Blog Archives

Why Work With a Life Coach?

7/21/2014

If you go into a bookstore, or on a e-commerce site that sells books, you'll notice that the self-help section is huge. Really HUGE. It seems like we want to improve so many areas of our lives - our size and appearance, our love life, our business and work lives, our mental health, and so many others. There are self-improvement programs you can buy online, and the books are full of ideas that you can use and apply to help improve your life. However, when we buy these programs or try these techniques, many times they don't seem to work - why is that?

There are a few reasons that might explain this. One factor is that our time and energy is limited. We get caught up in work and work issues, daily hassles like cooking and paying bills, family responsibilities... If you think about it, you'll find there are many, many reasons that we don't accomplish all the self-help and self-enhancement programs we purchase. All of these activities take time, and they take energy. When we do have a few minutes for leisure, many times we want to do something else. It's understandable - if something feels like too much work, we tend to avoid doing it.

Another factor might be lack of support. We know that when people have support, they're more likely to make changes and they're more likely to stick to them. Beginning an exercise program is a great example: You're way more likely to keep moving and exercising when you have someone there with you. They support you, and to some extent, keep you accountable. Your coach is there to mentor you and to cheer you along as you creat the life you want to have.

Accountability is the third factor I want to mention. I'm not thinking about accountability in a pressurized "have to" sense. Rather, I am suggesting that having another person to work with who knows your goals, your struggles, and your strengths can be an amazing support for you as you work to reach those goals and change your life!

I love the word "coach" - it has such a positive connotation. Coaches share their knowledge with you, support you as you challenge yourself to reach goals (and challenge you themselves by nudging you toward your goals), and celebrate progress and life changes as they happen. It's a life-affirming, positive, and healthy profession.

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What's the Difference Between Counseling and Coaching?

7/18/2014

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Unfortunately, there is a lot of confusion about coaching and what it is, especially in regard to how it's different from counseling or therapy. One common - and wrong - distinction I hear a lot is that counselors work with people who are struggling with problems or mental illness, and coaches work with people are healthy. I need to say this clearly - this is NOT true! Even trained mental health professionals buy into this false distinction. Another thing I hear a lot is that coaches set measurable goals and counselors' goals are less well-defined. Again, simply not true. There are many, many other misconceptions, and I hope to clear up these and a few others in this post.

Let's talk about the first misconception. It's half true - coaches do work with people who are not experiencing emotional difficulties or mental illness. They are not trained to do so, and are not licensed or supervised in doing so. However, the other half - that counselors don't work with those who are healthy - is simply not true. The reality is that counselor's and psychologist's training makes them very qualified and trained to do coaching. Dr. Michael Bader, a licensed psychologist, points out that:

The biggest difference between coaching and therapy, in my view, is that the theory that guides my work as a therapist can explain how coaching does or does not work, while theories that guide coaches can't do the same about therapy. (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-is-he-thinking/200904/the-difference-between-coaching-and-therapy-is-greatly-overstated)

Another, similar distinction is that therapists and counselors work with the past, and coaches work with the future. Again, this simplistic division simply isn't true. Let me give you an example. In the therapy I do, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), we focus specifically on how to manage situations that are likely to happen in the future. While I do sometimes explore the past in terms of how it affects my client's current level of functioning when it's relevant, the work I do specifically involves working toward making a better future. Cogntive behavioral therapy in general has this orientation. It''s simply untrue that counselors don't focus on the future.

The second misconception - that coaches set measurable, time-limited goals and therapists don't - again, simply is not true. Therapy works best if client and therapist work together to set exactly these kind of goals. That's how we measure progress. Many therapists I know will assess their client's sense of whether or not they are achieving their goals every session or every few sessions. Tied into this misconception is the idea that therapy is long-term and coaching is not. Again - many good systems of therapy (solution-focused therapy for example) work best with a time-limited model.

Many coaches like to point to specialized training they have worked on. As a psychologist, I very much appreciate the effort these coaches have made to educate themselves and work in an ethical manner. Professionals like these are a credit to their profession. However, coaching as a whole has not licensure, certification or even educational requirements. There is no professionally agreed upon code of ethics. Because of this lack of centralized standards and ethical principles, engaging a coach is a risk.

Please don't get me wrong - there are many, many wonderful, trained and ethical coaches out there. There are also some great training programs out there. The International Coaching Federation has made an effort to create a code of ethics and implement standardized training. I think this is a wonderful start. However: The ICF has no authority to implement these standards to the field as a whole. There are no licensing requirements. I hope that will change in the future, and believe that it will. Until then, however, there is a wide range of traininig programs ranging from in-depth programs requiring supervision to simple online classes with no practice component. At this point in time, they can all claim to be "coach training programs" with equal legal standing.

The fact of the matter is that counselors and psychologists are highly trained. They have engaged in in-depth coursework, practicum and internship experiences during which they get real-life experience, and supervision. They are licensed, and regulated by licensing boards and codes of ethics. Because of these safeguards, there is more consistency and safety for you, the consumer.

So, let's get at the issue of how this works. Coaching is focused on helping you identify and make movement toward reaching your goals. So is therapy. Coaches are trained (ideally, but not necessarily) in helping you set and achieve these goals, through specific techniques including targeted and open questions, activities, and developing insight. Counselors and psychologists can do this too. The truth of the matter is that a trained and licensed counselor can do anything and everything that a coach can do. Coaches, however, are not able to do everything a counselor or psychologist can do. Coach trainer Barbara Silva said:

As a coach trainer this is an issue I discuss quite a bit with my students. The biggest difference as I see it is that a therapist may address both coaching and therapeutic issues whereas the coach must remain within the coaching realm, staying away from clinical issues. From the client's point of view, it's more about their perspective on the kind of assistance they need.

The two professions work well together and the key is to collaborate, so that the client gets the best support possible. I've noticed a growing number of therapists in my classes who are interested in learning new coaching techniques. Some are pursuing the Board Certified Coach credential via the Center for Credentialing and Education and the National Board of Certified Counselors. I see a great future for both disciplines." (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-is-he-thinking/200904/the-difference-between-coaching-and-therapy-is-greatly-overstated/comments)

The last misconception I want to address is one that I have to admit bugs me because it strikes at the heart of my work. I read a lot that coaching is a wellness model, while therapy is a treatment. Reality: Many, many therapists (myself included) adopt a wellness model. Focusing only on the negative and on how to fix what is wrong does not help over the long term. Focusing on wellness, and healing, and health is an important aspect of therapy.

So, the bottom line is that really is not much of a difference except training. (I know that there may be coaches that take issue with this, but the evidence is pretty clear.) Therapists and psychologists can do anything and everything a coach can do, because they are trained, they work with wellness as well as problems, and they use many of the same techniques, methods, and models.

If you are interested in working with a coach, check out the International Coaching Federation for their training and ethical guidelines: http://www.coachfederation.org. They are an excellent resource, and can refer you to well-trained and ethical coaches. If you are interested in working with a psychologist or counselor, ask them if they do coaching - many do!

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

© 2014 Dr. Laura Burlingame-Lee, Ph.D.

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Some Journaling Prompts to Get You Started:

7/14/2014

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A lot of these exercises come from my various books on Journaling - if I know the source, I'll let you know:

From: "How You Do Anything is How You Do Everything" (Cheri Huber)
What book, song, or movie best describes your life?
What would it take for you to be truly happy?
What makes you feel insecure, and what makes you feel secure?
What is the most important thing in your life, and why?

Laura's Ideas (Things that may show up in my e-book):
-"If you could write a story with yourself as the hero, what would the story be about?" Write that story.
-What mythological stories seem to speak to you? Write a myth incorporating the pieces that speak for you, and make yourself the hero/main character. What happens?
-"If there was one thing in the world that symbolized "you" - who you are, what you want to be, where you've come from, etc - what would that symbol be? Draw it.
-Create a mandala using your personal symbol
-Create pictures of the positive and negative sides of yourself. If these were masks, what would they look like? Make the mask, if you feel like it.
-Write a poem about something in nature, or about something in the world that you love
-Write a poem about your pain - loneliness, sadness, trauma - use the poem to transform the pain and yourself.
-Create a collage of things you enjoy doing
-Write yourself (or someone else) a note using only cut out letters from magazines and/or papers.
-Doodle with words, for example, outline your hand with your journal entry
-use stickers, ephemera - all that great stuff scrapbookers use. Try to use it in a different way
-Get a template or draw a blank jigsaw puzzle - make a puzzle of you - what are the pieces that make up who you are?
-Use the puzzle template to create poetry - photocopy several of them and print words in each piece. Put the puzzle together different ways for a found poem.

From "One to One" (Christina Baldwin)
-What don't you give yourself permission to write about? Why? What would it take for you to be able to write about it? Write about it!
-What kind of privacy do you need to write? Is your journal a public work of art? (Some are, some aren't). How can you/do you keep your private stuff private?
-Write some of the stories of your family and childhood in the third person - as stories. Do you feel any different about them after writing them this way?
-What are you supposed to be like?
-What would your family or friends think if they knew you _______?
-If your life were a fairy tale, what would happen?
-Describe a recent dream and its meaning for you

From "Life's Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Quest" (Christina Baldwin)
-Write out a prayer to whatever Creator/Supreme Being you believe in
-What were the questions you had about faith when you were a child? What are your questions now? Write them out
-If you didn't already know who you are, who would you ask? What would you ask them, and what would they say? Write out the conversation
-What is sacred to you?
-How do you let go of control and let in faith/grace/your Higher Power?
-List everything love provides in your life

From "Keeping a Journal You Love" (Sheila Bender)
-Write a letter to someone you love and tell them why you love them. (Laura's note: Write that letter to yourself and say why you're worthwhile and deserving of love)
-Tell a story about something that happened during your day- describe the buildings, the environment, the people as well as the event. Use detail, adjectives - bring it to life

From "The Creative Journal" (Lucia Cappachione - this is one of my favorites)
-Draw how you feel
-What do your inner and outer selves look like at this time? How are they different?
-Draw a timeline of your life history
-Draw how you see yourself.
-What do you believe about yourself, about the world, about the people around me?
-What are your beliefs about life in general?
-If some of these are negative, what would it take to change them to a positive view?
-Create a mandala for yourself
-How do you nurture, care for, and/or soother yourself? What keeps you from being able to do that? What would help change it, so that you could take better care of yourself?
-Draw one of your dreams - what symbols seem to come out at you? Draw those and journal about what they mean to you.

These are great ideas - if you have others to share or other resources to share, I'd love to see what you've got as well. There are also some great websites out there with journaling prompts - you can google "journaling prompts" to get some of them.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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Word Power: Journaling as a Tool

7/14/2014

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In my attempt to turn the mood around here a bit, I thought I'd write about one of my favorite wellness tools: Journaling. I have to start by saying that my definition of what makes a "journal" is pretty broad - for years I kept a copy paper box full of file folders with inspiring articles, pictures, quotes - and my comments on them. That, for a while, was my "journal." My bottom line in terms what constitutes a "journal" is that it's anything you want it to be. If you call it a "journal," then in my book, it's a journal. Period. There are way too many things in our lives and our worlds that end up being judged - the last thing we need judged is our creative and psychological expressions. Make it whatever you want it to be!

Today, my journals tend to be a little more traditional, but that doesn't mean that I don't branch out on occasion. I usued to keep a "creative journal" which used to be a page-a-day appointment book - I used the pages as something on which to mount my creative expressions. I've been feeling "blocked" creatively for the last couple of months, so there hasn't been anything new to add, but I'm hoping that I'll let loose with a barrage of visual creativity here soon.

I also keep a "regular" journal in one of those cheap composition books that you can buy in the grocery store. This is really my therapeutic journal. When I have trouble thinking straight or am feeling overwhelmed, this is the spot where it all comes out. For me, my creative journal is my "public" journal - if anyone sees it, it's not that big of a deal (after all, I posted pictures of it - how picky can I be?). My "regular" journal is a different story, though. This is the private stuff. When I'm really having a tough time coping, I get this out and write until I can't write anymore. If you're going to do this kind of writing, make sure you feel safe, or that you have some safety to do it. You may want or need to hide, lock up, or keep your journal in a place you feel is safe.

I'm not kidding about that either - once I was so overwhelmed and feeling so down that I wrote for nine straight pages! I've found that there are some incredible books and systems for journaling - my advice would be to do what works for you. That's an important point, because there's a perception that there are a lot of rules to follow, like you should write every day, or write for a certain amount of time or a certain number of pages. It's really important to do what works for YOU. Forget the rules, and forget the shoulds. Let yourself play, too - this can be fun as well as insightful!

I don't put any pressure on myself to write every day, or to write about a certain topic - my journal is MY expression. If you're the kind of person who thinks journaling would help you, I would encourage you to do this - again, do what works for you. Some people have spent lots of money and taken lots of courses on certain systems, like the Progoff system. Others, myself included, buy tons of books on writing and journaling. Other people simply just do it. Some people keep one journal and work through one book at a time. Other people have three or four going at once.

The point here is that this is a tool to help you cope, to help you feel better, and to help you deal with the world around you in a healthy way. It's a tool to help you get to know yourself, and to have a safe place to vent, let off steam, ponder deep thoughts, record your history - whatever you want to make it. This is not the only tool, by far - but it is a very helpful one.

The hard thing is that I see so many people start this, and then quit because they think they are "not doing it right" or read something that makes them feel they are "not good enough." Frankly, as a journal-ist AND as a mental health professional, I can honestly tell you that there IS no one, right or true way to do this. Anything you do here IS good enough, because it's an expression of who you are, where you are in your life, and what you're dealing with.

And if it helps you cope and feel better - as well as be a better person, than it is good enough, right enough, and healthy. If it appeals to you, look up journal prompts, or join a site with an ongoing journal support group. One of my projects that I have going is writing an e-book of journal prompts. I'm excited about it, and hope to offer it in time for the new year.

Whatever you do, do what works. It's effective, and it's healthy.

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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Depression - Dealing with and Taming the Beast Within

7/14/2014

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I think I mentioned this story in another post, but I'll tell it here again because I really like the analogy. This was written by a teenage girl who had been dealing with chronic depression. She wrote that it starts with having a bad day. Everyone has bad days, though, right? You don't think about it too much, and go on living your life. Ok, so you have a few more bad days mixed in here and there, but again - everyone has bad days, so it's nothing to really worry about...Then you realize that you're having more bad days than not, but you don't want to think about it because it might jinx you and bring on more bad days - everyone knows that if you let it get to you, then it gets worse, right? So...finally you realize that the bad days are winning - you feel awful, life doesn't seem to have a whole lot of purpose and the future looks bleak. You realize that the beast has caught up with you again, and that you're depressed.

Depression feels like a heavy weight, a wet blanket, and day upon day of lousy weather all rolled into one. AND, it's more than that. To use the example of an antidepressant commercial, depression hurts in a lot of ways - physically, emotionally, mentally, and interpersonally. You feel rotten, it's hard to think clearly and/or move, life sucks and nobody around you seems to understand or care, or care enough. You feel like things will never change or get better. It's bleak.

I'm not going to lie and say there's an easy way out - there isn't. Honestly, what I've found works the best is a combination of medication and psychotherapy, and I'll tell you why. From what I've seen, it's like fixing a house with a cracked foundation. Having the foundation cracked doesn't mean that the house is broken or useless - far from it. It means that some repair work needs to be done, and that the house can be and is worthy of saving.

So...to begin the repairs, you first have to shore up the house, right? Using medications is like shoring up the foundation - it helps get the biological, chemical piece working again so you can get at the root cause and work on that. That's where psychotherapy comes in. Even if there is no deep, dark past to examine, therapy can help you figure out what triggers depression for you, how to recognize it and the warning signs, how to cope when it hits, and how to let other people know how to help you. Therapy also gives you a chance to really let loose and talk about what it's like to feel and deal with depression - with someone who's not going to judge you, tell you to "pull yourself out of it," or try to fix your problems for you. It will give you someone to talk to, who's got some training in how to deal with it, and can help you develop and practice skills for dealing with it.

Now, that said, I realize that for some people depression is more biochemical than anything else - therapy can help you too, though - in the ways I mentioned above. If you do happen to have things in your past that are affecting your mood, therapy will almost certainly help you with that - but you don't have to have had trauma, abuse, or other painful past experiences in order to benefit from therapy.

Ok, before I start sounding too much like an informercial...what can you do on your own? As trite as it sounds, I usually recommend that people start at the beginning. Accept the reality that you're dealing with depression. For some people, that alone is a huge step - there is still stigma out there about "mental illness" and many people don't understand what depression is, or how it affects you. So, accept reality and then realize you have a choice in how you're going to deal with it. (Yeah, I'm taking a page from my DBT training - radical acceptance again!)

Dealing with depression takes a LOT of energy. Depression is a condition that saps your strength - emotionally and physically. It feels sometimes like you're trying to slog through thick, sticky mud and is every bit as exhausting. You can choose, though, whether you're going to stay in it or not, and there are consequences either way.

Choosing to try to move out of it means choosing that you're going to move, even if it's just a little bit. It's a form of opposite action. It may mean something as simple as getting up and taking a shower, or making yourself go outside for a few minutes.I tell the people I work with that I don't underestimate how much of an accomplishment getting out of bed is. It might be the only major movement someone has made in days or weeks. Moving may mean more - calling a friend, a doctor, or someone you trust and asking for help (and believe me, I know that's HUGE.) Either way - if you're going to choose to deal with it, it means YOU have to do something. And, as I always say (and mean), seeking help really is a sign of strength, and not a weakness in any way, shape, or form. Moving - and then moving consistently are important parts of this process.

If you choose not to deal with it, then you have to be willing to take those consequences - it may mean that someone else has to make decisions for you, if you're not able to do so. It may mean giving up some control so that someone can get help for you...it may even mean hospitalization for some.

One thing I want to make crystal clear here is that I don't think that being hospitalized is shameful. In fact, I believe that it's helpful, and that getting well and being able to function is the goal - and I realize that there are many of you who disagree with me, and I respect your right to do so. After all - I'm not walking in your shoes. However, if you're not able to or are unwilling to make decisions for your care - or if you're self-harming or threatening to self-harm, hospitalization is a possible outcome for your safety and well-being.

The point of all this is that I'm assuming you don't want to deal with feeling depressed. You can't control what's coded in your genes, but you can choose how you're going to deal with it. And I'm not saying that positive thinking, affirmations, etc. are going to magically pull you out of it. These may help, but depression is a lot more complicated than just negative thinking. You can choose to shore up your foundation with meds, or you can choose not to. You can choose to use therapy, or not. You can choose a combination of the two - the point is, you have a choice.

When you're in the throes of a major depression, it may not feel like you have any choices, or that no matter what you do it's not going to work. This is where you have to use your active trust - your emotions are not necessarily giving you the best information, and you may have to let your head overrule your heart on this one. Get help if you need it, and help yourself. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, any more than kidney disease or diabetes is. It's a treatable condition, and there is hope.

Does getting help mean it's going away for good? For some people, maybe...for others it means that the beast is pushed away again for a while, but will keep following you. For you...well, learning about your triggers, symptoms, etc will help you. Learning this stuff also helps you feel more in control and stronger - nice side effect, huh? One great program, developed by a lady who both does therapy and has bipolar disorder is called the "WRAP program."

WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) is a system that helps you recognize your triggers and symptoms, and put into place a plan to help yourself feel better. If that plan doesn't work, WRAP also helps you develop a plan that tells who you want involved in your care, how you want to be treated, and who can make decisions for you. It's a great system, and Mary Ellen Copeland (the creator) has some great articles on her website: www.mentalhealthrecovery.com. The purpose of WRAP? "Getting well and staying well." Copeland is also the author of several wonderful self-help books/workbooks for coping with depression and manic-depression - her work is widely respected and used. (I highly recommend her books both to clients and non-clients.)

So, bottom line is that even if it feels like there is nothing you can do or that nothing you do works or has an effect, there ARE things that will help. Talking to a therapist (heck, talking to someone you trust, period!), working with medications, using some great self-help resources, and your own strength all help. (And yes, you ARE strong - it takes a lot of energy to deal with this!) Cognitive behavioral therapy is one route that seems to help a lot of people - Copeland's books actually use a lot of CBT-style work. DBT skills help too - trying them won't hurt, and you have a lot to possibly gain.

Just remember - you're not alone, even if it may feel that way. There are many, many people who are dealing with and have dealt with depression. I have tremendous respect and admiration for those of you dealing with this, whatever the root cause may be. It takes a lot of energy and strength, and pulling yourself out takes even more. You're not alone - really.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, or are thinking about hurting yourself, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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You Are Not Your Mood

7/14/2014

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Emotions are weird. They have a way of changing so fast we hardly know what hit us, and they can change our outlook on a situation, person or perception nearly as quickly. It helps to remember that as much as our emotions affect us, they do not define us. We are more than our emotions.

A few months ago, I struggled with this. I was feeling down - I was being impatient and it seemed like nothing was going right. Now, if you've been reading these blogs, you know as well as I do, that this is not the case. Red Flag #1 - feeling down about things does NOT mean that the feeling is reality. Ok, good enough - and I was still feeling lousy.

So, I thought...if I were the client, what would I be doing in therapy? (Yeah, I know... I'm a therapy geek.) Most likely, I'd be looking at the situation and testing out whether my emotions were really reflecting reality, or whether they were masking reality. How do you do this?

Marsha Linehan has a really cool tool that she uses in DBT called "chain analysis." You start with the event, behavior or situation that was the problem. In my case, I looked back to when I started feeling down, and the even had nothing to do with what seemed to be the situation. I was feeling lonely on the afternoon before, because I couldn't reach my family members to talk. That spiraled into feeling somewhat depressed. Specifically, I remember thinking, "I guess no one wants to talk to me. I might as well not exist." Red Flag #2: I was getting caught up in "Stinkin' Thinking."

In doing a chain analysis, you identify the event/situation that started the problem, describe the event, including what you were feeling and/or thinking at the time or what you did as a result of what you felt, and then describe how intensely you behaved, thought, or felt. In my case, the loneliness, sense of failure and depression were pretty strong. I ended up thinking, "I"m never going to be able to do this. I might as well just quit." Red Flag #3 - Stinkin' Thinking again. The idea here is that you want to describe all this in as much detail as you possibly can. Here's a good litmus test: Could someone recreate *exactly* what you went through? If so, then you've done it.

Next, you describe what led up to the feeling, thoughts, or behavior. In my case, not being able to talk to someone was the situation. This "precipitating event" (also called a "prompting event") is usually what we point to when we say that "such and such" caused the problem.

From here, you do a detailed description of all the things that affected the situation - Linehan calls them "vulnerability factors." In my case, I was tired from not sleeping well, I still had an annoying cough from a cold and didn't feel well, I was stressed by all the details stemming from running a new business as well as being worried about several emotionally intense client situations. I was overwhelmed, tired and not feeling good. I was also feeling emotionally exhausted by family situations and childcare issues.

Ok, here's where chain analysis gets tedious - you describle in minute, excruciatingly clear detail the chain of events - starting with the all the way at the beginning with precipitating event(s) and going all the way to the consequences. Ok - here goes: I called my mother and got her answering machine. I then called each of my sisters in turn and had the same result. I started feeling like I didn't matter. I called my husband, who was out at the park with our kids, and he didn't pick up. I started feeling depressed, and went to work on my task list for this week concerning my business and the paperwork I had to complete. Looking at the things I had to do, I felt overwhelmed and incompetent, and felt more depressed. I remember thinking, "Why bother?" and which led to a deeper negative mood. The consequences were that I was not present when my husband did come home and wanted to talk. Right then, I just wanted to be left alone to marinate in my own misery.

At that point, I recognized what was going on, and took steps to counteract the mood. The last step in the process is to describe in detail a prevention strategy and what you are going to do to repair negative consequences that resulted from your behavior or mood. In my case, my prevention strategy was stay mindful of my moods and to write. Writing in my journal, for me, is a safe place to vent and analyze what's going on. When I write, I feel better and so that's a good strategy for me to use. I can also go for a walk, and/or do something artistic. I could take a bubble bath, or have a hot cup of tea. Those are all things that help me - developing a list of what helps you will help you have something to turn to when you get feeling low. Nurturing and caring for yourself really IS important and necessary.

Luckily, the interpersonal consequences here were small. I went upstairs and apologized to my husband, and explained what was going on. I also told him that I needed some extra time to myself to write and sort out the depressed feelings.

If you're interested in more information on doing a chain analysis, you can go to a great website called DBT Self Help (www.dbtselfhelp.com) to get an idea of what this might look like in therapy or in practice. This website has an incredible array of tools, worksheets, handouts and articles.

Hope this helps - DBT helps with a lot of things - I highly recommend looking into it. Even if you don't go for it, learning about these coping tools and other tools available to you can help you get through these tough situations.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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Loneliness: When the World Seems to Go On Without You

7/14/2014

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Loneliness is something we've all probably experienced at one time or another, and quite frankly it sucks. In my experience, feeling lonely is one of the most intensely uncomfortable, depressing, and isolating feelings that exists. When you're feeling lonely, it seems that the world is going on around you, and that you're invisible or worse, that no one cares.

I mark a difference between loneliness and solitude. Solitude is when YOU want be be alone - it's a very different thing from wanting to be around others but not being able to. There are many reasons for loneliness, among them shyness or social anxiety, or depression and/or thinking that no one wants to be around you (Remember the "stinkin' thinking"? This is an example).

Feeling lost in the crowed or different from everyone around you is a factor. Loneliness can come up in different situations - when you're single among couples, childless among families, ill or emotionally traumatized around people who seem healthier than you, a member of a minority group surrounded by the majority...there are any number of situations which may trigger loneliness.

There are no easy answers for changing loneliness - this is one of those situations where, if I did have a magic wand, it would be useless. (And trust me, I wish I did have one.) The basic reason there are no easy answers is because the causes are so varied. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps with some causes like social anxiety, depressive thinking, or dealing with "Shoulds" or "Stinkin' Thinking". Ok...well, that's fine and dandy. I change my thinking and I just feel better, like that?

Uh, well...not really. I wish it was that simple. CBT will help you work with your thought patterns AND with the behaviors that get in your way. This is where the "homework" stuff comes in again. If you want to counter loneliness stemming out of anxiety or depression...guess what? You have to interact with people. Typical homework assignments in this realm might be something like, "Talk to five people about a current news topic" or "Compliment 3 people sincerely." The idea here is to get you out and getting experiences that contradict your fears.

And also - loneliness is a feeling. I know...some of you are saying, "Well, DUH!" Here's the thing though - you can use your skills to deal with feelings that are overwhelming. Call it "riding the wave," DBT, Coping, Self-Care, Self-Soothing - whatever. The idea is you use the skills you've got and have learned to help yourself feel better. "Emotion Regulation" and "Distress Tolerance" have these names for a reason!

Ok, so CBT and DBT help. What if you're stuck in a situation where you really DO "stick out like a sore thumb"? Those are a little harder, to be honest. Your differences will likely be harder to hide, and it may feel as if the situation around you is moving on and leaving you behind, or worse, ignored. I can't tell you what to do in these situations, but I can share what's helped me.

First of all... if I seem to be in a completely different, alien, strange, unsual environment or group, I look around and see if there's someone else who seems something like me. By this I mean, "Is there one other person here who looks uncomfortable - for whatever reason - like I do?" If so, then I gather up my assertiveness and interpersonal effectiveness skills and introduce myself. I'll ask an open question like, "What do you think of all this?" and then LISTEN. Nine times out of ten, this helps.

Err...what about the 10th time? When the person just kind of looks at me as if I'm an alien from another planet, or as if I've just spilled spinach juice and red wine down the front of my shirt? Well..I politely say, "It was nice to meet you," and then move on to something else. At that point (and this may seem silly), I look for someone who has one thing in common with the way I look, or one thing about them that is intriguing to me - maybe it's wearing the same color, or a similar hairstyle, or style of outfit...maybe it's that the person is wearing some outrageously bright colors that I adore, or has eyes that seem to smile. SOMETHING I notice and can comment on.

Y'all are going to think that I'm a pain in the tushie with how I do things, but again, I go up and introduce myself, and say, "Those shoes are so cute! Would you mind telling me where you got them? I love those colors." Or I might say, "You know, I don't know many people here...and honestly, you look like someone I might be able to chat with. I'm Laura. What's your name?"

Here's the thing - fundamentally I am a VERY shy person. (You'd never guess it watching me now, but I swear - it's true.) It took me years of practice and yes, therapy to get over it. During this process I learned, though, that most people are generally nice. I also learned that if I say something completely stupid, or fumble for words, saying, "I feel a little awkward - I'm worried I look like a fool" and then laughing, most of the time people will laugh with me. Do they laught AT me? I'm sure some people do. I know for a fact when I was younger, people did.

And the sad fact is that there are some people who are judgmental and mean. Appearance seems to be a particularly favored target, and it sucks. People have judged me on my appearance, both when I was thin and now that I'm fat. And you know what? I survived. No matter what other people think of me, my sense of who I am is intact. It took YEARS to get here, and I'm not going to say that other people's perceptions don't matter - they certainly do. What matters the most, though, is what YOU do and what YOU think of yourself. I decided that I would try to like myself, no matter what anyone else thought. I don't know about everyone, but for me it was a choice and a conscious decision. And it took hard work.

When you have the sense that you are not just OK, but that you are a worthwhile, interesting, and caring person, loneliness has a harder time getting in. I won't lie - it sure does get in on occasion. But - I have a stronger sense that I can do something important, that I matter, and that I have gifts and talents to share. That goes a long way in pushing loneliness out the door. Even if no one listens, or no one seems to care, I know I matter.

So, when I start feeling lonely...well, I do something to kick it on it's butt out the door. I'll go talk to someone, engage myself in something I enjoy, write, read, take a nap, go sit outside, pet my cat... you get the idea.

And you know what? You don't have to be lonely - I'll talk with you. Seriously. Send me an email message, and I'll get in touch. I know how hard it is to feel lonely, and I want you to know that you're not alone. Really.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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It's the Little Things...

7/14/2014

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Have you ever noticed how something small can be a "tipping point" that changes your day from "good" to "bad" in an instant? It can be a critical comment from someone at work, or a family member saying or doing something that makes you pause and think, "Wow...that was out of line." It can be something impersonal, like getting flipped off or cut off in traffic because someone else is in a hurry and not driving carefully...there are any number of things that can really mess up our day, and leave us feeling drained, irritated and/or angry, and feeling like everything's going downhill.

Frankly, it sucks. We've all been there, and know what it's like. I'm not going to lie and say I never get stuck in it. It's easy to let things add up and take over, and may feel like we're riding a wild, out-of-control, roller coaster. So, what do you do? Well...as usual, there are some answers and tips from the therapeutic couch that may help. These aren't necessarily the only things you can do, or "THE ULTIMATE COSMIC ANSWER" - rather, they're things you can try to help YOU feel better. Unfortunately, there's no magic wand to change the world around you, and we can't make your husband/kid/boss/coworker/"idiot on the road" change. That's just beyond our control. (In therapy I sometimes take a kid's pretend magic want, whap it on the table or chair and say, "See? It's broken - it doesn't work! NOW what do we do?")

Well...now what do we do? The first thing, in my experience, is to try and separate yourself from what's going on. You can't make your boss be nice, or make that person on the road or in the grocery store be polite and reasonable. You can't make your family members stop making comments about your appearance. However, you can set up some good boundaries and realize that you don't have to allow them to get you upset. I'll fully admit, though - some situations are easier to do this with than are others.

Easier said than done, isn't it? Trust me, I know - from tons of personal experience myself. And yet, it's important to know what's your stuff and what's their stuff. (Remember the definition of a boundary? It's where you end and I begin.) Eastern faith traditions call this compassionate detachment - you can look at what's going on and realize (or even say to yourself) that "this is what's going on for him or her. If I have something to apologize for, I can do it. But their anger or their irritation is NOT me."

It sounds a little weird, I'll admit. And it does take practice to become a habit. But if you think about it, it's incredibly freeing to realize that you're not responsible for someone else's anger, or even their feelings in general. Now, don't get me wrong - certainly what we say or do affects the way other people feel - this isn't a "get out of jail free" card to say or do whatever you want. In fact, our actions can be the tipping point for someone else - so it pays to watch what you say and do as well.

Anyway - realizing that you are separate from someone else's emotional reaction can help you deal with what's going on in a more rational "wise mind" kind of way. (If you don't know what "wise mind" is, see the post for DBT Skills, Part 1 )

So, knowing what's you and what isn't you helps. Another trick from the DBT bag is to try "opposite action" - this is where you do the exact opposite of what you want to do (part of the DBT Emotion Regulation skills). I know...it sounds hard, and it is. When you want to spit back a sarcastic response, you instead say something nice. "Thanks for your input. I hope you have a great day from here on." It might be the last thing in the world that you want to do - and it does help. You'll have to trust me on this one - but think of it this way - if nothing else, it confuses the heck out of the other person!

Another thing to do is just take a quick breathing break - practice distress tolerance skills (another DBT post: Distress Tolerance Skills) or relaxation and stress reduction skills: breathing, distracting yourself, self-soothing (a coffee or tea break can work wonders), a little bit of exercise (say a walk at lunch), or anything that helps you feel better (and doesn't harm anyone - including the person who ticked you off to start with ;p ). All these things can help. Finally - all the CBT stuff I talked about earlier will also help.

These may not completely turn around your day, but they can help you feel better. The key point is to remember that you don't have to let someone else's bad mood or bad day ruin yours. So...have a great day, and remember that someone out here is rooting for you!

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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Tough Times, Resiliency, and The Power of Each Other

7/14/2014

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I've been thinking lately about how things are going here in our world, and I know that life doesn't always fall into these neat little packages, situations, diagnoses - whatever way you can think of to make life seem "simple." Right now, life is tough - financially and societally. Pensions and 401-Ks, the ones that still exist anyway, are pretty much looted and worth (at best) half of what they were. The job market reeks. These are tough times. The world we were raised in, or the world in which our parents were raised- where job loyalty meant employer loyalty, a handshake could really seal a deal, and where anothers' word meant something - just doesn't exist anymore. Life, and the world around us has changed.

And yet I'm finding that even with the hardships and overall socially negative mood, there is hope. We are, overall, a resilient people. We endure, we work, and we survive. We have hope that things won't always be this way - that's what keeps us going sometimes. I see people helping each other in parking lots, or stopping to talk to a little child. I see smiles and sharing at the parks I take my kids to. And I see things that money could never buy, like cerulean blue skies and fields bursting with the color of wildflowersa or the smile of a child and the music in the wind.

Resiliency, in my field, essentially means the ability to bounce back and thrive. I, like all of us, face situations that feel overwhelming. For many years, I was passive and simply gave up and let things happen. Not anymore - I'm going to not just bounce back, but I will thrive. I'll admit I'm scared at times. I'm scared of failing, of financial ruin, of not being good enough - things we ALL feel at one time or another. AND, I'm not going to just bounce back, I'm going to thrive. I am NOT going to let these things stop me.

Resiliency is as much stubborness and determination as anything else - we decide that we are NOT going to let the "tough times" win. I have an "art journal" that I've kept for the last few years - many pages say, "I AM going to get through this," "I am smart enough and prepared enough to do this," or "I'm NOT going to give up." It's not very artistic, but it IS a creative expression of my will and my resiliency. Remaining hopeful in the face of unrelenting discouragement is hard, but not as hard as surviving some of the situations that my friends, clients, and co-workers face. I try to remain hopeful not just for myself, but for them as well.

These are tough times - and honestly, I use every trick in my therapist's bag of tricks to get through sometimes. That's also why I'm sharing them with you - even if they don't cure all the problems, they can help you cope or feel better and have hope in the face of everything that's hard, tough, and discouraging. I go back and read some of my favorite self-help/inspirational books - stuff by Sark, Jennifer Louden and books like "Feel the Fear - and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. Another favorite is "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser. I talk with other people who have been through what I'm facing - it helps to know it CAN be done, and HAS been done. It might be tougher right, and there might be more obstacles - but it's still possible.

We are a resilient people. And we don't have to go it alone. We can be there for each other - and it doesn't have to be therapy. It can be a smile, or a "good job" or an encouragement like, "I know you can do this." It can be a compliment, or an understanding - we don't HAVE to get mad when the checkout line at the store takes forever. We can tell the cashier, "it looks like you've had a long day. I hope it gets better." The power of each other is us, folks...we can choose to help each other, or not. I can tell you, though - it's a lot easier to hide than it is to stick our necks out, AND it's a lot easier to be resilient when we're there for each other.

We don't have to go it alone - that's a powerful statement. We are NOT alone, and we won't BE alone. There are people who care, and there are people who want to help. Sometimes reaching out and asking is the scariest and hardest thing - we're risking rejection and hurt when we do. And...we don't have to go it alone. Seriously - say it: "I don't have to go it alone. I am NOT alone." It's a powerful, inspiring, comforting thought. And if you're feeling alone - write me. I know what it's like and I'll write back. You - yes, YOU - are not alone. Really.

That's what the power of each other is all about.

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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CBT: Dealing with Stinkin' Thinkin' and The Shoulds

7/14/2014

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Ok - in the last post, we ended on kind of a "down" note (reminds me of "The Empire Strikes Back - who wanted it to end with Han Solo getting iced and Luke losing his hand? C'MON!) Anyway - back to CBT...

In this post, we're going to talk about what to DO with these shoulds, absolutes, and other negative thought patterns that get in our way. CBT is, as I've mentioned, a very flexible orientation, and there are many systems of therapy that are based in CBT concepts (like DBT, for example.) So, instead of going into a whole lot of specific techniques based in one system, I'm going to touch on some general techniques that you'll find a lot of CBT therapists using. I've mentioned a few of them in the first post, but I'll review those here again.

One thing I mentioned in the first CBT post bears repeating again: this is NOT a "quick fix" solution to problems. These techniques, and change itself require commitment to practicing the techniques and to changing the way you think and interpret things. This takes time, and does not happen overnight. CBT has been accused also of being a feel-good way of saying that if you think happy you'll be happy. While this criticism has some merit, it's just not that simple. CBT does assert that if you change the way you think, you'll likely feel somewhat better, but does not promise results (like any therapy) and is way more complex than the simple "if you think better you'll feel better" platitude.

Ok - on to the nuts and bolts again. When you're involved in doing CBT or going through one of the many CBT-based workbooks you can find in the self-help section, you will see that there are many commonalities. First, you are likely to be asked to either talk about what the problem is (to help the therapist understand your interpretations and perceptions as well as your thought patterns) and/or fill out some paper-pen type questionnaires (called "inventories" in the clinical field.). These inventories will ask about a variety of symptoms (to help therapist or you get a handle on what's going on.) For example, if you come in thinking or feeling depressed, you might be given something called the "BDI" (Beck Depression Inventory - guess who developed that? ) This questionnaire asks you to rate the severity of common depressive symptoms that you might be experiencing. There are other inventories and symptom checklists that are useful as well. Well and good, so when do we get to the CBT stuff?

A-ha...remember the "B" part of CBT? That stands for "behavior" - in order to work well here, your therapist (or you, if you're working in a workbook) needs to know what you're experiencing and doing, as well as what you're thinking. There really is a reason behind the stuff we do - promise! How we act often reflects the way we're thinking - we interpret things, we feel an emotion related to the interpretation, and we act based on the interpretation and the emotion. Ok...so you've filled out the inventories, done all the paper work, described the situations and what you've been feeling - now what? That's where the "behavior" part - what we do - comes in. A lot of the "homework" and activities in CBT is, quite frankly, behavioral.

Here's where the workbooks and being in therapy differ some. The workbooks will go straight into the things that we typically call "homework," where a therapist will explore the situations more in-depth, provide support, and help you see and work with the stuff that brought you in. This is why I really recommend therapy (ok - I'm biased, too - I admit it). The workbooks can be really valuable resources; I use them myself as part of the work I do with clients sometimes. I've recommended them to clients, and I use them in session, when appropriate - they make my job easier because I don't have to reinvent the wheel here in terms of homework. BUT, they don't provide you with that ongoing sense of support and empathy that you get with a well-trained therapist. It's a choice you make, though.

When you're working with a therapist, the therapist will help you identify the thought patterns that are getting in the way for you - are you thinking in absolutist terms? Are you overwhelmed by "shoulds"? What about feeling like everyone should like you - or that you should do everything to make people like you? You get the idea...the therapist will spend time talking with you and helping you identify where your thinking and/or interpreting get in the way of you feeling better. The workbooks may have you answer a lot of fill-in-the-blank questions or do a lot of sentence completions, but the goals are the same: helping you identify the types of negative thinking or interpreting that are not helping you.

Typical homework assignments include keeping a record of your thoughts and how those thoughts affected your emotions and behavior, or keeping track of how many times you catch yourself sliding into one kind of thought pattern. There are also behavioral challenges or assignments to help you practice a new way of interacting with and intepreting the world around you. I once kept track for a week of all my "shoulds" - I filled an entire 70-page mini-notebook! It's really eye-opening when you realize how often we engage in these ways of thinking, and how much they affect our moods and behavior - which is, of course, the point of the exercise!

Next, what may happen is that you may be asked to work on contradicting or "softening" these patterns. For example, if you're overly harsh with yourself, you might be asked to come up with thoughts or phrases or sentences to tell yourself that are loving, accepting and/or nonjudgmental. If you're stuck in a pattern where you're overgeneralizing things or magnifying/minimizing, you might be asked to come up more realistic interpretations. Many times, some of this work is done in the therapy room with the therapist helping you, because for many people in therapy these thought patterns have become habits. It may have happened out of ongoing abuse or neglect - these patterns are likely part of what helped you survive, or it may be something that's resulted from some situational things going on like, "I've been out of work for a year, and I'm worried I may not have enought money left to meet my or my family's basic needs" or "I can't seem to get myself to feel better even though it's been two years since my great-aunt Clara passed away".

Situations have a LOT of power - we tend to interpret our stuff in terms of the situation ("I was speeding because I needed to get home to a sick child") but we tend not to give others the same benefit of the doubt ("They were speeding...what jerks. I bet they cut everyone off and run red lights too"). As a side note: If you've taken introductory psychology, you'll probably recognize a few concepts here: self-serving bias, fundamental attribution error, actor-observer effect...

So, your therapist may use some gentle challenges, some reflecting, some humor (when appropriate), summations, "check-ins" (making sure they understand what you're telling them), etc. In therapy, you may also use some of the "workbook techniques" - they're very useful as homework.

With both the workbooks and in therapy, you'll also examine what triggers the thoughts, the emotions, and the behaviors - you may find that a certain style of thinking or way of interpreting things is behind the way you feel or behave. Or it may be something in your environment - a certain authority figure that reminds you of someone in your past who'd been critical, or a certain place, smell, sound that triggers memories and experiences from a a traumatic event - it's hard (or even impossible) to think clearly and well when you're re-experiencing something traumatic. (Here's where working with a therapist is really helpful - the therapist can help with the PTSD symptoms as well as the cognitive stuff.) From there, you can work to change, heal and hopefully start to feel better.

One thing I want to say about triggers: If you're dealing with PTSD or things that trigger severe emotional distress, please see a therapist. The therapist can provide a safety net where you can work on and process these triggers, and can again provide support for you while you're working on these. Any time you're dealing with severe or chronic emotional distress, it's best to see a professional who can do more than anything you'd find in a workbook or web site. A therapist can also help you go more in-depth and safely explore the event(s) or trauma behind the triggers. Workbooks and web-sites can provide tremendous support and information, and they don't take the place of a really good therapist. I don't want to diss support groupgs and websites - they are incredible and filled with fantastic people who have been through, treated or supported people through some pretty traumatic stuff. However, if you're in the throes of serious distress, adding a good therapist to that mix will only help you.

Ok - back to nuts and bolts: Another area you'll want to concentrate on, again with both the self-help stuff and in therapy, is what to do to help you maintain any changes you make and/or improve on them. Changing things in your lifestyle may help (for example, if you're dealing with depression, building in some exercise into your routine will likely help you feel better), as would continuing to use some of the tools you've used in therapy (like the mood log, or examining realistic vs unrealistic thinking). These aspects of therapy or self-help can help you manage situations in the moment and help you realistically process and think about them afterward.

The nice thing about CBT is that what you do and how you do it really is individualized. It's not about unconscious motives, Oedipus complexes, penis envy or any of that - it's about what YOU can do to help yourself think in a healthy manner, feel better and change your behaviors so that you're interacting with the world in a way that creates a better life for you. It's not a one-size-fits-all orientation either - CBT, through research, is always working to incorporate things that help and are validated by research. That said, sometimes it can seem "manualized" and "remote" - if this is the case, bring up how you're feeling about it in therapy, and process that with your therapist. If you're using a workbook, ask yourself what you're hoping to see in the workbook, and where you're missing what you wanted - then get recommendations for something new, or scale down your expectations and continue to work the program. (And expectations are a whole AREA of cognitions to work on, by the way!).

So...if you have questions about specific techniques, or want to know more about a specific area of cognitions and/or disorder where CBT may be helpful, feel free to comment or send me an email. I'm always happy to help, and answer all the comments and emails I get.

Take care and think well!

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

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Why Work With a Life Coach?

What's the Difference Between Counseling and Coaching?

Some Journaling Prompts to Get You Started:

Word Power: Journaling as a Tool

Depression - Dealing with and Taming the Beast Within

You Are Not Your Mood

Loneliness: When the World Seems to Go On Without You

It's the Little Things...

Tough Times, Resiliency, and The Power of Each Other

CBT: Dealing with Stinkin' Thinkin' and The Shoulds

Laura Burlingame-Lee:

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