Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills:
Ok, now that we've gotten the basics down about what DBT is, and what the basis underlying all the skills is (Mindfulness), let's review the other sets of skills.
The second set of skills in the series is called "Interpersonal Effectiveness" because many times people with borderline personality disorder or other emotionally distressing conditions or situations have, through their behavior, pushed away the people they love and care about as well as people they need. These skills teach us how to interact with other people in a way that respects them AND gets our needs met. One thing I want to say here is that many of you have probably heard the term "manipulative" used to describe people who used certain types of behavior to get their own way and leave you (or someone else) feeling run over, used, or completely disregarded. This is a valid concern, but (and it's a big but - no pun intended ;p ) my experiences in working with people who show these behaviors have taught me that they rarely mean to cause harm, and when they do, it's usually because they don't know how to get their needs met and have lost control trying. Many times, they have learned to use these behaviors to get their needs met. Looking at it from this point of view allows us to be more sympathetic and effective when trying to help someone learn to get their needs met in a way that is less hostile or "using." Ok - stepping off my soapbox now...
An analogy I like to use is that using Interpersonal Effectiveness skills is like doing a juggling act. You have three balls in the air that you are trying to juggle: your goals/objectives, your relationships, and your self-respect. The challenge is to keep all the balls in the air. Sometimes, however, a ball has to drop and that's where prioritizing comes in. You need to know what your priorities are - sometimes it will be your goals, sometimes your relationships, and sometimes your self-respect. The overall goal is to reach/achieve your goals and/or objectives, while keeping the relationship(s) for as long as you need or want to, while keeping or enhancing your self-respect.
Interpersonal Effectiveness skills are divided into roughly four skills sets: Attending to Relationships, Balancing Priorities vs. Demands, Balancing the Wants-to-Shoulds, and Building Mastery and Self-Respect. The basic goals of these skills are to get your needs met ("objectives effectiveness"), keep or enhance relationships ("relationship effectiveness") and keep and develop respect for yourself ("self-respect effectiveness.) These skills especially help you develop and maintain appropriate boundaries with other people. One thing to remember is that in DBT, when we refer to "relationships," we are not just referring to intimate, emotionally-deep relationships. Here, a "relationship" is any interaction between you and another person (or several other people). A relationship can be an intimate partnership, or it can be a quick interaction with the cashier at the grocery store. The goal is to keep the relationships long enough to get your needs/goals met and keep your self-respect. In my groups, I include a separate session just for boundaries. In Linehan's 2nd edition, there is more material on boundaries in this section than there has been in the past.
One ot the things you do in this module is discuss the things that get in the way of these goals. Things like not knowing what to do, worrying/anxiety, emotional expressions that intimidate, anger or threaten others, etc are all things that get in the way. The next thing you do is examine and challenge some of the thoughts that get in the way, such as, "I can't say no, that's selfish." (The challege might be, "I can say no when saying no is the right thing for me to do" or something similar.)
From there, you can work on developing strategies for knowing when to say "yes" or "no" to requests, and working on some practice situations where you quite literally practice saying appropriate "yeses" and "nos." While this might seem very basic, consider for a moment how often there is pressure to say "yes" to something you don't want to do or that is not helpful to you, or to say "no" to someone else. It's not as easy as it sounds.
In this module, you also discuss Linehan's mnemonic phrase for remembering the "getting what you want" skills, "DEAR MAN." As you'll notice, the mindfulness skills are built right in: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, (stay) Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate. The "keeping your relationships" skills are included here, "GIVE." (Be) Gentle, (act) Interested, Validate, and (use an) Easy manner. Finally, you sum up with the "keeping your self-respect" skills: "FAST." (Be) Fair, (no) Apologies (meaning don't overly or inappropriately apologize), Stick to values, and (be) Truthful.
Throughout all these learning sessions, you are also practicing these skills in your real life and environment. You continue to work on the diary card, and complete "homework" assignments to discuss at the next group.
Next: Emotion Regulation Skills If you have any comments or questions, please feel free to contact me: [email protected]
Please Note: The content in these articles is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.
If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help.
The second set of skills in the series is called "Interpersonal Effectiveness" because many times people with borderline personality disorder or other emotionally distressing conditions or situations have, through their behavior, pushed away the people they love and care about as well as people they need. These skills teach us how to interact with other people in a way that respects them AND gets our needs met. One thing I want to say here is that many of you have probably heard the term "manipulative" used to describe people who used certain types of behavior to get their own way and leave you (or someone else) feeling run over, used, or completely disregarded. This is a valid concern, but (and it's a big but - no pun intended ;p ) my experiences in working with people who show these behaviors have taught me that they rarely mean to cause harm, and when they do, it's usually because they don't know how to get their needs met and have lost control trying. Many times, they have learned to use these behaviors to get their needs met. Looking at it from this point of view allows us to be more sympathetic and effective when trying to help someone learn to get their needs met in a way that is less hostile or "using." Ok - stepping off my soapbox now...
An analogy I like to use is that using Interpersonal Effectiveness skills is like doing a juggling act. You have three balls in the air that you are trying to juggle: your goals/objectives, your relationships, and your self-respect. The challenge is to keep all the balls in the air. Sometimes, however, a ball has to drop and that's where prioritizing comes in. You need to know what your priorities are - sometimes it will be your goals, sometimes your relationships, and sometimes your self-respect. The overall goal is to reach/achieve your goals and/or objectives, while keeping the relationship(s) for as long as you need or want to, while keeping or enhancing your self-respect.
Interpersonal Effectiveness skills are divided into roughly four skills sets: Attending to Relationships, Balancing Priorities vs. Demands, Balancing the Wants-to-Shoulds, and Building Mastery and Self-Respect. The basic goals of these skills are to get your needs met ("objectives effectiveness"), keep or enhance relationships ("relationship effectiveness") and keep and develop respect for yourself ("self-respect effectiveness.) These skills especially help you develop and maintain appropriate boundaries with other people. One thing to remember is that in DBT, when we refer to "relationships," we are not just referring to intimate, emotionally-deep relationships. Here, a "relationship" is any interaction between you and another person (or several other people). A relationship can be an intimate partnership, or it can be a quick interaction with the cashier at the grocery store. The goal is to keep the relationships long enough to get your needs/goals met and keep your self-respect. In my groups, I include a separate session just for boundaries. In Linehan's 2nd edition, there is more material on boundaries in this section than there has been in the past.
One ot the things you do in this module is discuss the things that get in the way of these goals. Things like not knowing what to do, worrying/anxiety, emotional expressions that intimidate, anger or threaten others, etc are all things that get in the way. The next thing you do is examine and challenge some of the thoughts that get in the way, such as, "I can't say no, that's selfish." (The challege might be, "I can say no when saying no is the right thing for me to do" or something similar.)
From there, you can work on developing strategies for knowing when to say "yes" or "no" to requests, and working on some practice situations where you quite literally practice saying appropriate "yeses" and "nos." While this might seem very basic, consider for a moment how often there is pressure to say "yes" to something you don't want to do or that is not helpful to you, or to say "no" to someone else. It's not as easy as it sounds.
In this module, you also discuss Linehan's mnemonic phrase for remembering the "getting what you want" skills, "DEAR MAN." As you'll notice, the mindfulness skills are built right in: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, (stay) Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate. The "keeping your relationships" skills are included here, "GIVE." (Be) Gentle, (act) Interested, Validate, and (use an) Easy manner. Finally, you sum up with the "keeping your self-respect" skills: "FAST." (Be) Fair, (no) Apologies (meaning don't overly or inappropriately apologize), Stick to values, and (be) Truthful.
Throughout all these learning sessions, you are also practicing these skills in your real life and environment. You continue to work on the diary card, and complete "homework" assignments to discuss at the next group.
Next: Emotion Regulation Skills If you have any comments or questions, please feel free to contact me: [email protected]
Please Note: The content in these articles is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.
If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help.