The Power of Each Other: Wellness and Well-Being
  • Home
    • About Laura
    • Contact Dr. Burlingame-Lee:
    • News!
  • Resources & FAQs
    • Resources
    • FAQs >
      • Coaching FAQ
      • DBT FAQ >
        • How does DBT work?
        • What are the goals in DBT?
        • How does a DBT Skills Training Group Work?
        • Assumptions about our participants
        • What are some problems that might come up?
        • DBT Skills 1: Introduction and Mindfulness
        • DBT Skills 2: Interpersonal Effectiveness
        • DBT Skills 3: Emotion Regulation
        • DBT Skills 4: Distress Tolerance, Part 1
        • DBT Skills 5: Distress Tolerance, Part 2
      • Payment and Insurance
      • First Appointments: What to expect >
        • What to expect at your first coaching appointment
        • What to expect at your first therapy appointment:
    • Forms
  • Blog: Posts for the Journey
    • Blog Survey!
  • Love the Questions Journal Prompts

Loneliness: When the World Seems to Go On Without You

7/14/2014

0 Comments

 
Loneliness is something we've all probably experienced at one time or another, and quite frankly it sucks. In my experience, feeling lonely is one of the most intensely uncomfortable, depressing, and isolating feelings that exists. When you're feeling lonely, it seems that the world is going on around you, and that you're invisible or worse, that no one cares.

I mark a difference between loneliness and solitude. Solitude is when YOU want be be alone - it's a very different thing from wanting to be around others but not being able to. There are many reasons for loneliness, among them shyness or social anxiety, or depression and/or thinking that no one wants to be around you (Remember the "stinkin' thinking"? This is an example). 



Feeling lost in the crowed or different from everyone around you is a factor. Loneliness can come up in different situations - when you're single among couples, childless among families, ill or emotionally traumatized around people who seem healthier than you, a member of a minority group surrounded by the majority...there are any number of situations which may trigger loneliness. 

There are no easy answers for changing loneliness - this is one of those situations where, if I did have a magic wand, it would be useless. (And trust me, I wish I did have one.) The basic reason there are no easy answers is because the causes are so varied. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps with some causes like social anxiety, depressive thinking, or dealing with "Shoulds" or "Stinkin' Thinking". Ok...well, that's fine and dandy. I change my thinking and I just feel better, like that?

Uh, well...not really. I wish it was that simple. CBT will help you work with your thought patterns AND with the behaviors that get in your way. This is where the "homework" stuff comes in again. If you want to counter loneliness stemming out of anxiety or depression...guess what? You have to interact with people. Typical homework assignments in this realm might be something like, "Talk to five people about a current news topic" or "Compliment 3 people sincerely." The idea here is to get you out and getting experiences that contradict your fears.

And also - loneliness is a feeling. I know...some of you are saying, "Well, DUH!" Here's the thing though - you can use your skills to deal with feelings that are overwhelming. Call it "riding the wave," DBT, Coping, Self-Care, Self-Soothing - whatever. The idea is you use the skills you've got and have learned to help yourself feel better. "Emotion Regulation" and "Distress Tolerance" have these names for a reason! 

Ok, so CBT and DBT help. What if you're stuck in a situation where you really DO "stick out like a sore thumb"? Those are a little harder, to be honest. Your differences will likely be harder to hide, and it may feel as if the situation around you is moving on and leaving you behind, or worse, ignored. I can't tell you what to do in these situations, but I can share what's helped me.

First of all... if I seem to be in a completely different, alien, strange, unsual environment or group, I look around and see if there's someone else who seems something like me. By this I mean, "Is there one other person here who looks uncomfortable - for whatever reason - like I do?" If so, then I gather up my assertiveness and interpersonal effectiveness skills and introduce myself. I'll ask an open question like, "What do you think of all this?" and then LISTEN. Nine times out of ten, this helps.

Err...what about the 10th time? When the person just kind of looks at me as if I'm an alien from another planet, or as if I've just spilled spinach juice and red wine down the front of my shirt? Well..I politely say, "It was nice to meet you," and then move on to something else. At that point (and this may seem silly), I look for someone who has one thing in common with the way I look, or one thing about them that is intriguing to me - maybe it's wearing the same color, or a similar hairstyle, or style of outfit...maybe it's that the person is wearing some outrageously bright colors that I adore, or has eyes that seem to smile. SOMETHING I notice and can comment on.

Y'all are going to think that I'm a pain in the tushie with how I do things, but again, I go up and introduce myself, and say, "Those shoes are so cute! Would you mind telling me where you got them? I love those colors." Or I might say, "You know, I don't know many people here...and honestly, you look like someone I might be able to chat with. I'm Laura. What's your name?"

Here's the thing - fundamentally I am a VERY shy person. (You'd never guess it watching me now, but I swear - it's true.) It took me years of practice and yes, therapy to get over it. During this process I learned, though, that most people are generally nice. I also learned that if I say something completely stupid, or fumble for words, saying, "I feel a little awkward - I'm worried I look like a fool" and then laughing, most of the time people will laugh with me. Do they laught AT me? I'm sure some people do. I know for a fact when I was younger, people did.

And the sad fact is that there are some people who are judgmental and mean. Appearance seems to be a particularly favored target, and it sucks. People have judged me on my appearance, both when I was thin and now that I'm fat. And you know what? I survived. No matter what other people think of me, my sense of who I am is intact. It took YEARS to get here, and I'm not going to say that other people's perceptions don't matter - they certainly do. What matters the most, though, is what YOU do and what YOU think of yourself. I decided that I would try to like myself, no matter what anyone else thought. I don't know about everyone, but for me it was a choice and a conscious decision. And it took hard work.

When you have the sense that you are not just OK, but that you are a worthwhile, interesting, and caring person, loneliness has a harder time getting in. I won't lie - it sure does get in on occasion. But - I have a stronger sense that I can do something important, that I matter, and that I have gifts and talents to share. That goes a long way in pushing loneliness out the door. Even if no one listens, or no one seems to care, I know I matter.

So, when I start feeling lonely...well, I do something to kick it on it's butt  out the door. I'll go talk to someone, engage myself in something I enjoy, write, read, take a nap, go sit outside, pet my cat... you get the idea.


And you know what? You don't have to be lonely - I'll talk with you. Seriously. Send me an email message, and I'll get in touch. I know how hard it is to feel lonely, and I want you to know that you're not alone. Really.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

0 Comments

    Laura Burlingame-Lee:

    I am someone who thoroughly loves life and believes in the power we have to help each other. I think that having a hot cup of tea, a good book, and a warm, purring kitty are some of the most soothing experiences available in life, and loving my family, hearing the sound of children laughing, feeling rain on my skin, and smelling the salt air by the ocean are some of the best possible things in life! 

    I believe we all have inner wisdom, and that learning to listen to it is one of the hardest and most rewarding things we can do. I believe we all have gifts and talents to share, and that we have the opportunity every day to learn something new. We learn, we grow, and we shine!


    I'd love to hear from you!

    Need to find something? Search the blog:
    View my profile on LinkedIn

    RSS Feed

    Home

    Archives

    August 2022
    July 2022
    September 2017
    August 2017
    January 2016
    October 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014

    Categories

    All
    Acceptance
    Accountability
    Accountable
    Accreditation
    Accredited
    Achievement
    Achieving
    Action
    Action Planning
    Active Trust
    Affirmation
    Affirmations
    Afraid
    Alone
    Anger
    Angry
    Antidepressant
    Antidepressants
    Anxiety
    Appointment
    Appointments
    Art Journal
    Assertive
    Assertiveness
    Attitude
    Beck
    Behavior
    Black Or White Thinking
    Boundaries
    Boundary
    Care
    Caring
    Cat-I
    CBT
    Certification
    Certified
    Chain Analysis
    Change
    Changing
    Checking In
    Check-ins
    Choice
    Choices
    Coach
    Coaches
    Coaching
    Code Of Ethics
    Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
    Cognitive Behavioral Therapy For Insomnia
    Cognitive Distortions
    Cognitive Errors
    Cognitive Triad
    Comfort
    Comfortable
    Commitment
    Commitment Planning
    Commitment Strategies
    Compassion
    Compassionate
    Compassionate Detachment
    Control
    Controlling
    Copeland
    Coping
    Coping Skills
    Counseling
    Counselor
    Counselors
    Courage
    COVID
    Cruelty
    Daily Hassles
    DBT
    Depressed
    Depression
    Dialectical Behavioral Therapy
    Dichotic Thinking
    Differences
    Discomfort
    Distorted Thinking
    Distraction
    Distress Tolerance
    Dream
    Dream Analysis
    Dreaming
    Dreams
    Dream Symbols
    Effective
    Ellis
    Emergency Room
    Emotion Regulation
    End
    Ending
    ER
    Ethical
    Ethics
    Ethics Code
    Evaluating Goals
    Fear
    Forgive
    Forgiveness
    Frustrated
    Frustration
    Fun
    Goal Planning
    Goal Progress
    Goals
    Goal Setting
    Goal Strategizing
    Grief
    Happiness
    Happy
    Heal
    Healing
    Health
    Healthy
    Helpless
    Helplessness
    Hero
    Heroes
    Hopeless
    Hopelessness
    Hospital
    Hospitalization
    Hotline
    Hotlines
    Hurt
    ICF
    Identity
    Image Rehearsal Therapy
    Insight
    Insightful
    International Coaching Federation
    Interpersonal Effectiveness
    Introversion
    Irrational Beliefs
    Irrational Thinking
    IRT
    Journal
    Journaling
    Joy
    Judgment
    Judgmental
    Letting Go
    Licensed
    Licensure
    Loneliness
    Lonely
    Mean
    Measurable Goals
    Medical
    Medication
    Mindfulness
    Minimization
    Mistrust
    Mood Stabilizer
    Mood Stabilizers
    Motivate
    Motivation
    Move
    Moving
    Moving On
    Negative Thinking
    Negative Thinking Patterns
    New Normal
    No
    Nonjudgmental
    Nonjudgmental Stance
    Obstacles
    Opposite Action
    Organization
    Organizing
    Overgeneralization
    Pain
    Painful
    Personality
    Personalization
    Plan
    Planning
    Play
    Playful
    Playing
    Positive Psychology
    Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
    Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
    Precipitating Event
    Prioritize
    Prioritizing
    Process
    Process Writing
    Procrastination
    Progress
    Prompting Event
    Psychologist
    Psychologists
    PTSD
    Rabbit Hole
    Radical Acceptance
    Reaching Goals
    React
    Reacting
    Reaction
    Reinforce
    Reinforcement
    Relationship Skills
    Relax
    Relaxation
    Resiliency
    Resources
    Responding
    Responsibility
    Responsible
    Rest
    Restful
    Resting
    Results
    Reward
    Rewards
    Role Play
    Role-play
    Sadness
    Safe
    Safety
    Saying No
    Schedule
    Self Acceptance
    Self Assurance
    Self Awareness
    Self Care
    Self Control
    Self Esteem
    Self Liking
    Self Soothing
    Self-soothing
    Setting Goals
    Should
    Shoulds
    Skills
    Solitude
    Stigma
    Stigmatize
    Stigmatizing
    Stinking Thinking
    Stop
    Stopping
    Strategies
    Strategizing
    Strategy
    Suicidal
    Suicidal Feelings
    Suicidal Thoughts
    Suicide
    Suicide Hotline
    Suicide Hotlines
    Support
    Supporting
    Supportive
    Taking Action
    Task Management
    Termination
    Therapist
    Therapists
    Therapy
    Thinking
    Thinking Patterns
    Thoughts
    Time
    Time Management
    Tough Times
    Trained
    Training
    Transition
    Transitioning
    Trauma
    Traumatic
    Traumatized
    Trigger
    Triggers
    Trust
    Trust The Process
    Uncomfortable
    Visual Journal
    Voice
    Vulnerability
    Vulnerability Factors
    Wellness
    Wellness Action Recovery Plan
    Wise Mind
    WRAP
    Write
    Writing

Proudly powered by Weebly