The Power of Each Other: Wellness and Well-Being
  • Home
    • About Laura
    • Contact Dr. Burlingame-Lee:
    • News!
  • Resources & FAQs
    • Resources
    • FAQs >
      • Coaching FAQ
      • DBT FAQ >
        • How does DBT work?
        • What are the goals in DBT?
        • How does a DBT Skills Training Group Work?
        • Assumptions about our participants
        • What are some problems that might come up?
        • DBT Skills 1: Introduction and Mindfulness
        • DBT Skills 2: Interpersonal Effectiveness
        • DBT Skills 3: Emotion Regulation
        • DBT Skills 4: Distress Tolerance, Part 1
        • DBT Skills 5: Distress Tolerance, Part 2
      • Payment and Insurance
      • First Appointments: What to expect >
        • What to expect at your first coaching appointment
        • What to expect at your first therapy appointment:
    • Forms
  • Blog: Posts for the Journey
    • Blog Survey!
  • Love the Questions Journal Prompts

I Wish There Was a Magic Wand...

4/28/2014

0 Comments

 
I wish there was a magic want. I really do. But...There really is no magic wand.

There. I've said it. It stinks, it hurts sometimes, it's depressing. And it's true: there is no magic wand to wave and make our troubles just disappear.

I always wanted to be Samantha on "Bewitched" - even if she got into messes, she could twitch her nose and all would be well. (Of course, she did have to put up with that dork of a husband Darrin...anyway...) Wouldn't it be nice if we could make ourselves look the way we want, make other people behave the way we want and do the things we want? If we could control everything and have it our way? (OK, there's an Endora streak in me too - I admit it.)

Well, believe it or not...no. As hard as it is sometimes, we learn from our struggles. We don't choose or deserve many of the things that happen to us or are done to us - but we have a choice in terms of learning to how deal with it without letting it control us. I know that sounds harsh, and I apologize - I never, ever want to minimize someone's pain by being flip. Here, though - this really is our choice. Recovery, healing, and moving forward are all "dealing with it." No matter what happens - we always have a choice: We can choose how we react and what we do with it,

The thing is, it's awfully easy to let whatever happened or whoever hurt us control us and I know that from experience. Emotions and mood states are POWERFUL, and can distort how we perceive reality. These things are also REAL - depression, anxiety, PTSD, anger, fear - they all are very real and affect us deeply. As tough as it is, our task is to try to see ourselves objectively and to try to do the best we can without further hurting ourselves or hurting other people. And doing so is not easy at all. It's a growth process, and a rebirth in many ways. It IS a process.

This process is not an easy thing to learn either. When I was doing my training, I used to keep a kid's magic wand in the little office where I did my counseling. Sometimes people would come in and would want to change someone else - like their children or spouse, their boss or coworkers, or extended family members. Other times, I'd hear people talk about how unfair things were and how others should do things/see things their way, or how life should be different. At this point, IF I'd established good rapport with my client, I'd take the magic wand and bang it on the end table or chair and say, "Look...it doesn't work. NOW what are we going to do? We've got to figure how to handle this, because the magic wand doesn't work!"

This almost always got a laugh - and made an important point. There is no easy fix for a lot of these issues. In fact, many of the issues that people talked about WERE unjust. However, we can't change other people, and sometimes we can't change what happens to us.

What we can do, however, is change ourselves. Again, it's not easy - this really is hard work. It involves letting go of our "shoulds" for others, our attempts to make them do what we want them to do or treat us the way we want them to treat us. Our challenge is to accept them as they are, and deal constructively and effectively with the things that happen to us. (For the record: Accepting other people as they are does NOT mean approving of, liking, or agreeing with their behaviors, the harm they do, or the hurt they cause. We're not condoning or accepting in any way, shape, or form abuse or other harmful/hurtful behaviors. What we're doing is letting go of trying to change them, and instead focus on what we can do to help ourselves.)

This is the essence of psychological healing, in my opinion. Therapy ideally gives someone a safe place to learn about and practice letting go, acceptance, and self-change. It's not a magic wand, but it can be a magic place because the work that's done in the therapy room, when successful, is transformational.

The old analogy of the caterpillar going into the cocoon and emerging a butterfly really is apt. It's a cliche, but it's one that fits. The struggle to emerge from the cocoon is not only difficult, it's necessary for the butterfly to survive. Helping the butterfly emerge - even when well-intentioned - kills the butterfly. Human birth is similar - the process of being born and being pushed/squeezed out the birth control compresses the newborn's lungs, so that when s/he emerges, they expand to bring the infant the breath of life. (With humans, we've learned to compensate - the "magic wand" of medical science helps here.)

The point with these analogies is that the "magic wand" - the quick fix, easy way out, getting someone else to do it for us, etc. - robs us of our ability to grow into the person we're meant to be. Without that struggle, we don't get to learn and grow in quite the same way. In my field, we call this ability to "bounce back" and heal resiliency - and resilience can be developed and strengthened over time. We learn to develop healthy boundaries, we learn to cope with strong emotions and tolerate distress, we learn to think in a healther and more effective way, we learn to be mindful of ourselves and all of these things as we grow and heal. We learn - or relearn - how to interact with other people and grow relationships.

These things said, would I wish abusive, harmful, traumatic, or painful experiences on anyone in the sake of growth? NO. I can't say that emphatically enough - NO. We can't control what other people do or many times We CAN work to heal ourselves and grow, though. We can die in our cocoons, or we can struggle and emerge reborn to face the world. It's up to us. It's not easy. It's not pretty - and there really is no magic wand.

The magic is instead in us, in our ability to overcome.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com


0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Laura Burlingame-Lee:

    I am someone who thoroughly loves life and believes in the power we have to help each other. I think that having a hot cup of tea, a good book, and a warm, purring kitty are some of the most soothing experiences available in life, and loving my family, hearing the sound of children laughing, feeling rain on my skin, and smelling the salt air by the ocean are some of the best possible things in life! 

    I believe we all have inner wisdom, and that learning to listen to it is one of the hardest and most rewarding things we can do. I believe we all have gifts and talents to share, and that we have the opportunity every day to learn something new. We learn, we grow, and we shine!


    I'd love to hear from you!

    Need to find something? Search the blog:
    View my profile on LinkedIn

    RSS Feed

    Home

    Archives

    August 2022
    July 2022
    September 2017
    August 2017
    January 2016
    October 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014

    Categories

    All
    Acceptance
    Accountability
    Accountable
    Accreditation
    Accredited
    Achievement
    Achieving
    Action
    Action Planning
    Active Trust
    Affirmation
    Affirmations
    Afraid
    Alone
    Anger
    Angry
    Antidepressant
    Antidepressants
    Anxiety
    Appointment
    Appointments
    Art Journal
    Assertive
    Assertiveness
    Attitude
    Beck
    Behavior
    Black Or White Thinking
    Boundaries
    Boundary
    Care
    Caring
    Cat-I
    CBT
    Certification
    Certified
    Chain Analysis
    Change
    Changing
    Checking In
    Check-ins
    Choice
    Choices
    Coach
    Coaches
    Coaching
    Code Of Ethics
    Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
    Cognitive Behavioral Therapy For Insomnia
    Cognitive Distortions
    Cognitive Errors
    Cognitive Triad
    Comfort
    Comfortable
    Commitment
    Commitment Planning
    Commitment Strategies
    Compassion
    Compassionate
    Compassionate Detachment
    Control
    Controlling
    Copeland
    Coping
    Coping Skills
    Counseling
    Counselor
    Counselors
    Courage
    COVID
    Cruelty
    Daily Hassles
    DBT
    Depressed
    Depression
    Dialectical Behavioral Therapy
    Dichotic Thinking
    Differences
    Discomfort
    Distorted Thinking
    Distraction
    Distress Tolerance
    Dream
    Dream Analysis
    Dreaming
    Dreams
    Dream Symbols
    Effective
    Ellis
    Emergency Room
    Emotion Regulation
    End
    Ending
    ER
    Ethical
    Ethics
    Ethics Code
    Evaluating Goals
    Fear
    Forgive
    Forgiveness
    Frustrated
    Frustration
    Fun
    Goal Planning
    Goal Progress
    Goals
    Goal Setting
    Goal Strategizing
    Grief
    Happiness
    Happy
    Heal
    Healing
    Health
    Healthy
    Helpless
    Helplessness
    Hero
    Heroes
    Hopeless
    Hopelessness
    Hospital
    Hospitalization
    Hotline
    Hotlines
    Hurt
    ICF
    Identity
    Image Rehearsal Therapy
    Insight
    Insightful
    International Coaching Federation
    Interpersonal Effectiveness
    Introversion
    Irrational Beliefs
    Irrational Thinking
    IRT
    Journal
    Journaling
    Joy
    Judgment
    Judgmental
    Letting Go
    Licensed
    Licensure
    Loneliness
    Lonely
    Mean
    Measurable Goals
    Medical
    Medication
    Mindfulness
    Minimization
    Mistrust
    Mood Stabilizer
    Mood Stabilizers
    Motivate
    Motivation
    Move
    Moving
    Moving On
    Negative Thinking
    Negative Thinking Patterns
    New Normal
    No
    Nonjudgmental
    Nonjudgmental Stance
    Obstacles
    Opposite Action
    Organization
    Organizing
    Overgeneralization
    Pain
    Painful
    Personality
    Personalization
    Plan
    Planning
    Play
    Playful
    Playing
    Positive Psychology
    Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
    Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
    Precipitating Event
    Prioritize
    Prioritizing
    Process
    Process Writing
    Procrastination
    Progress
    Prompting Event
    Psychologist
    Psychologists
    PTSD
    Rabbit Hole
    Radical Acceptance
    Reaching Goals
    React
    Reacting
    Reaction
    Reinforce
    Reinforcement
    Relationship Skills
    Relax
    Relaxation
    Resiliency
    Resources
    Responding
    Responsibility
    Responsible
    Rest
    Restful
    Resting
    Results
    Reward
    Rewards
    Role Play
    Role-play
    Sadness
    Safe
    Safety
    Saying No
    Schedule
    Self Acceptance
    Self Assurance
    Self Awareness
    Self Care
    Self Control
    Self Esteem
    Self Liking
    Self Soothing
    Self-soothing
    Setting Goals
    Should
    Shoulds
    Skills
    Solitude
    Stigma
    Stigmatize
    Stigmatizing
    Stinking Thinking
    Stop
    Stopping
    Strategies
    Strategizing
    Strategy
    Suicidal
    Suicidal Feelings
    Suicidal Thoughts
    Suicide
    Suicide Hotline
    Suicide Hotlines
    Support
    Supporting
    Supportive
    Taking Action
    Task Management
    Termination
    Therapist
    Therapists
    Therapy
    Thinking
    Thinking Patterns
    Thoughts
    Time
    Time Management
    Tough Times
    Trained
    Training
    Transition
    Transitioning
    Trauma
    Traumatic
    Traumatized
    Trigger
    Triggers
    Trust
    Trust The Process
    Uncomfortable
    Visual Journal
    Voice
    Vulnerability
    Vulnerability Factors
    Wellness
    Wellness Action Recovery Plan
    Wise Mind
    WRAP
    Write
    Writing

Proudly powered by Weebly