 "Super Child" by George Hodan, http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=37459&picture=super-child | So, last time I mentioned that there was a way to bring the characteristics and qualities of your favorite fictional characters into your real life. Today, I'll discuss how you do that. This is the fun part! The first thing we need to do is know who we're working with. A note of caution: Please don't use this exercise to sort through trauma memories, unless you have the support of a therapist or someone you trust completely! This exercise is not meant for processing PTSD or other trauma. Let's start by picking out the fictional character that you most admire and that you feel like you most relate to. If you can't decide on one, pick a second, but don't pick more than two - it will get difficult to analyze more than two characters at a time. If you want to go back and do this exercise later with another character, you can do that but it's really best to stick to one at a time if you can. Next, spend some time thinking about the character. What do you like best about this character, in terms of their identity or personality? Keep these qualities in mind as you answer the following questions. I've attached a handy worksheet for you if you prefer to work that way. |
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In my work, one of the hardest things I face is letting a client know that it’s time move on. There are many reasons for ending therapy, and I’m going to explain some of them so you can see how complex the decision can be. I’ll start with a couple of reasons why clients end therapy.  Unfortunately, there is a lot of confusion about coaching and what it is, especially in regard to how it's different from counseling or therapy. One common - and wrong - distinction I hear a lot is that counselors work with people who are struggling with problems or mental illness, and coaches work with people are healthy. I need to say this clearly - this is NOT true! Even trained mental health professionals buy into this false distinction. Another thing I hear a lot is that coaches set measurable goals and counselors' goals are less well-defined. Again, simply not true. There are many, many other misconceptions, and I hope to clear up these and a few others in this post. Let's talk about the first misconception. It's half true - coaches do work with people who are not experiencing emotional difficulties or mental illness. They are not trained to do so, and are not licensed or supervised in doing so. However, the other half - that counselors don't work with those who are healthy - is simply not true. The reality is that counselor's and psychologist's training makes them very qualified and trained to do coaching. Dr. Michael Bader, a licensed psychologist, points out that: The biggest difference between coaching and therapy, in my view, is that the theory that guides my work as a therapist can explain how coaching does or does not work, while theories that guide coaches can't do the same about therapy. (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-is-he-thinking/200904/the-difference-between-coaching-and-therapy-is-greatly-overstated) Another, similar distinction is that therapists and counselors work with the past, and coaches work with the future. Again, this simplistic division simply isn't true. Let me give you an example. In the therapy I do, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), we focus specifically on how to manage situations that are likely to happen in the future. While I do sometimes explore the past in terms of how it affects my client's current level of functioning when it's relevant, the work I do specifically involves working toward making a better future. Cogntive behavioral therapy in general has this orientation. It''s simply untrue that counselors don't focus on the future. The second misconception - that coaches set measurable, time-limited goals and therapists don't - again, simply is not true. Therapy works best if client and therapist work together to set exactly these kind of goals. That's how we measure progress. Many therapists I know will assess their client's sense of whether or not they are achieving their goals every session or every few sessions. Tied into this misconception is the idea that therapy is long-term and coaching is not. Again - many good systems of therapy (solution-focused therapy for example) work best with a time-limited model. Many coaches like to point to specialized training they have worked on. As a psychologist, I very much appreciate the effort these coaches have made to educate themselves and work in an ethical manner. Professionals like these are a credit to their profession. However, coaching as a whole has not licensure, certification or even educational requirements. There is no professionally agreed upon code of ethics. Because of this lack of centralized standards and ethical principles, engaging a coach is a risk. Please don't get me wrong - there are many, many wonderful, trained and ethical coaches out there. There are also some great training programs out there. The International Coaching Federation has made an effort to create a code of ethics and implement standardized training. I think this is a wonderful start. However: The ICF has no authority to implement these standards to the field as a whole. There are no licensing requirements. I hope that will change in the future, and believe that it will. Until then, however, there is a wide range of traininig programs ranging from in-depth programs requiring supervision to simple online classes with no practice component. At this point in time, they can all claim to be "coach training programs" with equal legal standing. The fact of the matter is that counselors and psychologists are highly trained. They have engaged in in-depth coursework, practicum and internship experiences during which they get real-life experience, and supervision. They are licensed, and regulated by licensing boards and codes of ethics. Because of these safeguards, there is more consistency and safety for you, the consumer. So, let's get at the issue of how this works. Coaching is focused on helping you identify and make movement toward reaching your goals. So is therapy. Coaches are trained (ideally, but not necessarily) in helping you set and achieve these goals, through specific techniques including targeted and open questions, activities, and developing insight. Counselors and psychologists can do this too. The truth of the matter is that a trained and licensed counselor can do anything and everything that a coach can do. Coaches, however, are not able to do everything a counselor or psychologist can do. Coach trainer Barbara Silva said: As a coach trainer this is an issue I discuss quite a bit with my students. The biggest difference as I see it is that a therapist may address both coaching and therapeutic issues whereas the coach must remain within the coaching realm, staying away from clinical issues. From the client's point of view, it's more about their perspective on the kind of assistance they need. The last misconception I want to address is one that I have to admit bugs me because it strikes at the heart of my work. I read a lot that coaching is a wellness model, while therapy is a treatment. Reality: Many, many therapists (myself included) adopt a wellness model. Focusing only on the negative and on how to fix what is wrong does not help over the long term. Focusing on wellness, and healing, and health is an important aspect of therapy.
So, the bottom line is that really is not much of a difference except training. (I know that there may be coaches that take issue with this, but the evidence is pretty clear.) Therapists and psychologists can do anything and everything a coach can do, because they are trained, they work with wellness as well as problems, and they use many of the same techniques, methods, and models. If you are interested in working with a coach, check out the International Coaching Federation for their training and ethical guidelines: http://www.coachfederation.org. They are an excellent resource, and can refer you to well-trained and ethical coaches. If you are interested in working with a psychologist or counselor, ask them if they do coaching - many do! As Always: Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com © 2014 Dr. Laura Burlingame-Lee, Ph.D.  In my attempt to turn the mood around here a bit, I thought I'd write about one of my favorite wellness tools: Journaling. I have to start by saying that my definition of what makes a "journal" is pretty broad - for years I kept a copy paper box full of file folders with inspiring articles, pictures, quotes - and my comments on them. That, for a while, was my "journal." My bottom line in terms what constitutes a "journal" is that it's anything you want it to be. If you call it a "journal," then in my book, it's a journal. Period. There are way too many things in our lives and our worlds that end up being judged - the last thing we need judged is our creative and psychological expressions. Make it whatever you want it to be! Today, my journals tend to be a little more traditional, but that doesn't mean that I don't branch out on occasion. I usued to keep a "creative journal" which used to be a page-a-day appointment book - I used the pages as something on which to mount my creative expressions. I've been feeling "blocked" creatively for the last couple of months, so there hasn't been anything new to add, but I'm hoping that I'll let loose with a barrage of visual creativity here soon. I also keep a "regular" journal in one of those cheap composition books that you can buy in the grocery store. This is really my therapeutic journal. When I have trouble thinking straight or am feeling overwhelmed, this is the spot where it all comes out. For me, my creative journal is my "public" journal - if anyone sees it, it's not that big of a deal (after all, I posted pictures of it - how picky can I be?). My "regular" journal is a different story, though. This is the private stuff. When I'm really having a tough time coping, I get this out and write until I can't write anymore. If you're going to do this kind of writing, make sure you feel safe, or that you have some safety to do it. You may want or need to hide, lock up, or keep your journal in a place you feel is safe. I'm not kidding about that either - once I was so overwhelmed and feeling so down that I wrote for nine straight pages! I've found that there are some incredible books and systems for journaling - my advice would be to do what works for you. That's an important point, because there's a perception that there are a lot of rules to follow, like you should write every day, or write for a certain amount of time or a certain number of pages. It's really important to do what works for YOU. Forget the rules, and forget the shoulds. Let yourself play, too - this can be fun as well as insightful! I don't put any pressure on myself to write every day, or to write about a certain topic - my journal is MY expression. If you're the kind of person who thinks journaling would help you, I would encourage you to do this - again, do what works for you. Some people have spent lots of money and taken lots of courses on certain systems, like the Progoff system. Others, myself included, buy tons of books on writing and journaling. Other people simply just do it. Some people keep one journal and work through one book at a time. Other people have three or four going at once. The point here is that this is a tool to help you cope, to help you feel better, and to help you deal with the world around you in a healthy way. It's a tool to help you get to know yourself, and to have a safe place to vent, let off steam, ponder deep thoughts, record your history - whatever you want to make it. This is not the only tool, by far - but it is a very helpful one. The hard thing is that I see so many people start this, and then quit because they think they are "not doing it right" or read something that makes them feel they are "not good enough." Frankly, as a journal-ist AND as a mental health professional, I can honestly tell you that there IS no one, right or true way to do this. Anything you do here IS good enough, because it's an expression of who you are, where you are in your life, and what you're dealing with. And if it helps you cope and feel better - as well as be a better person, than it is good enough, right enough, and healthy. If it appeals to you, look up journal prompts, or join a site with an ongoing journal support group. One of my projects that I have going is writing an e-book of journal prompts. I'm excited about it, and hope to offer it in time for the new year. Whatever you do, do what works. It's effective, and it's healthy. Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com I've been thinking lately about how things are going here in our world, and I know that life doesn't always fall into these neat little packages, situations, diagnoses - whatever way you can think of to make life seem "simple." Right now, life is tough - financially and societally. Pensions and 401-Ks, the ones that still exist anyway, are pretty much looted and worth (at best) half of what they were. The job market reeks. These are tough times. The world we were raised in, or the world in which our parents were raised- where job loyalty meant employer loyalty, a handshake could really seal a deal, and where anothers' word meant something - just doesn't exist anymore. Life, and the world around us has changed.
And yet I'm finding that even with the hardships and overall socially negative mood, there is hope. We are, overall, a resilient people. We endure, we work, and we survive. We have hope that things won't always be this way - that's what keeps us going sometimes. I see people helping each other in parking lots, or stopping to talk to a little child. I see smiles and sharing at the parks I take my kids to. And I see things that money could never buy, like cerulean blue skies and fields bursting with the color of wildflowersa or the smile of a child and the music in the wind. Resiliency, in my field, essentially means the ability to bounce back and thrive. I, like all of us, face situations that feel overwhelming. For many years, I was passive and simply gave up and let things happen. Not anymore - I'm going to not just bounce back, but I will thrive. I'll admit I'm scared at times. I'm scared of failing, of financial ruin, of not being good enough - things we ALL feel at one time or another. AND, I'm not going to just bounce back, I'm going to thrive. I am NOT going to let these things stop me. Resiliency is as much stubborness and determination as anything else - we decide that we are NOT going to let the "tough times" win. I have an "art journal" that I've kept for the last few years - many pages say, "I AM going to get through this," "I am smart enough and prepared enough to do this," or "I'm NOT going to give up." It's not very artistic, but it IS a creative expression of my will and my resiliency. Remaining hopeful in the face of unrelenting discouragement is hard, but not as hard as surviving some of the situations that my friends, clients, and co-workers face. I try to remain hopeful not just for myself, but for them as well. These are tough times - and honestly, I use every trick in my therapist's bag of tricks to get through sometimes. That's also why I'm sharing them with you - even if they don't cure all the problems, they can help you cope or feel better and have hope in the face of everything that's hard, tough, and discouraging. I go back and read some of my favorite self-help/inspirational books - stuff by Sark, Jennifer Louden and books like "Feel the Fear - and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. Another favorite is "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser. I talk with other people who have been through what I'm facing - it helps to know it CAN be done, and HAS been done. It might be tougher right, and there might be more obstacles - but it's still possible. We are a resilient people. And we don't have to go it alone. We can be there for each other - and it doesn't have to be therapy. It can be a smile, or a "good job" or an encouragement like, "I know you can do this." It can be a compliment, or an understanding - we don't HAVE to get mad when the checkout line at the store takes forever. We can tell the cashier, "it looks like you've had a long day. I hope it gets better." The power of each other is us, folks...we can choose to help each other, or not. I can tell you, though - it's a lot easier to hide than it is to stick our necks out, AND it's a lot easier to be resilient when we're there for each other. We don't have to go it alone - that's a powerful statement. We are NOT alone, and we won't BE alone. There are people who care, and there are people who want to help. Sometimes reaching out and asking is the scariest and hardest thing - we're risking rejection and hurt when we do. And...we don't have to go it alone. Seriously - say it: "I don't have to go it alone. I am NOT alone." It's a powerful, inspiring, comforting thought. And if you're feeling alone - write me. I know what it's like and I'll write back. You - yes, YOU - are not alone. Really. That's what the power of each other is all about. Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com Here's a story: One day the Master announced that a young monk had reached an advanced state of enlightenment. The news caused some stir and some of the monks went to see their younger brother. "We heard that you are enlightened. Is it true?" they asked. "It is true," he said. They asked him, "And how do you feel?" And the younger monk replied, "As miserable as ever."
What I've found through working with and being around a lot of people is that often we don't know what makes us happy. We seek it in many places, some of them harmful when carried out to excess: drinking, substance use, gambling, spending money. We also seek it in relationships, where we yearn to be with someone who "completes" us (cue Jerry Maguire, "You complete me.") We seek it in doing things, being busy, being "successful" or as perfect as we can be - at many, many things. How often, though, do we look inside and really ask ourselves, "What makes me happy?" If you do it, the answers may surprise you. There's a whole branch of psychology that is dedicated to understanding happiness - it's relatively new and goes under the heading "Positive psychology." Two of the leading people in this field are David Myers and Martin Seligman - both of whom wondered why psychology focused so much on the negatives. Research in this area has found that (to quote Madame de la Fayette) "if one thinks that one is happy, that is enough to be happy." Now I know this sounds like a "pat answer platitude" that oversimplifies things. And to some extent, it is - but there is also wisdom in this saying. As I've discussed before, how we think about and perceive ourselves and the world around us affects how we feel. This is definitely true for negative emotional states like depression and anxiety, but it's also true for positive emotional states. It's not a fixed, easy answer, but rather a factor in what makes us happy. So what are happy people like? Well, David Myers wrote in his book, The Pursuit of Happiness (1992) that the "best predictor of future well-being is past well-being" (p. 106). Does that mean if you've had a miserable, abusive, or depressed past you can't be happy? Heck no. Does it mean that it's one factor in a whole group that affect happiness - yes, and only that. Myers wrote that happy people in general tend to like themselves, feel like they can choose or have power over their destinies, are hope-filled and outgoing. Ok...this is great as far as it goes - what if you don't like yourself, feel helpless or that your life is out of control, feel like there's no hope and that you're an incurable introvert? Well, honestly - you're probably not happy. I'll tell you that for a very long time, my self-esteem was in the toilet. I felt like I didn't have control, that the future was hopeless, that I was ugly and stupid, and that I was always going to be that way. Obviously, something changed. I won't like and say that everything is sunshiny goodness and happy-happy-joy-joy every day - that's just not realistic for anyone. Overall, though - things did change AND I still struggle with feeling the way I used to sometimes. The thing is, changing these factors means working on change in yourself. There are certainly things in life we can't control, and we have to learn how to accept and deal with them. Changing ourselves doesn't mean putting on a mask and pretending that everything is hunky-dory fine, either, though. (I have to admit that there are days when it's pretty tempting, though.) What it means is that we learn to look at the world through a different set of lenses (not always rose-colored, either). Ok - you don't like yourself - what do other people like about you? Feel like you can't do anything right? Make yourself write a list of things you have done right. If you feel like everything is out of your control and you're helpless - examine and list everything you CAN control. For example - you can control your reactions to the world around you. Certainly others' actions, words, and ways of being affect us - BUT we choose how we react to those things. The idea here is that we "act as if." It's a pretty well-known CBT and DBT trick - even if you're not feeling happy, act as if you are. You're not "putting on a mask" because when I say "act as if" I mean completely, fully, and totally immerse yourself in this acting. "Putting on a mask" implies just looking as if you're happy - I'm suggesting not just looking as if, but acting as if and even trying to think and feel as if. It's hard work - I won't lie, but if you try it for a little while you may be surprised at the results. When people come to see me professionally, they (and/or others) are usually focused on what's wrong. As in, "What's wrong with me/him/her?" One of my favorite questions, when we have a certain amount of trust built is, "What's right with you?" It's a powerful question, and we almost never ask it. It's worth thinking about: What's right with you? Right here, right now. Really - what is right with YOU? One other thing that I see a lot of people doing is looking for something outside of themselves to fill the emptiness and sadness inside. Things, substances, relationships - none of those can make you happy long-term if you're not accepting and growing inside. Again - they certainly affect how we feel, but if we're looking for things to make us happy long-term, nothing outside will ever completely work. It has to come from inside at its core. While "Jerry Maguire" and other movies may promote the idea of the relationship that fills us, in the end we have to be complete in ourselves before we can truly create a "complete" in a relationship. Asking someone else to fulfill us and fill us up is asking too much of anyone - they can't read our minds, predict what we want when we want it, or somehow just know exactly what we need - we have to communicate and reciprocate for a relationship to work, and that means we have to have to have a strong sense of self from which to work from. (And yes, that's hard experience talking as well as training!) So, being happy comes as much from us as is it does to us. Which brings me back to my original question - What really, truly, deeply makes you happy? Think about it - and you might just be on your way to finding it. Until next time...I'll be on the other side of the couch, waiting to hear from you. As Always: Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com This has been a busy year so far. I've studied for (and passed) the EPPP, psychology's licensing exam, I've finished my supervision hours, and I've done what seems like endless amounts of paperwork. This last week was no different, except that there were more than a usual amount of clinical issues to be documented. I've put in several 11-hour days this week, and I need a break. SO...I'm taking one.
When I work with clients, I'm always encouraging people to be gentle with themselves and to take care of themselves. That doesn't mean not being accountable for your actions, by the way - it does mean if you have to take yourself to task you can do it in a way that's kind and gentle. One of my friends recently talked about how the Golden Rule also means treating yourself the way you'd want to be treated. If you'll notice, the Golden Rule doesn't say, "Treat others as you treat yourself," but rather "as you'd want to be treated." So, why do we have so much trouble treating OURSELVES the way we'd want to be treated? How often do we find ourselves chronically putting our needs last? Or ignoring our bodies' needs for rest and relaxation? How often do we take care of everyone else, leaving no time to do so for ourselves? For women, especially, it's a chronic issue. For parents, it's a necessity a lot of the time. For students, workers...the list of situations in which we put our own care last is nearly endless. When I work with people who chronically ignore or negate their own needs I used what I call "Healthy Selfishness." I use this term for a couple of reasons. One is that "selfishness" has been a label thrown at many us since we were small children, and it has such a negative connotation that reclaiming the word in a different way helps people see that it's NOT a bad thing to take care of themselves. That's the "Healthy" piece. It's healthy to care for ourselves, and to let ourselves enjoy life and things we enjoy. So, last night and today I spent some time playing. My kids like to get air-dry clay, so I made some beads that I will paint and varnish when they're dry. I got out my sketchbook and brainstormed ideas for fun things I want to do in my practice and in my life. I worked a little on a scrapbook of the cruise I went on with my mother. Tonight, I plan on watching a TV show, maybe reading a book or magazine, and (hopefully) going to bed early. Somewhere along the way to being a "responsible adult," I lost all that. I was always the "responsible child" so losing play happened pretty early for me. Today, I find myself yearning to let go, to play, to let loose - and I don't know how. So...I'm going to the best teachers I know - my children. I do have things I "should" do - I should work more on the business side of my job, I should work more on updating the paperwork for my private practice...AND I also should relax, take care of myself and treat myself the way I'd want to be treated. I should also not judge myself as harshly and punitively as I do. I should treat myself gently, respectfully, and lovingly. And that means paying attention to my need to relax, play, and cut loose a little. So, I'm going to attempt more play. I'm going to get my kids to teach me how to make things, like clay representations of the heads on Mt. Rushmore, or how to properly have a combination tea/art party. These are the things that make life rich - and I plan to take a break from being an adult for a while. If you can, I encourage you to find the time and do it yourself. As Always: Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com Have you ever noticed how kids act up and get into trouble when they're forced to be in a small space for a long period of time? It might (or might not) surprise you, but we "big people" are pretty much the same. These thoughts occurred to me last summer as we drove from our home in Colorado to visit my mom in Utah and from there to visit my husband's folks in Idaho
Now my kids are generally pretty good travelers, and we bring lots for them to do. I found that *I* got pretty cranky though, and felt antsy when I couldn't move a lot. Psychologically, we're like that too - when our minds and spirits are "cooped up," we tend to get irritable, cranky, and antsy. "Cooped up" is obviously not a psychological or clinical term, but it's good for how we feel when we can't be ourselves - we're mentally and emotionally locked in a room that we can't leave for a variety of reasons. Maybe we're a little eccentric and people just don't understand us or think we're weird. Maybe the people and environment around us is toxic and it's not safe for us to be ourselves. Maybe we risk punishment in a variety of ways (ostracism, abuse, denigrating comments or discrimination) if we truly show who we are. My point is that we can't always be ourselves and that we suffer as a result. Our world doesn't tolerate diversity and difference very well - we seem to be the kind of being that has to learn the hard way that our behaviors toward those who are different are hurtful and cruel. Sometimes, we don't realize this until we experience it ourselves and our eyes are opened. Some people never realize it, and some people never experience or recognize what it's like to be different. As painful as some of the experiences are, I think that coming through and overcoming them makes us stronger, more compassionate and more willing to change our own behaviors. In short - we grow, and become better people for the growing. However, being emotionally and/or spiritually "cooped up" damages us while it happens. Part of being human is being able to express ourselves and who we are - it's what brings us joy and peace. Acceptance allows us to feel safe in sharing those soft vulnerable places where we let our humanity shine through. And being safe is crucial to being able to be who we are. When we're not safe, when we feel judged, or when we have to hide who we are, we wall off a part of ourselves that is crucial to being psychologically healthy. We lose the ability not just to play, but to grow, to thrive, to experience and fully immerse ourselves in joy and vitality. Over time, we become anxious, depressed, angry, lonely, and maybe even traumatized (especially if abuse - ongoing or not - is occurring or has occurred.) We find ourselves "just getting through" - we may have trouble even knowing how to cope in healthy ways. We start to lose respect for and acceptance of ourselves as worthy, beautiful and interesting people. We may become isolated. It's tough to see the beauty in everyday life when we're focused on surviving and making it through instead of on living and thriving. It's next to impossible to feel free when you're cooped up by yourself or others and are unable to even think of breaking out. We become afraid - not just of the what will happen if we be ourselves, but of the punishments that hurt us and break our spirits. Fear becomes the companion of everyday life rather than joy - and the cost is locking up and losing ourselves. I watch my children develop, and I really try to encourage them to be themselves, even if no one else understands.My son Aidan is different from other people, because he's on the autistic spectrum. Here's the thing - I celebrate those differences even as I worry about how he'll cope with being different once he's in school. My hope and goal, though, is that by showing him acceptance and by celebrating the things that make him unique - the things that make him Aidan - that he'll have the confidence to continue to be himself and have confidence in himself. I try to make his world safe and accepting while also showing him the realities of living in this world. We talk about how people are mean, and that it's ok to ignore that. It's ok to like "red balls" (marker balls), light poles, and power poles and not worry what other people think. I try to use all the "tools" in my "toolbox" to help not just my kids, but myself break through and let go. I'm not completely successful yet, but realizing that this is a process helps (and that's one of the tools, too!) I use my DBT skills, my mindfulness skills, and my art skills to work on this - and I encourage the same in my children. Together we are curious, and go on "adventures" to see what's out there. I learn so much from THEM, too - noticing small things and seeing the world from such a different place...drawing on the sidewalk, splattering paint, using big, wide strokes to paint the world...there is a lot to learn from children. We ALL need this kind of safety to grow. Without that safety, we may physically "grow up" - but inside there remains a scared, insecure side of ourselves that is "cooped up" and waiting to be able to run. Art therapists key into this when they encourage us to let go and play. The hard thing is that most of us don't know how to let go. Despite years of training, I include myself in this - even as I watch and encourage my children, I long to be able to release that side of myself. One of the projects I've been involved with for a couple of years is a self-esteem seminar through Project Self-Sufficiency. I'm lucky enough to have been one of the facilitators, and one of the things I loved to do during that time was take part in providing safe and sacred space for the participants to let go and be who they were. I'd love to work on a "Letting Yourself Go" workshop, where I provide a safe place for music, dance, art and quiet time, all with the idea of breaking out of feeling "cooped up" and letting out who we are inside. Just like children who get stuck in cars or planes or rooms or houses - we also get cooped up. We also need space, fresh air, play, safety, and love - and those things are not "extras" or "rewards" - they're basic human needs and if we didn't get them when we were little, let's work to have them now. Not just for ourselves - but for everyone. For the children who never get it, for the people we encounter everyday who are "cooped up" by jobs, bills, daily hassles, etc - we can ALL provide the breath of fresh air and just a little permission to let go. Take care and remember to play! As Always: Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don’t have to be alone in facing these things – there are people who care and who will help. Email me at: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com Due to the length of this post, I am dividing it into two sections for readability. If you have any comments or questions, please feel free to contact me: thepowerofeachother@outlook.com.
During my training, I developed an analogy I'm going to share with you here. Using medication and therapy together is like working to fix a house with a crack in the foundation. The first thing you have to do before you fix the crack is shore up the house, right? Using medication is like shoring up yourself - it takes care of the biological and chemical aspects of what is going on. One thing I want to emphasize - these medications are not addictive! They help stabilize you and bring you up to feeling normal, NOT feeling "high." From there, you work to fix the crack in the house - this is where the therapy piece comes in. If you try to fix the house by shortcutting either one of these steps, guess what? The foundation is going to stay cracked, get worse, or possibly break again. Using both tools (medication and therapy) will help you heal the foundation and make your house - you - stronger by helping you learn to recognize problems and deal with them in a way that keeps you healthy and whole. With these things in mind, there are things you can do to help yourself as well. Among those things are some of the techniques I mentioned earlier in the "Coping with tough times" posts. The difference here is that there is a slightly different focus. When you are dealing with recovery from trauma and/or PTSD, anxiety and fear are huge issues that don't simply "go away." When you're working with anxiety, self-soothing to reduce the anxiety, worry and fear that you feel is crucial. So, the same things I mentioned before: listening to relaxing music, meditating, journaling - whatever you find soothing and helpful that does NOT become hurtful - will help some. The cognitive - or "thought" - piece that's different is that you want to recognize and acknowledge the emotion specifically related to the trauma or experience - "Ok, I'm really anxious and feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. What is behind this anxiety? Am I afraid that <insert whatever traumatized you> will happen again?" If that is the case, asking yourself, "how likely is it that it really will happen again?" may help. In some case, the likelihood might be high - you'll want to work on what you can do to protect and shelter yourself if that's the case, and working with professionals in many fields (police, medical, psychological) may be part of that process. In other cases, the likelihood of the event reoccuring may be low - in that case, reassuring yourself that you're safe, that you're doing everything you can to keep yourself safe may also help. Please - again realize that you don't have to do this alone. The support you'll receive from a good therapist can really help you feel better. Another area in which you may want to work involves your boundaries. Especially for those of you who were victims of abuse, rape or other traumas where your physical and emotional boundaries were violated, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucially important AND very hard work. For those of you who are in situations where your boundaries are still being violated, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries may threaten the person violating them - for you, I would strongly recommend seeking the support of a professional in working on these issues, creating a safety plan, and having an escape ready if necessary. You will need support and possibly protection, and working with a professional - whether it's a medical doctor, psychologist, therapist, or clergy - will help you get the physical and mental protection and support that you need. Do not hesitate to call 911 if you need help! Learning to set boundaries takes practice and work. I've done completely separate posts on working on boundary issues, but for now, let's first discuss what boundaries ARE. The basic idea here is that a boundary is something that separates you from everything else. Your skin is a boundary between your insides and the outside world, and protects you from injury. Likewise, psychological boundaries are the ways that you know you are separate from everyone else around you. To quote the title of a popular book on boundaries, they are "where you end, and I begin." ("Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin" Anne Katherine). Another book described boundaries this way: "They define what is me, and what is not me" ("Boundaries" Henry Cloud & John Townsend). When your boundaries are violated, you are being told "it doesn't matter who you are, what you want, or what you need. What I need or want is what counts, and I'm going to take it whether you agree or not or whether you say no or not." For many of us who have experienced trauma, our boundaries have been severely violated and compromised; this leads to a sense of helplessness, fear, anxiety and/or depression. The best thing you can do at this point is first realize that your boundaries have been violated (and that you have a right to even HAVE boundaries), and from there, work on realizing what they are and how to set and maintain them. This, as I know from experience, is hard work. Working on boundaries though, also helps you work on and deal with trauma. By building boundaries, you are saying that you have the right to be whole, the right to control who and what has access to your body, your thoughts, and your feelings. Dealing with trauma also involves understanding and working with your feelings. Emotions can be very frightening and very threatening sometimes, especially if they are powerful or intense, like anger/rage, depression, or anxiety. It may feel like they are going to engulf you, drown you, and/or never end. This is where envisioning the emotion as a wave can be helpful (see the previous post for more information.) If you feel you can't stand it, that you are going to do something harmful like cut yourself, hurt yourself or someone else - get help - call 911. If you're not to that point - do something that will help yourself - call a friend (or sponsor if you're in a 12-step program), distract yourself if it helps, write it out, something that will help you. The thing is, the emotion WILL pass, and you WILL survive it. In "dialectical behavior therapy" - one of my areas of expertise - we teach people some skills for "emotional regulation" and "distress tolerance." These skills help people deal with the overwhelming sensations that their emotions are going to engulf them. What I've described for you in the coping skills post are some of those skills. I will write more about DBT in coming posts, as it is a very helpful system for dealing with trauma, emotional storms, and coping in general. Trauma is also isolating - we may feel that we're all alone in this, or that we'll be punished or embarrassed if we talk - a common phrase I've heard is "we don't air our dirty laundry to others." The thing is, the "dirty laundry" that is being aired is often the very stuff that is traumatizing. Opening up - say, in the context of a trusted relationship or a support group, can be the most healthy thing you can do - you'll find out you're not alone, and that other people have experienced similar things. You may feel like you don't belong, or that you're alone, or that you're somehow "damaged" - being with other people who have experienced similar things or with someone you trust can help you see that you're not damaged and not alone. The final thing I want to say at this point, is have a safe space. Someplace where you CAN relax - at least a little - and feel safe just being and healing. This might be your bedroom, a special spot in nature, going to your place of worship, or even just creating a safe spot in your mind, wherever you happen to be. While you're in this safe space, breathe slowly and deeply. This is part of learning to soothe yourself, and is part of healing. If you experience triggers related to your trauma, get help if you need it - take care of yourself! If you don't need immediate help, do what it takes to get through it. Please Note: The content on this blog is intended for informational purposes only. This is not therapy, and if you wish to work in therapy, please contact your local mental health agency or your physician for a referral. If you are in crisis or danger, please call 911 for immediate help. Please, again, realize that seeking out help really IS a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. You don't have to be alone in facing these things - there are people who care and who will help. |
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