Category: Acceptance

Struggling with a "New Normal"

7/25/2022

Let's be honest - No one wants a "new normal." I was working with the idea of "new normal" long before the pandemic hit, but since the beginning of the COVID pandemic, the idea of adjusting to a "new normal" has become more universal. Since I moved to Boise, I've been working with neurological injuries and conditions, and one important aspect of coming to terms with these conditions is adjusting to changes brought on by illness or injury. These injuries and conditions turn peoples' lives inside out and upside down, and adjusting to the changes is an ongoing process. No matter what caused the injury or condition, the adjustment process seems to have some stages in common, similar to a grief process. We are seeing a similar process in people who have survived COVID and societally in our cultural reaction to the pandemic.

Photo by Kindel Media: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-in-white-v-neck-t-shirt-smiling-7298391/

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Me. Myself, & I: Identity & the Characters We Love, Pt. 2

9/19/2017

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"Super Child" by George Hodan, http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=37459&picture=super-child

So, last time I mentioned that there was a way to bring the characteristics and qualities of your favorite fictional characters into your real life. Today, I'll discuss how you do that. This is the fun part! The first thing we need to do is know who we're working with. A note of caution: Please don't use this exercise to sort through trauma memories, unless you have the support of a therapist or someone you trust completely! This exercise is not meant for processing PTSD or other trauma.

Let's start by picking out the fictional character that you most admire and that you feel like you most relate to. If you can't decide on one, pick a second, but don't pick more than two - it will get difficult to analyze more than two characters at a time. If you want to go back and do this exercise later with another character, you can do that but it's really best to stick to one at a time if you can. Next, spend some time thinking about the character. What do you like best about this character, in terms of their identity or personality? Keep these qualities in mind as you answer the following questions. I've attached a handy worksheet for you if you prefer to work that way.

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Me. Myself, & I: Identity & the Characters We Love, Pt. 1

9/11/2017

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"Super Child" by George Hodan, http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=37459&picture=super-child

Have you ever wanted to be someone else? Or imagined that you were your favorite TV/book/movie character? Many people do - and have a lot of fun re-enacting or writing about their favorite characters. If you've ever read a book or watched a show and have nearly fallen in love with one of the characters, or have imagined yourself doing what they do, then you'll know what I mean.

As part of getting to know clients, I often ask who their heroes are and what they like about them. I've found that many of them admire certain personality traits or roles that these characters take on. Knowing this, I was able to work with them on consciously integrating aspects of those characters into their every day identities. This is something we all can do, and it doesn't need to be part of therapy!

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When people are just mean: How to overcome the hurt and anger

8/25/2017

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For the past two years, I've been working in nursing homes, offering counseling to seniors dealing with adjustment issues, depression, anxiety and a host of other mental health concerns. During that time, I've learned that there are people who are polite, and people who are just flat-out mean. I recently had the pleasure of trying to interview a gentleman who could not get over the idea that I was fat, and was very obnoxious about it. Factually, he is right - I am fat. I'm not upset about that - it's the judgment and cruelty in deciding that I am less of a human being because of it that was hurtful.

We'll call him "Mr. Jones" for simplicity. When I went into Mr. Jones' room to introduce myself, he immediately said, "Well, you've put on weight, haven't you?" Not hello, not "how are you," - just an immediate comment on my body. I ignored it and introduced myself and told him I was here to talk with him. He, however, could not get past my appearance. I went to sit down, and he said, "You can't sit on the furniture. You'll break it." I let him know, gently and politely, that I had been sitting on the furniture for over two years without a problem, and that I had a job to do. He said, "you're too fat." At that point, even my patience was shot. I said, "Mr. Jones, I am here as a professional and your comments are out of line. My body is not under discussion. I'll come back again on Friday, and maybe we can try this again."

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Loneliness: When the World Seems to Go On Without You

7/14/2014

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Loneliness is something we've all probably experienced at one time or another, and quite frankly it sucks. In my experience, feeling lonely is one of the most intensely uncomfortable, depressing, and isolating feelings that exists. When you're feeling lonely, it seems that the world is going on around you, and that you're invisible or worse, that no one cares.

I mark a difference between loneliness and solitude. Solitude is when YOU want be be alone - it's a very different thing from wanting to be around others but not being able to. There are many reasons for loneliness, among them shyness or social anxiety, or depression and/or thinking that no one wants to be around you (Remember the "stinkin' thinking"? This is an example).

Feeling lost in the crowed or different from everyone around you is a factor. Loneliness can come up in different situations - when you're single among couples, childless among families, ill or emotionally traumatized around people who seem healthier than you, a member of a minority group surrounded by the majority...there are any number of situations which may trigger loneliness.

There are no easy answers for changing loneliness - this is one of those situations where, if I did have a magic wand, it would be useless. (And trust me, I wish I did have one.) The basic reason there are no easy answers is because the causes are so varied. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps with some causes like social anxiety, depressive thinking, or dealing with "Shoulds" or "Stinkin' Thinking". Ok...well, that's fine and dandy. I change my thinking and I just feel better, like that?

Uh, well...not really. I wish it was that simple. CBT will help you work with your thought patterns AND with the behaviors that get in your way. This is where the "homework" stuff comes in again. If you want to counter loneliness stemming out of anxiety or depression...guess what? You have to interact with people. Typical homework assignments in this realm might be something like, "Talk to five people about a current news topic" or "Compliment 3 people sincerely." The idea here is to get you out and getting experiences that contradict your fears.

And also - loneliness is a feeling. I know...some of you are saying, "Well, DUH!" Here's the thing though - you can use your skills to deal with feelings that are overwhelming. Call it "riding the wave," DBT, Coping, Self-Care, Self-Soothing - whatever. The idea is you use the skills you've got and have learned to help yourself feel better. "Emotion Regulation" and "Distress Tolerance" have these names for a reason!

Ok, so CBT and DBT help. What if you're stuck in a situation where you really DO "stick out like a sore thumb"? Those are a little harder, to be honest. Your differences will likely be harder to hide, and it may feel as if the situation around you is moving on and leaving you behind, or worse, ignored. I can't tell you what to do in these situations, but I can share what's helped me.

First of all... if I seem to be in a completely different, alien, strange, unsual environment or group, I look around and see if there's someone else who seems something like me. By this I mean, "Is there one other person here who looks uncomfortable - for whatever reason - like I do?" If so, then I gather up my assertiveness and interpersonal effectiveness skills and introduce myself. I'll ask an open question like, "What do you think of all this?" and then LISTEN. Nine times out of ten, this helps.

Err...what about the 10th time? When the person just kind of looks at me as if I'm an alien from another planet, or as if I've just spilled spinach juice and red wine down the front of my shirt? Well..I politely say, "It was nice to meet you," and then move on to something else. At that point (and this may seem silly), I look for someone who has one thing in common with the way I look, or one thing about them that is intriguing to me - maybe it's wearing the same color, or a similar hairstyle, or style of outfit...maybe it's that the person is wearing some outrageously bright colors that I adore, or has eyes that seem to smile. SOMETHING I notice and can comment on.

Y'all are going to think that I'm a pain in the tushie with how I do things, but again, I go up and introduce myself, and say, "Those shoes are so cute! Would you mind telling me where you got them? I love those colors." Or I might say, "You know, I don't know many people here...and honestly, you look like someone I might be able to chat with. I'm Laura. What's your name?"

Here's the thing - fundamentally I am a VERY shy person. (You'd never guess it watching me now, but I swear - it's true.) It took me years of practice and yes, therapy to get over it. During this process I learned, though, that most people are generally nice. I also learned that if I say something completely stupid, or fumble for words, saying, "I feel a little awkward - I'm worried I look like a fool" and then laughing, most of the time people will laugh with me. Do they laught AT me? I'm sure some people do. I know for a fact when I was younger, people did.

And the sad fact is that there are some people who are judgmental and mean. Appearance seems to be a particularly favored target, and it sucks. People have judged me on my appearance, both when I was thin and now that I'm fat. And you know what? I survived. No matter what other people think of me, my sense of who I am is intact. It took YEARS to get here, and I'm not going to say that other people's perceptions don't matter - they certainly do. What matters the most, though, is what YOU do and what YOU think of yourself. I decided that I would try to like myself, no matter what anyone else thought. I don't know about everyone, but for me it was a choice and a conscious decision. And it took hard work.

When you have the sense that you are not just OK, but that you are a worthwhile, interesting, and caring person, loneliness has a harder time getting in. I won't lie - it sure does get in on occasion. But - I have a stronger sense that I can do something important, that I matter, and that I have gifts and talents to share. That goes a long way in pushing loneliness out the door. Even if no one listens, or no one seems to care, I know I matter.

So, when I start feeling lonely...well, I do something to kick it on it's butt out the door. I'll go talk to someone, engage myself in something I enjoy, write, read, take a nap, go sit outside, pet my cat... you get the idea.

And you know what? You don't have to be lonely - I'll talk with you. Seriously. Send me an email message, and I'll get in touch. I know how hard it is to feel lonely, and I want you to know that you're not alone. Really.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected]

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What Makes You Happy?

7/13/2014

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Here's a story: One day the Master announced that a young monk had reached an advanced state of enlightenment. The news caused some stir and some of the monks went to see their younger brother. "We heard that you are enlightened. Is it true?" they asked. "It is true," he said. They asked him, "And how do you feel?" And the younger monk replied, "As miserable as ever."

What I've found through working with and being around a lot of people is that often we don't know what makes us happy. We seek it in many places, some of them harmful when carried out to excess: drinking, substance use, gambling, spending money. We also seek it in relationships, where we yearn to be with someone who "completes" us (cue Jerry Maguire, "You complete me.") We seek it in doing things, being busy, being "successful" or as perfect as we can be - at many, many things. How often, though, do we look inside and really ask ourselves, "What makes me happy?" If you do it, the answers may surprise you.

There's a whole branch of psychology that is dedicated to understanding happiness - it's relatively new and goes under the heading "Positive psychology." Two of the leading people in this field are David Myers and Martin Seligman - both of whom wondered why psychology focused so much on the negatives. Research in this area has found that (to quote Madame de la Fayette) "if one thinks that one is happy, that is enough to be happy."

Now I know this sounds like a "pat answer platitude" that oversimplifies things. And to some extent, it is - but there is also wisdom in this saying. As I've discussed before, how we think about and perceive ourselves and the world around us affects how we feel. This is definitely true for negative emotional states like depression and anxiety, but it's also true for positive emotional states. It's not a fixed, easy answer, but rather a factor in what makes us happy.

So what are happy people like? Well, David Myers wrote in his book, The Pursuit of Happiness (1992) that the "best predictor of future well-being is past well-being" (p. 106). Does that mean if you've had a miserable, abusive, or depressed past you can't be happy? Heck no. Does it mean that it's one factor in a whole group that affect happiness - yes, and only that. Myers wrote that happy people in general tend to like themselves, feel like they can choose or have power over their destinies, are hope-filled and outgoing. Ok...this is great as far as it goes - what if you don't like yourself, feel helpless or that your life is out of control, feel like there's no hope and that you're an incurable introvert? Well, honestly - you're probably not happy.

I'll tell you that for a very long time, my self-esteem was in the toilet. I felt like I didn't have control, that the future was hopeless, that I was ugly and stupid, and that I was always going to be that way. Obviously, something changed. I won't like and say that everything is sunshiny goodness and happy-happy-joy-joy every day - that's just not realistic for anyone. Overall, though - things did change AND I still struggle with feeling the way I used to sometimes.

The thing is, changing these factors means working on change in yourself. There are certainly things in life we can't control, and we have to learn how to accept and deal with them. Changing ourselves doesn't mean putting on a mask and pretending that everything is hunky-dory fine, either, though. (I have to admit that there are days when it's pretty tempting, though.) What it means is that we learn to look at the world through a different set of lenses (not always rose-colored, either). Ok - you don't like yourself - what do other people like about you? Feel like you can't do anything right? Make yourself write a list of things you have done right. If you feel like everything is out of your control and you're helpless - examine and list everything you CAN control. For example - you can control your reactions to the world around you. Certainly others' actions, words, and ways of being affect us - BUT we choose how we react to those things.

The idea here is that we "act as if." It's a pretty well-known CBT and DBT trick - even if you're not feeling happy, act as if you are. You're not "putting on a mask" because when I say "act as if" I mean completely, fully, and totally immerse yourself in this acting. "Putting on a mask" implies just looking as if you're happy - I'm suggesting not just looking as if, but acting as if and even trying to think and feel as if. It's hard work - I won't lie, but if you try it for a little while you may be surprised at the results.

When people come to see me professionally, they (and/or others) are usually focused on what's wrong. As in, "What's wrong with me/him/her?" One of my favorite questions, when we have a certain amount of trust built is, "What's right with you?" It's a powerful question, and we almost never ask it. It's worth thinking about: What's right with you? Right here, right now. Really - what is right with YOU?

One other thing that I see a lot of people doing is looking for something outside of themselves to fill the emptiness and sadness inside. Things, substances, relationships - none of those can make you happy long-term if you're not accepting and growing inside. Again - they certainly affect how we feel, but if we're looking for things to make us happy long-term, nothing outside will ever completely work. It has to come from inside at its core. While "Jerry Maguire" and other movies may promote the idea of the relationship that fills us, in the end we have to be complete in ourselves before we can truly create a "complete" in a relationship. Asking someone else to fulfill us and fill us up is asking too much of anyone - they can't read our minds, predict what we want when we want it, or somehow just know exactly what we need - we have to communicate and reciprocate for a relationship to work, and that means we have to have to have a strong sense of self from which to work from. (And yes, that's hard experience talking as well as training!)

So, being happy comes as much from us as is it does to us. Which brings me back to my original question - What really, truly, deeply makes you happy? Think about it - and you might just be on your way to finding it.

Until next time...I'll be on the other side of the couch, waiting to hear from you.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected]

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I Wish There Was a Magic Wand...

4/28/2014

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I wish there was a magic want. I really do. But...There really is no magic wand.

There. I've said it. It stinks, it hurts sometimes, it's depressing. And it's true: there is no magic wand to wave and make our troubles just disappear.

I always wanted to be Samantha on "Bewitched" - even if she got into messes, she could twitch her nose and all would be well. (Of course, she did have to put up with that dork of a husband Darrin...anyway...) Wouldn't it be nice if we could make ourselves look the way we want, make other people behave the way we want and do the things we want? If we could control everything and have it our way? (OK, there's an Endora streak in me too - I admit it.)

Well, believe it or not...no. As hard as it is sometimes, we learn from our struggles. We don't choose or deserve many of the things that happen to us or are done to us - but we have a choice in terms of learning to how deal with it without letting it control us. I know that sounds harsh, and I apologize - I never, ever want to minimize someone's pain by being flip. Here, though - this really is our choice. Recovery, healing, and moving forward are all "dealing with it." No matter what happens - we always have a choice: We can choose how we react and what we do with it,

The thing is, it's awfully easy to let whatever happened or whoever hurt us control us and I know that from experience. Emotions and mood states are POWERFUL, and can distort how we perceive reality. These things are also REAL - depression, anxiety, PTSD, anger, fear - they all are very real and affect us deeply. As tough as it is, our task is to try to see ourselves objectively and to try to do the best we can without further hurting ourselves or hurting other people. And doing so is not easy at all. It's a growth process, and a rebirth in many ways. It IS a process.

This process is not an easy thing to learn either. When I was doing my training, I used to keep a kid's magic wand in the little office where I did my counseling. Sometimes people would come in and would want to change someone else - like their children or spouse, their boss or coworkers, or extended family members. Other times, I'd hear people talk about how unfair things were and how others should do things/see things their way, or how life should be different. At this point, IF I'd established good rapport with my client, I'd take the magic wand and bang it on the end table or chair and say, "Look...it doesn't work. NOW what are we going to do? We've got to figure how to handle this, because the magic wand doesn't work!"

This almost always got a laugh - and made an important point. There is no easy fix for a lot of these issues. In fact, many of the issues that people talked about WERE unjust. However, we can't change other people, and sometimes we can't change what happens to us.

What we can do, however, is change ourselves. Again, it's not easy - this really is hard work. It involves letting go of our "shoulds" for others, our attempts to make them do what we want them to do or treat us the way we want them to treat us. Our challenge is to accept them as they are, and deal constructively and effectively with the things that happen to us. (For the record: Accepting other people as they are does NOT mean approving of, liking, or agreeing with their behaviors, the harm they do, or the hurt they cause. We're not condoning or accepting in any way, shape, or form abuse or other harmful/hurtful behaviors. What we're doing is letting go of trying to change them, and instead focus on what we can do to help ourselves.)

This is the essence of psychological healing, in my opinion. Therapy ideally gives someone a safe place to learn about and practice letting go, acceptance, and self-change. It's not a magic wand, but it can be a magic place because the work that's done in the therapy room, when successful, is transformational.

The old analogy of the caterpillar going into the cocoon and emerging a butterfly really is apt. It's a cliche, but it's one that fits. The struggle to emerge from the cocoon is not only difficult, it's necessary for the butterfly to survive. Helping the butterfly emerge - even when well-intentioned - kills the butterfly. Human birth is similar - the process of being born and being pushed/squeezed out the birth control compresses the newborn's lungs, so that when s/he emerges, they expand to bring the infant the breath of life. (With humans, we've learned to compensate - the "magic wand" of medical science helps here.)

The point with these analogies is that the "magic wand" - the quick fix, easy way out, getting someone else to do it for us, etc. - robs us of our ability to grow into the person we're meant to be. Without that struggle, we don't get to learn and grow in quite the same way. In my field, we call this ability to "bounce back" and heal resiliency - and resilience can be developed and strengthened over time. We learn to develop healthy boundaries, we learn to cope with strong emotions and tolerate distress, we learn to think in a healther and more effective way, we learn to be mindful of ourselves and all of these things as we grow and heal. We learn - or relearn - how to interact with other people and grow relationships.

These things said, would I wish abusive, harmful, traumatic, or painful experiences on anyone in the sake of growth? NO. I can't say that emphatically enough - NO. We can't control what other people do or many times We CAN work to heal ourselves and grow, though. We can die in our cocoons, or we can struggle and emerge reborn to face the world. It's up to us. It's not easy. It's not pretty - and there really is no magic wand.

The magic is instead in us, in our ability to overcome.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected]

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Trust the Process

4/14/2014

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In my work as a therapist, I practice a form of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT. I like it because it brings in awareness and mindfulness of the present as well as working on behavioral options. I find that there are generally two ways we can work with people. One is to be results-oriented - and in a therapy environment, this is not necessarily a bad thing. We - my clients and myself - want to see that the therapy we're doing is working, right? Makes sense.

The other way we work is being process-oriented. A process orientation involves more than looking for results - it's looking at what's going on between the two people in the room, in terms of how they're relating to each other, and how this relating reflects what's going on outside the therapy room for the client. It also means paying more attention to the deeper meaning of what clients say, and how their words reflect their emotions and experiences, as well as their growth.

Process is even more than that, though. Process is the flow of life that runs through us and with us and by us. How we react to life often reflects the process we're experiencing. Trusting the process means letting go of the illusion of control that's keeping us from growing and trusting that our process - our lives - will eventually be ok.

Letting go in this way is a scary thing to do. It's something I learn and re-learn every day, and have to consciously practice - trusting the process is an active trust kind of thing for me.

I have several "mantras" I use to remind me to trust the process. One of my favorites is, "It is what it is." I usually follow that up with a question that gets at the heart of the issue: "Now, how do you want to deal with it?" or "What are my options?"

There are several situations where I'm currently using this process...and none of them are easy. I'm finding for me, though, that letting go and trusting the process at the very least brings me some peace of mind. I take care of what I need to take care of, and the rest will be what it will be.

To me, one key to being able to trust the process is using one of my DBT skills: Radical Acceptance. The basic idea is that you realize that you first have to see what reality IS rather than what you want it to be, and then next, work on accepting that this reality exists. It's a tough process - but once you're there, you're better able to deal with what is, and won't get caught up on what should be, or what's not fair. Radical acceptance is key to learning to trust the process, because you can't begin to see the process until you accept the reality you're facing. It's that simple.

Another key piece is letting go. For me, this also takes conscious thought and action - I ask myself, "Ok, how important is this really? Am I going to be worrying about this, or be angry at this 10 years from now?" If the answer is no, it's probably a good thing for me to let go of. And I again struggle with this a lot - and am learning that the process is again, worth it.

So, trusting the process means first accepting reality for what it is, and then letting go of our expectations of what's fair or what "should be." What next?

Here's where it gets a little less behavioral...one of the things that DBT emphasizes is mindfulness, and I believe that mindfulness is another important key to trusting the process. Once we've accepted and have started letting go, mindfulness (being aware with compassionate nonjudgment) will allow us to be open to the possibilities and opportunities that DO exist. Mindfulness also allows us to be aware of what's going on around us, what triggers us, and what our choices are - it's an incredible tool for increasing awareness and connection, if we choose to use it that way - it's how we see the process part that's going on here.

The final key in trusting the process is simply, trust. Many have us have learned, and learned well that we can't trust anyone. Life has let us be hurt or injured maybe even by people who were supposed to love and protect us. Other people take advantage of us, or make fun of us, or generally make the world an unpleasant place in which to live. And here I'm telling you to trust. Yeah, right....

Here's where you use active trust (see earlier post). If you've learned to trust no one or anything, it may be time to try and see if the time is right to experiment a little with trust. To trust the process though, at some point, you have to take that leap and just let go and trust. Something, someone, sometime...Use your active trust if it helps, and realize that it's likely going to be worth the effort.

Trust the process - and see where life takes you. Even if you trust no other process than the fact that the sun will rise the next day, it's a start - and a good one. You may find yourself going in a direction you'd never considered, or meeting people you'd never have known otherwise. Let go, let yourself have an adventure...and trust the process.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: [email protected].

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Learning to let go

4/14/2014

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A few years ago, I was in the process of mucking out our basement - and it was a HUGE process. We had only been in our house 6 years, but the basement was stuffed to the gills with empty boxes, stored "stuff," hundreds of pounds of research articles and paperwork...cleaning it out was a JOB. During this process, I had to look at what I'd saved, and what I wanedt to keep.

This sorting process is a metaphor for what we do in our lives - how many times do we "save" relationships that don't work/are dysfunctional/we've outgrown? Or "store" our resentments, anger and/or crappy life experiences? All of us do, to some extent, and some people find it easier to let go of these things than others. Some of us are more like me and my "stuff" - it feels hard or maybe even impossible to let go. We may not want to, we may not know we've accumulated this much "stuff," or we may simply not even know HOW to let go. We may feel paralyzed by fear and anxiety - "Where do I even start? This is overwhelming and I'm not sure I can do it!"

In my basement, the first step was to start sorting - and I started with one corner of the room. "Stuff" went into three piles: Throw away/recycle, Give away, and Keep. Here's one thing that applies when we're doing our mental sorting - pay attention to where your emotions are during the process. Strong emotions usually indicate something going on; in my basement they indicated some kind of attachment to the object. In some cases, I couldn't bear to throw something away, but couldn't keep it, either (infants' playyard, anyone? Little Tikes Castle?) - those all went to Goodwill. *I* didn't have them anymore, but someone else could enjoy them and use them.

In our lives we have this kind of stuff too...relationships we don't want to give up, but that aren't really helping us or other person anymore, or activities we hang on to "because I've always done it this way," but that don't work for us anymore. So what do you do with these? You can't exactly give them away. For me...I work on releasing them. I don't necessarily take direct action, but I "give it away to the universe" and let it go emotionally. I figure that the old saying of, "if you love something, set it free and if it was meant to be it will come back to you," applies here. Some kind of releasing ceremony or ritual may help you here...writing a good-bye in your journal, blowing dandelion seeds or bubbles into the wind and watching the breeze catch and carry them away - something that will help you emotionally release the situation. When it crops up again, think of what you did to help release and revisualize letting go again. Or, if you need to, do it again. It may help.

The stuff that you "throw away/recycle" may be tougher in a lot of ways. Much of this stuff is composed of dead relationships that you still hang on to, situations or memories that you dredge up and use to nurture old resentments and/or anger, anger at the past that you can't change - there are so many things that fit here, it's impossible to list them all. What do you do with these? There isn't exactly a cosmic stretchy-trash bag you can throw them in, right? These take longer to heal, and acceptance and forgiveness is a part.

Now, before you jump all over me with, "How can I forgive what s/he did to me? It's unforgivable!" or "S/he doesn't deserve my forgiveness," etc. I want to tell you that I'm talking about acceptance and forgiveness in a different light than any religious or "approval" context.

Acceptance and forgiveness are processes where you realize you can't change what happened or change the person who did it and you begin moving on - for your sake. In the work I do, we call it "radical acceptance." Acceptance here is "radical" because it's total - there is no room for fantasy, for imagining "what you'd do if..." or "if only I'd..." - this is dealing with what actually IS, rather than what we want it to be or what it could have been. And it's hard. We don't always like what we see - and it's also necessary to clear out the clutter of these resentments. It also doesn't happen overnight - it's a process and takes time, and you'll likely be doing it over and over for a while before it starts to feel right.

One thing to realize with "acceptance" is that it's NOT approving or agreeing with the situation. It's not resigning yourself either - it's simply acknowledging that the situation is what it is. There is a certain peace that comes when you accept, but you may also find yourself needing to move to acceptance over and over - that's part of the process. You also get to look at the real options you have - when you accept what is, then you can see what you can do with it. One option is forgiveness.

The other piece of this equation, forgiveness, is also not quite what it might seem on the surface. We've all heard the maxims, "forgive your enemies," "forgive and forget," and "turn the other cheek," etc. This is not the kind of forgiveness I'm talking about. Our process may end up leading us there, but that's not the important part at this moment. The important parts are that a) forgiveness is for US, for OUR peace of mind and that b) we try. Like acceptance, this is a process and doesn't come overnight. Forgiveness here tends to take the form of coming to terms with our past or with the relationships that are not right for us in a way that we feel healthy about. It's NOT a blanket, "I forgive you and let's forget and move on." First of all, there is no way that many of us COULD forget what was done to us and second, moving on is for US.

When we're stuck in these relationships, in our pasts, or in our hurt and resentments, we're not moving on, and we're hurting ourselves. I'm not going to minimize the pain of what others do or have done to us, but we don't have to continue their process of hurting us by not letting go. Acceptance and forgiveness here is oriented toward ourselves - and letting go is the process by which it happens. Note the word "process" - this isn't something you decide to do in the morning and be all done with by lunchtime. Like the other processes I've mentioned, you'll have to come back to it over and over again, and do it over and over again.

I've also noticed that in a lot of these situations, there is so much self-blame and hurt - forgiveness here means forgiving yourself. (Some of you may be saying, "What? I have nothing to forgive myself for! I wasn't the one who hurt me!" You're right - and you're in a different place from the people I'm addressing here. And honestly? Good for you if you don't have it! :) ) A lot of us carry guilt, or harbor feelings of "If only I'd..." or "I should have..." Forgiveness here means again, first accepting the reality of what you did do and realistically could control, and then also accepting the reality that you did what you could do. Forgiveness here means letting go of the punitive "shoulds" and being gentle with yourself so healing can happen. And as always in this post, it's a process, and learning to trust the process is an important part of letting go.

Some of the ideas I gave you earlier in "giving away" things also work here - creating a "farewell" ceremony, writing a eulogy in your journal, or releasing the pain and hurt to the universe (burying it or a symbol of it, maybe) sometimes help. The key work is done inside you, though.

Some of the things in my basement were hard to throw away - my dissertation articles ("What if I need them again?"), boxes of things I"d kept from my first marriage (they reminded me of a very unhappy time in my life) and letters from old loves ("what if I'd..." "I wonder what could have been..."). And as hard as it was, it was a necessary process. When I began thinking about this, the clutter was about half clear, and I was still excavating. Occasionally, I came across things I still needed: teaching materials, art supplies, old photographs...these are like the things we keep in our lives. These are the things that lift us up, remind us of who we are, and of what's important to us. And once the clutter is cleared, it's easier to remember and easier to appreciate these things.

And now? It's time to re-evaluate and clear the clutter again. Like life, it's an ongoing process.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help.

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I Wish There Was a Magic Wand...

Trust the Process

Learning to let go

Laura Burlingame-Lee:

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