Category: Results

Evaluating Goals: How Well Is It Working & Did the Process Work?

1/10/2016

So, after you take action, how will you know it's working? The most obvious answer, of course, "I did what I set out to do." Chances are, though, that you'll want to keep track of your progress, and when you reach your goal, want to know what worked to help you achieve it. If you were unable to reach it, figuring out what got in the way can help you when you begin planning again. So, evaluation of both progress and the process are pretty important, and can help you celebrate successes, sharpen your strategies, plan for predictable obstacles, and debrief after your hard work.

One thing I recommend is that you engage in evaluation during a dedicated time where you can focus your attention on the process and that (if possible) you work with someone who knew about the goal or helped you be accountable. Having someone to go through this process with you can be supportive and enriching. Your support person may see things you don't, or be able to frame things in a way that may help you see other opportunities, strategies or possibilities. If you have been accountability partners, you can also help your partner do the same.

"Stone Sculpture" by Anatoli Styf, from http://www.freeimages.com/photo/stone-sculpture-1390088

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Why Work With a Life Coach?

7/21/2014

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If you go into a bookstore, or on a e-commerce site that sells books, you'll notice that the self-help section is huge. Really HUGE. It seems like we want to improve so many areas of our lives - our size and appearance, our love life, our business and work lives, our mental health, and so many others. There are self-improvement programs you can buy online, and the books are full of ideas that you can use and apply to help improve your life. However, when we buy these programs or try these techniques, many times they don't seem to work - why is that?

There are a few reasons that might explain this. One factor is that our time and energy is limited. We get caught up in work and work issues, daily hassles like cooking and paying bills, family responsibilities... If you think about it, you'll find there are many, many reasons that we don't accomplish all the self-help and self-enhancement programs we purchase. All of these activities take time, and they take energy. When we do have a few minutes for leisure, many times we want to do something else. It's understandable - if something feels like too much work, we tend to avoid doing it.

Another factor might be lack of support. We know that when people have support, they're more likely to make changes and they're more likely to stick to them. Beginning an exercise program is a great example: You're way more likely to keep moving and exercising when you have someone there with you. They support you, and to some extent, keep you accountable. Your coach is there to mentor you and to cheer you along as you creat the life you want to have.

Accountability is the third factor I want to mention. I'm not thinking about accountability in a pressurized "have to" sense. Rather, I am suggesting that having another person to work with who knows your goals, your struggles, and your strengths can be an amazing support for you as you work to reach those goals and change your life!

I love the word "coach" - it has such a positive connotation. Coaches share their knowledge with you, support you as you challenge yourself to reach goals (and challenge you themselves by nudging you toward your goals), and celebrate progress and life changes as they happen. It's a life-affirming, positive, and healthy profession.

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Coping With Tough Times, Part 2: Coping Skills

4/28/2014

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Ok, so what do you DO if things are still tough? "Tough Times" can be found in relationships, financial troubles, work situations, family issues - a whole range of things. What's "tough" for you, may not be tough for someone else, and what's tough for them might not be for you. So, given that these things are different for different people, what are some things that pretty much everyone can use? First of all:

If you have been feeling down for two weeks pretty much every day and for most of the day, if you have thoughts of hurting yourself and/or others, or if you're having trouble functioning, please see your doctor right away - you may be dealing with clinical depression. If you are feeling that you might hurt yourself or someone else, please call 911. Please also realize that seeking help really is a sign of strength and belief in yourself and not a sign of weakness.

As part of my training and my work with people in various situations in their lives, I learned a lot about coping skills - the fancy name for "learning to deal with it" - whatever "it" is. As you might imagine, this is a pretty important topic for therapists and their clients. And to be honest - I practice what I preach, and use these myself. There are a LOT of good self-help workbooks out there - I'll give a list at the end of this post - and these may help you structure your coping, if that's what you need. So - on to the meat of the post:

Let's start with things that end up being harmful. Basically it boils down to two things: Stuff that gets you in trouble, and stuff that ends up hurting you and/or someone else. Stuff that gets you in trouble includes excessive drinking, using mind-altering substances, excessive spending, sex, gambling, not fulfilling responsibilities like going to work, etc. Stuff that hurts you and/or someone else includes: excessive eating or undereating, exercising too much or not enough, losing your temper and abusing yourself or someone else, physically hurting yourself or someone else, beating yourself or someone else up emotionally, getting caught up in or laying on guilt trips, calling names, insulting yourself or others, and talking or thinking in absolutes (like, "I'll never be able to get out of this hole" or "You always ruin my day"). If you're feeling out of control with these things, please find help for them, if for no other reason than it helps yourself and your loved ones.

So what are the things that may help?

First of all - when you're feeling down or really anxious, realize that emotions are like waves - they build up, peak, and then pass. This idea is not new; Marsha Linehan's "dialectical behavior therapy" uses this concept. To cope with strong emotions that really feel like they're going to knock you down, it can sometimes help to remind yourself that the emotion will not last forever, and that it WILL pass. You are not your emotions - your feelings are reactions to things in your environment. Just as your situations change, so will your feelings. For me, I visualize an ocean wave as it builds, swells, and washes over me. You might like this, or maybe a gust of wind - whatever works. The point is, the feelings WILL pass.

Second, you can help the wave pass by distracting yourself. There are many things you can do - I work in my journal, create art, go for a walk, listen to calming music, surf the internet, etc. What you want to do is find something that will take your mind off the "down" feelings - it doesn't have to last forever, but distracting yourself will pay off, even if you only are able to distract for a few minutes. It's at least a few minutes that you weren't focusing on feeling "down" or anxious, right? There are an infinite number of ways to distract yourself - just use your imagination and see what you can come up with (and yes, this in itself is a distraction!) However, be careful with distractions - don't let them turn into "target behaviors" (the things that get you in trouble or harm you or someone else.)

One thing is important if you're feeling "down" or super-anxious - do something positive for yourself every day, such as exercise, get involved in doing something you enjoy - a hobby or pastime - , enjoy some quiet time to yourself, etc. Treating yourself as you want other people to treat you (a twist on the golden rule) or as you would treat other people is very important - you really are worth the effort and deserve to be treated well.

Third, try reframing your thoughts. This is admittedly sometimes a tough thing to do, especially when things feel hopeless or that a situation will never change or end. Sometimes working on changing your thoughts is a conscious effort; if you keep at it, hopefully the positive thinking will feel more natural. If you're having a tough time doing this, try writing down all the negative things you tell yourself and then contradicting them. Here's an example: With my work life, I admit to feeling like sometimes I'm spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere. I remind myself of what I've done (developed a private practice and found work with an amazing group of women at Beyond the Mirror), what I've achieved (my Ph.D., passed my licensing exam), and where I realistically am at (working on new content, expanding into new areas like life coaching, and applying my passions to my work) Reminding myself of the postives can help contradict the negative feelings.

Many therapists recommend keeping a "mood diary" or "thought record" where you can keep track of the thoughts you have, the feelings associated with them, how you changed your thinking, and what the result of the change was. Again, if this works for you - if you need and/or want to see your progress - by all means do it. It can be very simple - a piece of notebook paper divided into four or five columns (if you want to include the dates), and simply keeping track. It can be more complex, for example setting up an Excel spreadsheet. Keep in mind that first, the very act of doing this at all is a distraction (being busy tends to distract us from our feelings) and second of all, productive because you're working on helping yourself.

Mary Ellen Copeland, a therapist who deals with bipolar disorder, has developed some excellent tools for dealing with stress. She recommends creating a "wellness action plan" that includes 5 distinct parts:

1) Developing a wellness toolbox (similar to the coping skills described above) and keeping track of your moods and activities on a daily basis (the "Daily Maintenance List")

2) Listing the things that trigger feeling rotten and planning on ways to deal with those

3) Listing the "Early Warning Signs" of impending mood changes, and planning on ways to cut off mood changes BEFORE they get too bad

4) What to do when things are breaking down - how to deal with crisis situations: what the signs of this are, who to call/contact in case of an emergency, and how to deal with this when/if it happens

5) Developing a Crisis Plan: How to help other people know when you're in crisis, how other people can help you, and again who to contact

Copeland's web site: http://www.copelandcenter.com has some excellent information and resources related to this program. She also has several workbooks in publication and again, I'll list those here at the end.

There are also the things that we hear everyday from all kinds of experts: eat well and moderately, exercise regularly (this really DOES work to help moods, by the way), limit how much alcohol and other substances you put in your body, get enough rest and/or sleep, and see your physician if you're having problems in any of these areas to rule out physical/medical causes.

Specifically getting involved things that are designed to be relaxing may also help. Again, listening to calming or relaxation music may help. Other tools include meditation, relaxing tense muscles/progressive relaxation (for example, tense and then relax each muscle group in turn, starting at head and working down), using deep breathing from your tummy (diaphramatic breathing) - all of these things (and more) help ease stress and help you cope with feeling in the dumps.

The bottom line is that working to change your thoughts, helping yourself relax, and soothing yourself by doing things that make you feel better help you deal with feeling down. These aren't a be-all and end-all to always feeling down, or a sure-fire "cure" for the blues. They ARE things that may help, though, and are time-tested tools that have been shown to help.

If you have any questions or comments, please contact me here or via email: theothersideofthecouch@live.com . I'll be happy to talk to you and listen to your input.

Please Note: The information on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. If you wish to contact me, you can call (970) 776-6043 or send email to: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com

Resources:

The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook, 5th ed. - Martha Davis, Elizabeth Robbins Eshelman, & Matthew McKay

The Depression Workbook, 2nd ed. - Mary Ellen Copeland

Mind Over Mood - Dennis Greenberger & Christine A. Padewsky

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Coping With Tough Times, Part 1: Move

4/28/2014

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Today, I went for a walk. That might not seem like a big deal, but for me it was a change, and I’d like to share its importance with you. I moved, and that IS a big deal. I’ll explain why it’s a big deal in just a bit, so bear with me while I give you some background first.

Like many of you, I struggle in this economy. I try to be financially fair to the people I work with, because I realize that services like mine are expensive, and I want people to be able to get the help and support they need. This has been hard for me, though, because I struggle financially as well. I have been waiting for things to change, which brings me to the purpose of this post and the next few to follow. I’m finding that if I simply sit and wait for things to happen, I feel depressed, anxious and frustrated – and I’m generally not a pleasant person to be around when I’m feeling this way. A lot of us are like this - I know I'm not alone.

So, I decided to change the way I’m looking at my situation and living my life. Here’s where coping with tough times and moving comes in. There are things I can’t control, like the economy, and the fact that many of the things I'd like to do in my business rely on people wanting what I have to offer. There are a multitude of things I can’t control, and if I focus on them, then it’s an easy slide down to feeling lousy.

However, I CAN control myself and how I choose to react to this situation. After talking to people and experiencing unemployment myself, I know that it’s very easy to slip into feeling helpless, hopeless, and paralyzed about the future. There IS something I can do though. I can move. I can move my body, my mind, my feelings and my thoughts.

Ok, I can hear some people groaning, “Oh no…another Little Miss Sunshine who thinks that if I think good thoughts, everything good will happen to me.” So… hang in here with me. I’m NOT going to promise that if you change your thoughts you will automatically attract good things. What I AM telling you is that if you work to change the way you’re thinking, feeling and being now, you may start to feel better. How do I know this? I do it. It's the simple - I practice what I preach.

What I’m suggesting is that you move, somehow – even if it’s just getting out bed to face the day. Moving can be as simple as reframing your thoughts from “I’m never going to get a job” to “Things are tough right now. I’m doing the best I can.” Moving can be, “OK…I’m feeling pretty crummy right now and I have no money. What CAN I do to help myself feel better?” and coming up with ideas. Moving can be noticing the very little, simple things that make life worth living. For me, this is the smiles on my children’s faces and hearing their laughter. It’s feeling the sunshine on my face and noticing the colors and fragrances of the spring flowers. It's enjoying the feel of the wind on my face. For others, it might be the smell of a freshly-brewed cup of coffee, or the feel of your favorite blanket wrapped around you. The point is, moving – no matter how or how much – is a change that may help you start to feel better. And that’s why my walk today was so important – I moved.

I moved my body, and while moving my body, I moved my mind. Moving my mind (thinking) helped me move my feelings. During my walk, I thought about what I have to offer – what are my skills and talents? What am I passionate about? I thought about how to share what I know with others who might be feeling the same thing. And I felt better about myself, in spite of my job situation. I thought about how to market myself, and what I can do to promote my business. In short, moving helped.

SARK has made some worksheets that come from her book “Make Your Creative Dreams Real” involving what she calls “microMOVEments.” These involve taking baby steps toward creating and realizing a dream that you have. Whether you call them baby steps, micromovements, tiny leaps of faith – it’s still movement.

The world isn’t necessarily going to change because you move (but who knows - maybe it will!). However, YOU may start to change because you move. Honestly, this post – and the idea of coping with tough times - came out of my desire to feel better. I am “moving” by writing and sharing my knowledge with you. I can’t change the world, but I can offer my skills and gifts as a way to help me feel better and to hopefully make a difference for others who feel like I’ve been feeling.

I’m going to continue to write on ways to cope in tough times. If you have suggestions on topics you’d like to see, please get in touch with me: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com. I’m always interested in feedback and ideas. For you? Move with hope in your heart and life in your soul!

Please Note: The information on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help.

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Trust the Process

4/14/2014

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In my work as a therapist, I practice a form of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT. I like it because it brings in awareness and mindfulness of the present as well as working on behavioral options. I find that there are generally two ways we can work with people. One is to be results-oriented - and in a therapy environment, this is not necessarily a bad thing. We - my clients and myself - want to see that the therapy we're doing is working, right? Makes sense.

The other way we work is being process-oriented. A process orientation involves more than looking for results - it's looking at what's going on between the two people in the room, in terms of how they're relating to each other, and how this relating reflects what's going on outside the therapy room for the client. It also means paying more attention to the deeper meaning of what clients say, and how their words reflect their emotions and experiences, as well as their growth.

Process is even more than that, though. Process is the flow of life that runs through us and with us and by us. How we react to life often reflects the process we're experiencing. Trusting the process means letting go of the illusion of control that's keeping us from growing and trusting that our process - our lives - will eventually be ok.

Letting go in this way is a scary thing to do. It's something I learn and re-learn every day, and have to consciously practice - trusting the process is an active trust kind of thing for me.

I have several "mantras" I use to remind me to trust the process. One of my favorites is, "It is what it is." I usually follow that up with a question that gets at the heart of the issue: "Now, how do you want to deal with it?" or "What are my options?"

There are several situations where I'm currently using this process...and none of them are easy. I'm finding for me, though, that letting go and trusting the process at the very least brings me some peace of mind. I take care of what I need to take care of, and the rest will be what it will be.

To me, one key to being able to trust the process is using one of my DBT skills: Radical Acceptance. The basic idea is that you realize that you first have to see what reality IS rather than what you want it to be, and then next, work on accepting that this reality exists. It's a tough process - but once you're there, you're better able to deal with what is, and won't get caught up on what should be, or what's not fair. Radical acceptance is key to learning to trust the process, because you can't begin to see the process until you accept the reality you're facing. It's that simple.

Another key piece is letting go. For me, this also takes conscious thought and action - I ask myself, "Ok, how important is this really? Am I going to be worrying about this, or be angry at this 10 years from now?" If the answer is no, it's probably a good thing for me to let go of. And I again struggle with this a lot - and am learning that the process is again, worth it.

So, trusting the process means first accepting reality for what it is, and then letting go of our expectations of what's fair or what "should be." What next?

Here's where it gets a little less behavioral...one of the things that DBT emphasizes is mindfulness, and I believe that mindfulness is another important key to trusting the process. Once we've accepted and have started letting go, mindfulness (being aware with compassionate nonjudgment) will allow us to be open to the possibilities and opportunities that DO exist. Mindfulness also allows us to be aware of what's going on around us, what triggers us, and what our choices are - it's an incredible tool for increasing awareness and connection, if we choose to use it that way - it's how we see the process part that's going on here.

The final key in trusting the process is simply, trust. Many have us have learned, and learned well that we can't trust anyone. Life has let us be hurt or injured maybe even by people who were supposed to love and protect us. Other people take advantage of us, or make fun of us, or generally make the world an unpleasant place in which to live. And here I'm telling you to trust. Yeah, right....

Here's where you use active trust (see earlier post). If you've learned to trust no one or anything, it may be time to try and see if the time is right to experiment a little with trust. To trust the process though, at some point, you have to take that leap and just let go and trust. Something, someone, sometime...Use your active trust if it helps, and realize that it's likely going to be worth the effort.

Trust the process - and see where life takes you. Even if you trust no other process than the fact that the sun will rise the next day, it's a start - and a good one. You may find yourself going in a direction you'd never considered, or meeting people you'd never have known otherwise. Let go, let yourself have an adventure...and trust the process.

As Always:

Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral.

If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com.

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Evaluating Goals: How Well Is It Working & Did the Process Work?

Why Work With a Life Coach?

Coping With Tough Times, Part 2: Coping Skills

Coping With Tough Times, Part 1: Move

Trust the Process

Laura Burlingame-Lee:

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