I still don't have a job and I just can't seem to get out of this hole.
Therapist: So it seems like you've been pretty hard on yourself...I heard you say that you felt like the worst person in the world. That's pretty harsh. (therapist's interpretation of client's statements)

So, you can see that a therapist - of any orientation - is likely to be sympathetic. From there, where you go with your therapist depends a lot on their orientation, or what style of therapy they do. A CBT therapist will focus on the way you're thinking and how it affects you. The therapist will gently challenge you on negative thinking (or "stinking thinking" as we sometimes call it), and encourage you to think of other interpretations that aren't so negative in nature. Using our earlier example, this is how a CBT therapist might continue:

Therapist: I wonder where that idea that you're the worst person in the world came from? (exploration)
Client: Well, I can't seem to do anything right. Nothing seems to work out the way I want it to. I can't get a job, I can't do things right with my husband. Even my kids are mad at me.
Therapist: Wow...that's a lot of stress. (empathizing) You know, though...somehow I think there are people who are probably a lot closer to being "the worst person in the world" than you are...you know...maybe guys like Hitler? Somehow, I'm guessing that you're a little higher up than he is on that scale. What do you think? (gentle challenge, with a little humor)
Client: <laughing a little> Yeah, you're probably right on that one. I still feel pretty lousy about myself though.
Therapist: I know you've really had a tough time with the job stuff and what's going on at home. Is it possible that maybe it's not all because of you, though? What else could be going on? (reframing)
Client: Well...I guess the economy is probably making it harder to find jobs now. I still feel like I should have gotten something by now.
Therapist: <making time out signal> whoah...hang on there...time-out. Do you remember how we talked about "shoulds"? How they're like guilt-trips inside your head? I just heard you "shoulding" on yourself... (gentle confrontation)
Client: yeah...I guess I am pretty hard on myself.
Therapist: What would it be like to ease up a little? What would change? (challenge and exploration)

And so you see, that the therapist here is working with the client's pattern of thinking negatively about herself. We use gentle challenges, reframing things ("what else could cause this"), turning negative thoughts into positive thoughts, and give clients "homework" - thing to practice and use between sessions. It's actually a pretty cool system. If you've read my posts on DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), you'll recognize some of this. DBT is a specific form of CBT. Another cool thing is that you can find CBT-based self-help in a LOT of places. New Harbinger, a publisher of self-help materials, has a lot of self-help workbooks that have a CBT orientation for dealing with all kinds of issues: depression, anxiety, stress and relaxation, obsessive-complusive disorder (OCD, and I would recommend working with a therapist if you're dealing with this), PTSD, anger, and grief and sorrow. And I'm sure this is only a partial list!

The point is, CBT techniques are relatively easy to teach and learn - the tough part is putting it together, practicing them in real-life and actually continuing to use and practice them. This kind of therapy can help you learn a lot of things: coping skills, relationship skills, and all the nuts and bolts stuff we talked about: reframing, thought changing, challenging negative or all-or-nothing thinking, and a whole host of other things Next up: "Stinkin' Thinking" - how to work with negative thought patterns and some more tricks from the therapists' bag.

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help.

Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com to ask questions or get information.

What Makes You Happy?

7/13/2014

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Here's a story: One day the Master announced that a young monk had reached an advanced state of enlightenment. The news caused some stir and some of the monks went to see their younger brother. "We heard that you are enlightened. Is it true?" they asked. "It is true," he said. They asked him, "And how do you feel?" And the younger monk replied, "As miserable as ever."

What I've found through working with and being around a lot of people is that often we don't know what makes us happy. We seek it in many places, some of them harmful when carried out to excess: drinking, substance use, gambling, spending money. We also seek it in relationships, where we yearn to be with someone who "completes" us (cue Jerry Maguire, "You complete me.") We seek it in doing things, being busy, being "successful" or as perfect as we can be - at many, many things. How often, though, do we look inside and really ask ourselves, "What makes me happy?" If you do it, the answers may surprise you.

There's a whole branch of psychology that is dedicated to understanding happiness - it's relatively new and goes under the heading "Positive psychology." Two of the leading people in this field are David Myers and Martin Seligman - both of whom wondered why psychology focused so much on the negatives. Research in this area has found that (to quote Madame de la Fayette) "if one thinks that one is happy, that is enough to be happy."

Now I know this sounds like a "pat answer platitude" that oversimplifies things. And to some extent, it is - but there is also wisdom in this saying. As I've discussed before, how we think about and perceive ourselves and the world around us affects how we feel. This is definitely true for negative emotional states like depression and anxiety, but it's also true for positive emotional states. It's not a fixed, easy answer, but rather a factor in what makes us happy.

So what are happy people like? Well, David Myers wrote in his book, The Pursuit of Happiness (1992) that the "best predictor of future well-being is past well-being" (p. 106). Does that mean if you've had a miserable, abusive, or depressed past you can't be happy? Heck no. Does it mean that it's one factor in a whole group that affect happiness - yes, and only that. Myers wrote that happy people in general tend to like themselves, feel like they can choose or have power over their destinies, are hope-filled and outgoing. Ok...this is great as far as it goes - what if you don't like yourself, feel helpless or that your life is out of control, feel like there's no hope and that you're an incurable introvert? Well, honestly - you're probably not happy.

I'll tell you that for a very long time, my self-esteem was in the toilet. I felt like I didn't have control, that the future was hopeless, that I was ugly and stupid, and that I was always going to be that way. Obviously, something changed. I won't like and say that everything is sunshiny goodness and happy-happy-joy-joy every day - that's just not realistic for anyone. Overall, though - things did change AND I still struggle with feeling the way I used to sometimes.

The thing is, changing these factors means working on change in yourself. There are certainly things in life we can't control, and we have to learn how to accept and deal with them. Changing ourselves doesn't mean putting on a mask and pretending that everything is hunky-dory fine, either, though. (I have to admit that there are days when it's pretty tempting, though.) What it means is that we learn to look at the world through a different set of lenses (not always rose-colored, either). Ok - you don't like yourself - what do other people like about you? Feel like you can't do anything right? Make yourself write a list of things you have done right. If you feel like everything is out of your control and you're helpless - examine and list everything you CAN control. For example - you can control your reactions to the world around you. Certainly others' actions, words, and ways of being affect us - BUT we choose how we react to those things.

The idea here is that we "act as if." It's a pretty well-known CBT and DBT trick - even if you're not feeling happy, act as if you are. You're not "putting on a mask" because when I say "act as if" I mean completely, fully, and totally immerse yourself in this acting. "Putting on a mask" implies just looking as if you're happy - I'm suggesting not just looking as if, but acting as if and even trying to think and feel as if. It's hard work - I won't lie, but if you try it for a little while you may be surprised at the results.

When people come to see me professionally, they (and/or others) are usually focused on what's wrong. As in, "What's wrong with me/him/her?" One of my favorite questions, when we have a certain amount of trust built is, "What's right with you?" It's a powerful question, and we almost never ask it. It's worth thinking about: What's right with you? Right here, right now. Really - what is right with YOU?

One other thing that I see a lot of people doing is looking for something outside of themselves to fill the emptiness and sadness inside. Things, substances, relationships - none of those can make you happy long-term if you're not accepting and growing inside. Again - they certainly affect how we feel, but if we're looking for things to make us happy long-term, nothing outside will ever completely work. It has to come from inside at its core. While "Jerry Maguire" and other movies may promote the idea of the relationship that fills us, in the end we have to be complete in ourselves before we can truly create a "complete" in a relationship. Asking someone else to fulfill us and fill us up is asking too much of anyone - they can't read our minds, predict what we want when we want it, or somehow just know exactly what we need - we have to communicate and reciprocate for a relationship to work, and that means we have to have to have a strong sense of self from which to work from. (And yes, that's hard experience talking as well as training!)

So, being happy comes as much from us as is it does to us. Which brings me back to my original question - What really, truly, deeply makes you happy? Think about it - and you might just be on your way to finding it.

Until next time...I'll be on the other side of the couch, waiting to hear from you.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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Assertiveness: An Introduction

7/13/2014

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"Oh, you want me to organize the next women's group? Well, I've got a lot on my plate, but if you really want me to, I guess I could do that..."

"Ok, I'll get this report done by the end of the day..." (followed by getting caught up in other tasks, conversations, etc.)..."I'm so sorry, things just got out of hand. I'll just try again tomorrow; I might be able to get to it then."

"I'm so tired. But if you need this right away, I guess I can get it done."

Do any of these situations sound familiar? One of the workshops I offer teaches assertiveness skills. I'll admit something to you here: Being assertive is something I still work on, and probably will be working on for a while. So let's start at basics: What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is first of all a way of communicating. It's worth discussing what assertiveness is not as part of this definition: it's not aggressive, disrespectful, or mean - it's not looking for a fight. Assertiveness is also not passive or passive aggressive - it's not doing things behind someone's back even if you think you're right, it's not giving in or letting someone run roughshod all over you. It's not a tactic for getting your own, way, either. In both of these methods, you have trouble saying "no" or maintaining and respecting boundaries (your own, or someone else's). I've talked about saying no and boundaries in other posts, so I won't spend a whole lot of time on these, other than to say that assertiveness is more than these two important factors. These are also skills that are used in DBT, in the Interpersonal Effectiveness module.

Ok, so what IS assertiveness then? As I mentioned, it's a style of communication. Here's a quote from a workbook I use (and draw upon heavily):

...it recognizes that you are in charge of your behavior and that you decide what you will and will not do. Similarly, the assertive style involves recognizing that other people are in charge of their own behavior and does not attempt to take that control from them. When we behave assertively, we are able to acknowledge our own thoughts and wishes honestly, without the expectation that others will automatically give in to us. We express respect for the feelings and opinions of others without necessarily adopting their opinions or doing what they expect or demand" (Paterson, 2000, p. 19).

The bottom line is that being assertive means being respectful of ourselves and of others. It means being aware of what we want and need, and working to meet those needs in honest, open, and respectful ways, and respecting other people as they try to do the same. Learning to say and hear "no" and developing, maintaining and respecting healthy boundaries are techniques used in assertiveness - they are part of it, but not the whole. Here's some examples of an assertive statements:

"I can't join this committee now. I'm on two other committees and I need to have some 'down time' to take care of myself."

"I just bought this book yesterday, and I noticed today that there is a page missing. I'd like a replacement, please."

"Excuse me, I'm next in line."

So, what gets in the way of being assertive? Lots of things. Again, drawing heavily from Paterson's book, our own fears, the reactions of others to us being assertive, power differences in relationships (e.g., employer/employee, doctor/patient, parent/child, man/woman - I'll address the gender thing in a bit), stress (this is hard work!), our own beliefs about what being assertive means. Stress reactions can be calmed with stress reduction and relaxation techniques. I don't want to minimize the importance of these, but they are a different set of skills and can be covered in a different post.

The other stuff leads up to the stress component, so let's focus on those things. Our own fears and beliefs about assertiveness get in the way for several reasons. First, we may worry that we'll offend someone, or that they'll be angry at us. And the reality is, that may be true. Let's go back to our working definition of what assertiveness is, though - they are responsible for their emotions, reactions, and behavior. Your job is to take care of yourself, in a way that's respectful - and that means respectful of yourself as much as anything. Dealing with someone else's anger is tough, I'll admit. (When you're in a relationship where abuse is possible, it can be downright dangerous, and this is where you want to have support - people you trust and that can help, a place to go if you need it, and a safety plan. This post isn't meant to address abuse situations.) Anger comes up a lot when you're changing your style of interacting - if you've always been passive before, seeing you change may be a shock to the people who are used to having their own way. And you know what? They'll adjust. Your fear, though, can get in the way.

So what do you do? Well, imagine you're a coach - what would you tell your client or athlete? First of all, ask yourself what you're afraid of? What is the worst that can happen? Are your fears realistic? If so, how can you help yourself, respect yourself and still be assertive? (Tough question, I know!) Second, try it out. See what happens - you may be surprised. Maybe you can find a less stressful or lower intensity situation in which to practice. Success is the best reinforcer here; if you succeed and have a good experience you'll be more likely to do it again. As the title of one book says, "Feel the fear and do it anyway." Here's the thing - if our fears get in the way, we tend to act out of our fears rather than acting out of the need to respect and meet our needs. The result is, we don't get our needs met.

Your other beliefs about assertiveness can get in the way as well. Do you belief that being assertive is unladylike or bitchy? Do you believe that it's selfish, or that other people's needs come first? These are all things that women who are assertive face in this society, by the way - there's that gender thing. Do you think it's impolite to disagree or say "no"? Many of us were raised to disrespect our own needs and focus on others. Being assertive after all this training otherwise is hard. Examine these, and look at how these beliefs affect your behavior. Then try an experiment - just try, once, to contradict one of these and be assertive anyway. See what happens.

Ok - now what about how everyone else reacts? Well, we've already noticed that other people may react by being angry, offended, or puzzled by your new assertiveness. This is where your boundaries become important. Don't back down, but don't get aggressive either. It's important to keep and maintain those boundaries.

Here's a good rubric for being assertive:

Decide whether to be assertive
Decide what to say
Decide what to do
Assess the results:

Ok, believe it or not, this is just a little part of the workshop. (It's a long post, I know).

As Always:
Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, or are thinking about hurting yourself, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

References:
Paterson, R.J. (2000). The Assertiveness Workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

Stephen Ministry Leader's Training Manual. (2000). T-6, Assertiveness: Relating Gently and Firmly. St. Louis, MO: Stephen Ministries.

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Dealing with "No": How to Say It, How to Take It

7/13/2014

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"No" is one of the first words we learn to speak, and it's loaded with a lot of emotional baggage. When we first learn to say "no" as a toddler, we have likely heard it enough times that we know what it means, and it's a first expression of our individuality and independence. We learn that "no" means stop doing something, it means we can't have what what we want, and it means annoyance, disappointment and sometimes, hurt. However, we also learn to say "no."

As we get older, though, saying "no" gets harder. We learn pretty quickly that saying "no" to Mama and Daddy doesn't work too well. Saying "no" to teachers doesn't work at ALL well. We hear "no" more often too. Women especially learn that saying "no" is harder because we're expected to be nurturing, kind, caring - all those things that fly in the face of an honest and sometimes appropriate "no."

Dealing with "no" and setting/maintaining healthy boundaries is a big part of CBT, DBT, and Assertiveness Training Skills - with good reason. Many of us don't learn what good boundaries are and have little to no idea of how to set and maintain our own, or how to deal with others' boundaries.

Saying and receiving an appropriate "no" is a boundary issue and something that we have to learn to deal with everyday in a multitude of situations. For example, I recently learned that I did not get a job I for which I'd hoped to hired. This was a clear "no." Whether it was appropriate or not (my opinion certainly differs from the hiring committee!) isn't the issue here - the issue is how I deal with hearing "no." I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed, but I'm also not getting into a death-spiral-funk about it either. My boundaries and sense of self are intact enough that I don't take this as a reflection on me as a person.

And that is the trouble with hearing "no." Often, we take it as meaning that we are not good enough or right enough when we hear it. Like children, "no" may mean not getting what we want and we equate it with "no, you're not worthy of/good enough for __________ (fill in the blank)." It may feel like a personal attack, or that the person saying "no" doesn't love us enough, want us enough, or care about us enough. Hearing "no," though, really doesn't mean that it's a reflection on who we are - it simply means that the person saying "no" simply can't or won't meet our need at that time. The reason doesn't matter, what matters is how we deal with "no."

Honestly, there are a lot of ways we can do this. We can do the emotional equivalent of having a temper tantrum and yell, insult, or fight with the person saying "no." (You see this all the time in comments sections under articles or stories on the net.) We can turn the cold shoulder and freeze the person out. We can try and try to change their mind, even when it's a clear "no." However, all of these methods are boundary violations - we are violating the boundaries of the person who said "no."

So how DO you deal with it? First, recognize that it's not a reflection of your value as a person or your value to the person saying "no." That's a hard pill to swallow, I know - many of us learn through life experience that our value to others depends on pleasing them, and we alternate between trying to do that and rebelling against that internalized message. The idea here is "no" simply means "no" and that it doesn't mean we're bad people or that the other person doesn't care about us.

Next, ask yourself how you would want the other person to act if you had to say "no" to them. (I know - I can hear a lot of you saying, "but I wouldn't say "no" to them!" Just go with me on this, ok? :) ) Would you want them to scream, cry, threaten you, insult you, try to change your mind? Somehow, I don't think so. This is where the "golden rule" really has value - treat them the way you'd want to be treated.

Also, if you have to vent - if you think the "no" was unfair, was mean, etc - vent in your journal or to someone else. Venting is not a bad thing; you just want to use it appropriately. Venting at the person saying "no" isn't going to help and may in fact damage your relationship with the person beyond repair. So think about how you want to react to them, and where you REALLY want to vent - and then do it in a way that is safe and respectful. Respecting the other person's boundaries is something we all have to learn to do.

So, what if you need to say "no"? Well, again the golden rule applies: we don't want to be mean, sarcastic, threatening or insulting. The goal here is to first respect our own boundaries and then be respectful of the other person's. Assertiveness training and skills come in handy here, but generally a kind but firm "no" is all it takes. You don't have to explain it (you can if you want), and you don't have to change your mind, even if the other person doesn't respect your boundaries. You can use what is called the "broken record" technique if you need to. "I'm really busy that day and can't drive you to the picnic." "I'm really busy that day and can't drive you to the picnic," etc.

If the other person is not respectful of your "no," you have the right to remove yourself from the situation or to be firm and clear about your "no." You don't have to be angry or threating in your tone of voice (although you may feel justifiably irritated and annoyed!). Women especially have a hard time saying "no" appropriately because we've been socialized to be the nurturers and caregivers. Saying "no" contradicts the "take care of everyone else before you take care of yourself" mantra that is the undercurrent around traditional women's roles. Saying "no" is an important skill.

So here's an idea for you: Keep track of how many times someone says "no" to you and to how you react. Also, keep track of how many times you wanted to say "no" and didn't, and how you felt about yourself and the other person. Finally, keep track of how you did say "no" to others, and how you felt. It's an interesting exercise and very eye-opening. Even simply paying attention to the pattern can help you see and work on appropriate boundaries. And that, my friends, is a very good thing.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com. You may also call me at (970) 776-6043 for information.

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Laura Burlingame-Lee:

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