| I recently came across a term I hadn't heard before, "crisis fatigue" Crisis fatigue occurs when our ability to be resilient (or "bounce back") is flooded with an ongoing series of intense, energy-consuming or traumatic experiences. As best as I can tell, it's a form of burnout. Crisis fatigue, like burnout, is a response to ongoing and intense stress, like that faced by people trying to survive war or armed conflict, economic or financially stressful conditions, political instability, natural disasters, or - yes - a pandemic. Based on what I'm hearing from my colleagues and patients, many of us are facing crisis fatigue. |  Photo Credit: Nataliya Vaitkevich, from: https://www.pexels.com/photo/matchsticks-on-pink-surface-6837623/ |
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If you go into a bookstore, or on a e-commerce site that sells books, you'll notice that the self-help section is huge. Really HUGE. It seems like we want to improve so many areas of our lives - our size and appearance, our love life, our business and work lives, our mental health, and so many others. There are self-improvement programs you can buy online, and the books are full of ideas that you can use and apply to help improve your life. However, when we buy these programs or try these techniques, many times they don't seem to work - why is that?
There are a few reasons that might explain this. One factor is that our time and energy is limited. We get caught up in work and work issues, daily hassles like cooking and paying bills, family responsibilities... If you think about it, you'll find there are many, many reasons that we don't accomplish all the self-help and self-enhancement programs we purchase. All of these activities take time, and they take energy. When we do have a few minutes for leisure, many times we want to do something else. It's understandable - if something feels like too much work, we tend to avoid doing it. Another factor might be lack of support. We know that when people have support, they're more likely to make changes and they're more likely to stick to them. Beginning an exercise program is a great example: You're way more likely to keep moving and exercising when you have someone there with you. They support you, and to some extent, keep you accountable. Your coach is there to mentor you and to cheer you along as you creat the life you want to have. Accountability is the third factor I want to mention. I'm not thinking about accountability in a pressurized "have to" sense. Rather, I am suggesting that having another person to work with who knows your goals, your struggles, and your strengths can be an amazing support for you as you work to reach those goals and change your life! I love the word "coach" - it has such a positive connotation. Coaches share their knowledge with you, support you as you challenge yourself to reach goals (and challenge you themselves by nudging you toward your goals), and celebrate progress and life changes as they happen. It's a life-affirming, positive, and healthy profession. Unfortunately, there is a lot of confusion about coaching and what it is, especially in regard to how it's different from counseling or therapy. One common - and wrong - distinction I hear a lot is that counselors work with people who are struggling with problems or mental illness, and coaches work with people are healthy. I need to say this clearly - this is NOT true! Even trained mental health professionals buy into this false distinction. Another thing I hear a lot is that coaches set measurable goals and counselors' goals are less well-defined. Again, simply not true. There are many, many other misconceptions, and I hope to clear up these and a few others in this post. Let's talk about the first misconception. It's half true - coaches do work with people who are not experiencing emotional difficulties or mental illness. They are not trained to do so, and are not licensed or supervised in doing so. However, the other half - that counselors don't work with those who are healthy - is simply not true. The reality is that counselor's and psychologist's training makes them very qualified and trained to do coaching. Dr. Michael Bader, a licensed psychologist, points out that: The biggest difference between coaching and therapy, in my view, is that the theory that guides my work as a therapist can explain how coaching does or does not work, while theories that guide coaches can't do the same about therapy. (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-is-he-thinking/200904/the-difference-between-coaching-and-therapy-is-greatly-overstated) Another, similar distinction is that therapists and counselors work with the past, and coaches work with the future. Again, this simplistic division simply isn't true. Let me give you an example. In the therapy I do, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), we focus specifically on how to manage situations that are likely to happen in the future. While I do sometimes explore the past in terms of how it affects my client's current level of functioning when it's relevant, the work I do specifically involves working toward making a better future. Cogntive behavioral therapy in general has this orientation. It''s simply untrue that counselors don't focus on the future. The second misconception - that coaches set measurable, time-limited goals and therapists don't - again, simply is not true. Therapy works best if client and therapist work together to set exactly these kind of goals. That's how we measure progress. Many therapists I know will assess their client's sense of whether or not they are achieving their goals every session or every few sessions. Tied into this misconception is the idea that therapy is long-term and coaching is not. Again - many good systems of therapy (solution-focused therapy for example) work best with a time-limited model. Many coaches like to point to specialized training they have worked on. As a psychologist, I very much appreciate the effort these coaches have made to educate themselves and work in an ethical manner. Professionals like these are a credit to their profession. However, coaching as a whole has not licensure, certification or even educational requirements. There is no professionally agreed upon code of ethics. Because of this lack of centralized standards and ethical principles, engaging a coach is a risk. Please don't get me wrong - there are many, many wonderful, trained and ethical coaches out there. There are also some great training programs out there. The International Coaching Federation has made an effort to create a code of ethics and implement standardized training. I think this is a wonderful start. However: The ICF has no authority to implement these standards to the field as a whole. There are no licensing requirements. I hope that will change in the future, and believe that it will. Until then, however, there is a wide range of traininig programs ranging from in-depth programs requiring supervision to simple online classes with no practice component. At this point in time, they can all claim to be "coach training programs" with equal legal standing. The fact of the matter is that counselors and psychologists are highly trained. They have engaged in in-depth coursework, practicum and internship experiences during which they get real-life experience, and supervision. They are licensed, and regulated by licensing boards and codes of ethics. Because of these safeguards, there is more consistency and safety for you, the consumer. So, let's get at the issue of how this works. Coaching is focused on helping you identify and make movement toward reaching your goals. So is therapy. Coaches are trained (ideally, but not necessarily) in helping you set and achieve these goals, through specific techniques including targeted and open questions, activities, and developing insight. Counselors and psychologists can do this too. The truth of the matter is that a trained and licensed counselor can do anything and everything that a coach can do. Coaches, however, are not able to do everything a counselor or psychologist can do. Coach trainer Barbara Silva said: As a coach trainer this is an issue I discuss quite a bit with my students. The biggest difference as I see it is that a therapist may address both coaching and therapeutic issues whereas the coach must remain within the coaching realm, staying away from clinical issues. From the client's point of view, it's more about their perspective on the kind of assistance they need. The last misconception I want to address is one that I have to admit bugs me because it strikes at the heart of my work. I read a lot that coaching is a wellness model, while therapy is a treatment. Reality: Many, many therapists (myself included) adopt a wellness model. Focusing only on the negative and on how to fix what is wrong does not help over the long term. Focusing on wellness, and healing, and health is an important aspect of therapy.
So, the bottom line is that really is not much of a difference except training. (I know that there may be coaches that take issue with this, but the evidence is pretty clear.) Therapists and psychologists can do anything and everything a coach can do, because they are trained, they work with wellness as well as problems, and they use many of the same techniques, methods, and models. If you are interested in working with a coach, check out the International Coaching Federation for their training and ethical guidelines: http://www.coachfederation.org. They are an excellent resource, and can refer you to well-trained and ethical coaches. If you are interested in working with a psychologist or counselor, ask them if they do coaching - many do! As Always: Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected] © 2014 Dr. Laura Burlingame-Lee, Ph.D.  In my attempt to turn the mood around here a bit, I thought I'd write about one of my favorite wellness tools: Journaling. I have to start by saying that my definition of what makes a "journal" is pretty broad - for years I kept a copy paper box full of file folders with inspiring articles, pictures, quotes - and my comments on them. That, for a while, was my "journal." My bottom line in terms what constitutes a "journal" is that it's anything you want it to be. If you call it a "journal," then in my book, it's a journal. Period. There are way too many things in our lives and our worlds that end up being judged - the last thing we need judged is our creative and psychological expressions. Make it whatever you want it to be! Today, my journals tend to be a little more traditional, but that doesn't mean that I don't branch out on occasion. I usued to keep a "creative journal" which used to be a page-a-day appointment book - I used the pages as something on which to mount my creative expressions. I've been feeling "blocked" creatively for the last couple of months, so there hasn't been anything new to add, but I'm hoping that I'll let loose with a barrage of visual creativity here soon. I also keep a "regular" journal in one of those cheap composition books that you can buy in the grocery store. This is really my therapeutic journal. When I have trouble thinking straight or am feeling overwhelmed, this is the spot where it all comes out. For me, my creative journal is my "public" journal - if anyone sees it, it's not that big of a deal (after all, I posted pictures of it - how picky can I be?). My "regular" journal is a different story, though. This is the private stuff. When I'm really having a tough time coping, I get this out and write until I can't write anymore. If you're going to do this kind of writing, make sure you feel safe, or that you have some safety to do it. You may want or need to hide, lock up, or keep your journal in a place you feel is safe. I'm not kidding about that either - once I was so overwhelmed and feeling so down that I wrote for nine straight pages! I've found that there are some incredible books and systems for journaling - my advice would be to do what works for you. That's an important point, because there's a perception that there are a lot of rules to follow, like you should write every day, or write for a certain amount of time or a certain number of pages. It's really important to do what works for YOU. Forget the rules, and forget the shoulds. Let yourself play, too - this can be fun as well as insightful! I don't put any pressure on myself to write every day, or to write about a certain topic - my journal is MY expression. If you're the kind of person who thinks journaling would help you, I would encourage you to do this - again, do what works for you. Some people have spent lots of money and taken lots of courses on certain systems, like the Progoff system. Others, myself included, buy tons of books on writing and journaling. Other people simply just do it. Some people keep one journal and work through one book at a time. Other people have three or four going at once. The point here is that this is a tool to help you cope, to help you feel better, and to help you deal with the world around you in a healthy way. It's a tool to help you get to know yourself, and to have a safe place to vent, let off steam, ponder deep thoughts, record your history - whatever you want to make it. This is not the only tool, by far - but it is a very helpful one. The hard thing is that I see so many people start this, and then quit because they think they are "not doing it right" or read something that makes them feel they are "not good enough." Frankly, as a journal-ist AND as a mental health professional, I can honestly tell you that there IS no one, right or true way to do this. Anything you do here IS good enough, because it's an expression of who you are, where you are in your life, and what you're dealing with. And if it helps you cope and feel better - as well as be a better person, than it is good enough, right enough, and healthy. If it appeals to you, look up journal prompts, or join a site with an ongoing journal support group. One of my projects that I have going is writing an e-book of journal prompts. I'm excited about it, and hope to offer it in time for the new year. Whatever you do, do what works. It's effective, and it's healthy. Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected] Here's a story: One day the Master announced that a young monk had reached an advanced state of enlightenment. The news caused some stir and some of the monks went to see their younger brother. "We heard that you are enlightened. Is it true?" they asked. "It is true," he said. They asked him, "And how do you feel?" And the younger monk replied, "As miserable as ever."
What I've found through working with and being around a lot of people is that often we don't know what makes us happy. We seek it in many places, some of them harmful when carried out to excess: drinking, substance use, gambling, spending money. We also seek it in relationships, where we yearn to be with someone who "completes" us (cue Jerry Maguire, "You complete me.") We seek it in doing things, being busy, being "successful" or as perfect as we can be - at many, many things. How often, though, do we look inside and really ask ourselves, "What makes me happy?" If you do it, the answers may surprise you. There's a whole branch of psychology that is dedicated to understanding happiness - it's relatively new and goes under the heading "Positive psychology." Two of the leading people in this field are David Myers and Martin Seligman - both of whom wondered why psychology focused so much on the negatives. Research in this area has found that (to quote Madame de la Fayette) "if one thinks that one is happy, that is enough to be happy." Now I know this sounds like a "pat answer platitude" that oversimplifies things. And to some extent, it is - but there is also wisdom in this saying. As I've discussed before, how we think about and perceive ourselves and the world around us affects how we feel. This is definitely true for negative emotional states like depression and anxiety, but it's also true for positive emotional states. It's not a fixed, easy answer, but rather a factor in what makes us happy. So what are happy people like? Well, David Myers wrote in his book, The Pursuit of Happiness (1992) that the "best predictor of future well-being is past well-being" (p. 106). Does that mean if you've had a miserable, abusive, or depressed past you can't be happy? Heck no. Does it mean that it's one factor in a whole group that affect happiness - yes, and only that. Myers wrote that happy people in general tend to like themselves, feel like they can choose or have power over their destinies, are hope-filled and outgoing. Ok...this is great as far as it goes - what if you don't like yourself, feel helpless or that your life is out of control, feel like there's no hope and that you're an incurable introvert? Well, honestly - you're probably not happy. I'll tell you that for a very long time, my self-esteem was in the toilet. I felt like I didn't have control, that the future was hopeless, that I was ugly and stupid, and that I was always going to be that way. Obviously, something changed. I won't like and say that everything is sunshiny goodness and happy-happy-joy-joy every day - that's just not realistic for anyone. Overall, though - things did change AND I still struggle with feeling the way I used to sometimes. The thing is, changing these factors means working on change in yourself. There are certainly things in life we can't control, and we have to learn how to accept and deal with them. Changing ourselves doesn't mean putting on a mask and pretending that everything is hunky-dory fine, either, though. (I have to admit that there are days when it's pretty tempting, though.) What it means is that we learn to look at the world through a different set of lenses (not always rose-colored, either). Ok - you don't like yourself - what do other people like about you? Feel like you can't do anything right? Make yourself write a list of things you have done right. If you feel like everything is out of your control and you're helpless - examine and list everything you CAN control. For example - you can control your reactions to the world around you. Certainly others' actions, words, and ways of being affect us - BUT we choose how we react to those things. The idea here is that we "act as if." It's a pretty well-known CBT and DBT trick - even if you're not feeling happy, act as if you are. You're not "putting on a mask" because when I say "act as if" I mean completely, fully, and totally immerse yourself in this acting. "Putting on a mask" implies just looking as if you're happy - I'm suggesting not just looking as if, but acting as if and even trying to think and feel as if. It's hard work - I won't lie, but if you try it for a little while you may be surprised at the results. When people come to see me professionally, they (and/or others) are usually focused on what's wrong. As in, "What's wrong with me/him/her?" One of my favorite questions, when we have a certain amount of trust built is, "What's right with you?" It's a powerful question, and we almost never ask it. It's worth thinking about: What's right with you? Right here, right now. Really - what is right with YOU? One other thing that I see a lot of people doing is looking for something outside of themselves to fill the emptiness and sadness inside. Things, substances, relationships - none of those can make you happy long-term if you're not accepting and growing inside. Again - they certainly affect how we feel, but if we're looking for things to make us happy long-term, nothing outside will ever completely work. It has to come from inside at its core. While "Jerry Maguire" and other movies may promote the idea of the relationship that fills us, in the end we have to be complete in ourselves before we can truly create a "complete" in a relationship. Asking someone else to fulfill us and fill us up is asking too much of anyone - they can't read our minds, predict what we want when we want it, or somehow just know exactly what we need - we have to communicate and reciprocate for a relationship to work, and that means we have to have to have a strong sense of self from which to work from. (And yes, that's hard experience talking as well as training!) So, being happy comes as much from us as is it does to us. Which brings me back to my original question - What really, truly, deeply makes you happy? Think about it - and you might just be on your way to finding it. Until next time...I'll be on the other side of the couch, waiting to hear from you. As Always: Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected] This has been a busy year so far. I've studied for (and passed) the EPPP, psychology's licensing exam, I've finished my supervision hours, and I've done what seems like endless amounts of paperwork. This last week was no different, except that there were more than a usual amount of clinical issues to be documented. I've put in several 11-hour days this week, and I need a break. SO...I'm taking one.
When I work with clients, I'm always encouraging people to be gentle with themselves and to take care of themselves. That doesn't mean not being accountable for your actions, by the way - it does mean if you have to take yourself to task you can do it in a way that's kind and gentle. One of my friends recently talked about how the Golden Rule also means treating yourself the way you'd want to be treated. If you'll notice, the Golden Rule doesn't say, "Treat others as you treat yourself," but rather "as you'd want to be treated." So, why do we have so much trouble treating OURSELVES the way we'd want to be treated? How often do we find ourselves chronically putting our needs last? Or ignoring our bodies' needs for rest and relaxation? How often do we take care of everyone else, leaving no time to do so for ourselves? For women, especially, it's a chronic issue. For parents, it's a necessity a lot of the time. For students, workers...the list of situations in which we put our own care last is nearly endless. When I work with people who chronically ignore or negate their own needs I used what I call "Healthy Selfishness." I use this term for a couple of reasons. One is that "selfishness" has been a label thrown at many us since we were small children, and it has such a negative connotation that reclaiming the word in a different way helps people see that it's NOT a bad thing to take care of themselves. That's the "Healthy" piece. It's healthy to care for ourselves, and to let ourselves enjoy life and things we enjoy. So, last night and today I spent some time playing. My kids like to get air-dry clay, so I made some beads that I will paint and varnish when they're dry. I got out my sketchbook and brainstormed ideas for fun things I want to do in my practice and in my life. I worked a little on a scrapbook of the cruise I went on with my mother. Tonight, I plan on watching a TV show, maybe reading a book or magazine, and (hopefully) going to bed early. Somewhere along the way to being a "responsible adult," I lost all that. I was always the "responsible child" so losing play happened pretty early for me. Today, I find myself yearning to let go, to play, to let loose - and I don't know how. So...I'm going to the best teachers I know - my children. I do have things I "should" do - I should work more on the business side of my job, I should work more on updating the paperwork for my private practice...AND I also should relax, take care of myself and treat myself the way I'd want to be treated. I should also not judge myself as harshly and punitively as I do. I should treat myself gently, respectfully, and lovingly. And that means paying attention to my need to relax, play, and cut loose a little. So, I'm going to attempt more play. I'm going to get my kids to teach me how to make things, like clay representations of the heads on Mt. Rushmore, or how to properly have a combination tea/art party. These are the things that make life rich - and I plan to take a break from being an adult for a while. If you can, I encourage you to find the time and do it yourself. As Always: Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected] |
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